Kindred Affair
by Mia Tsu
Summary: John and Natalie are reunited after the death of Natalie's husband, Jared Banks. Will John be able to convince Natalie that he can be a good father to their son and redeem his soul in the process? Thanks so much for taking the time to read! Some swearing.
1. Chapter 1

**Kindred Affair**

Chapter 1

As he came over the crest of the hill and descended into the valley, John McBain reflected on how long it had been since he had last driven through the Pennsylvania countryside. The last time, he had been going the opposite direction, his foot firmly planted on the GTO's accelerator hell bent for leather to put as many miles between him and Llanview as quickly as he possibly could. That was over two years ago...a lifetime ago...since the inevitable final good-bye, knowing that she no longer cared for him quite the same way he cared for her. He wasn't good at just giving up, letting go. But what other option had there been, especially because no one could ever accuse him of being capable of sharing? After months of turning it over and running every possible scenario, it really had boiled down to a fatal tactical error on his part. John had given her the choice; never really expecting that it would _**not**_ be him she would choose. Fuck - even after all this time, it still amazed him that Nattie could actually have married another man - let alone that one.

John's hands tightened involuntarily on the steering wheel as he recalled the months leading up to his departure. The catalyst for setting his life on a collision course with irrelevance had been Natalie coming to his apartment on Valentine's Day in tears to tell him that she was pregnant.

"You're sure?" He had to ask, though he knew the truth of it by her red-rimmed eyes and nervous hand ringing. For a moment John almost thought he could feel the earth tilting on its axis.

"Yes, John, I'm sure...and I know with everything going on with you right now, the timing couldn't be worse. But I didn't plan on this, anymore than you did. That night just keeps coming back to haunt me, I should know better than to drink so much. Especially when I'm with you," her voice trailed off. After nearly 8 months of being apart, she and John had reconnected in the way that the two of them always managed to communicate best, with their bodies. It caught them both by surprise, but John had taken it in stride at the time because when it came to Nattie, being with her was the one space in his life where he felt normal and whole. And that's what he'd needed that night, to feel undamaged, and Natalie had helped him get there.

"Hey, no regrets, remember?" He caught her hand in his and squeezed. "We're friends first, and we'll get through this. I'll respect whatever decision you need to make. But if you let me have a say in this...I think we can do it. You and me, Nat. We can parent this child." He was surprised at how much he meant it, how much he wanted it.

He remembered distinctly the look Natalie had given him, searching his face for any sign that he was only telling her what he thought she wanted to hear. "John, we don't love each other any more. We're exes...and in order to really come together and parent this child, we need to be able to trust each other, communicate, agree that the decisions we make are what is best for our child. As I seem to recall, not having the ability to do this with any sort of competence is what sent us into ex status in the first place."

John sighed. Christ - it's what incessantly annoyed him about Natalie, she was smart and pragmatic. She always called them like she saw them and more often than not, her assessments were unerring. Frankly, he was none too pleased that she could presumptuously state they were no longer in love; because _he_ was none too certain that his heart could claim that. "Look, I never said it would be easy, I just said I thought we could do it..." He brushed the tears off her cheeks with the pad of his thumb. "I won't walk from this Nat; you have my word I'll do whatever needs to be done for both you and the child."

"John, I have no doubt you have good intentions, but things are so much more complicated then they were just a few short weeks ago. There's Jared and all the turmoil that's going on at Buchanan Enterprises, and everything else that's happening with my crazy mixed up family. " Natalie turned from him and placed distance between them by moving to the opposite end of the room, unconsciously wrapping her arms around her middle. "You don't even like having family, let alone the complication of my new uncle Jared and how all hell is going to break loose when the rest of the Buchanans find out I'm carrying your child. How are you going to deal with all of that in the midst of dealing with me? Once this baby comes into the world, like it or not John, you are tied to the Buchanans forever."

Nattie was overwhelmed, he could see it in her posture and hear it in her voice. Then it hit him, it wasn't about his stubborn need to retain his self-imposed isolation which was fostering her doubts that they could succeed at building their version of a family together. This was more about the fact that no matter how she tried to convince herself, Natalie wasn't over Jared Banks. Sure, the romance had never really gotten very far before a DNA test had ostensibly determined that Jared was the DE facto illegitimate son of her grandfather, Asa Buchanan, making Jared her father's half brother and in turn Nattie's uncle. It was this nasty little revelation that had sent Natalie screaming from Jared's orbit and into a bottle of tequila and finally straight into his bed. Regardless of how hard Natalie was trying to convince herself otherwise, John could see that for Nattie, Jared was still unfinished business. The whole situation wasn't easily untangled because Jared's new-found entree into the Buchanan family placed him squarely into Natalie's life through the family's fortune 500 corporation, Buchanan Enterprises. Now that they both had seats on the Board of Directors, Jared was a fixture in Natalie's day to day existence; more so than John was, or probably would be in spite of their connection now through the baby. John didn't like it one fucking bit, and he vowed silently to do what he needed to do to keep both Natalie and his child safe from that two-bit hustler.

"I'll deal with it - same as you, one day, and one situation at a time. But hey, it's not as if you and I aren't able to navigate successfully through uncharted territory. As a matter of fact, I think through the years we've done pretty well."

"Yes," Nattie agreed, turning slowly to face him head on, her deep blue gaze unwavering, "but the stakes were never this high before John. And you and I, well, we've not exactly behaved as adults when it comes to dealing with our emotions - let alone owning up to the fact that we even had any." Her little dig at his closed perspective on relationships in particular or sharing feelings in general was not lost on him and he started to interrupt, but she simply held up her hand to stave him off. "Hear me out before you try and tell me how wrong I am. If you can honestly tell me that you will agree to let me live my life separate from you and as the sole custodial parent of this child, then we might have - and I repeat - might have a slight chance of making this work."

He placed his hands on his hips, "If you don't think this is a plausible solution, then why are you here? You could have just terminated the pregnancy and I never would have been the wiser."

"Because I'm just not sure." Her eyes had filled with fresh tears. "It's our baby John, yours and mine. How could I even think about making that kind of a choice without talking to the man who used to be my best friend?" Her voice broke and she buried her face in her hands as she tried to get her emotions under control.

"Shit." In three long strides he was across the room and had Natalie safely wrapped in his arms. "Look we don't have to work all of this out in a single afternoon. I don't even think that's practical. So for now, why don't we just agree that we'll make this decision together. Have you been to the doctor yet?"

"No. My first appointment is tomorrow morning at 10:00. Will you come?" Her voice was muffled as her face was partially turned into his chest. He could feel her warm breath through his shirt, smell the familiar spicy sweet scent that was all Natalie, only Natalie. He rested his chin on the top of her head and ignored the sudden sharp pain that pierced his heart. He wanted to tell her that she should just let him handle it, that he'd make it all better...but he couldn't bring himself to actually speak the words; to admit to her how overjoyed and terrified he was all at the same time. John had never felt such an intensity of conflicting emotions in all of his life. Christ, he was beyond paralyzed with fear and how could he reassure her if he didn't even know how he was going to handle it himself?

Instead he hardened his determination to present the familiar facade of Johnny Mac so cool and unaffected - yeah that was him all right - so with a steady voice he said, "Wouldn't miss it."

And he hadn't, not that appointment, or the next, or the one after that when they discovered that baby McBain was a very healthy active boy. John still carried that first sonogram picture of his son with him in his wallet. It was the single most defining moment of his life, and Natalie's too. They had celebrated at Rodi's with double cheeseburgers, a beer for him and a chocolate milkshake for her. Nat had been starving, intermittently shoving French fires with one hand into her mouth and holding her cheeseburger with the other. John couldn't help it, he sat back and watched her in amazement until he finally had to laugh.

"What's so funny?" she had eyed him suspiciously while she took another bite of her burger.

"You. Never saw a girl eat so much at one sitting. Hell, I can't believe you even have room for it all." Although it was obvious she was eating for two as her belly was decidedly rounded now that she was half way into her second trimester.

Natalie grinned. "I know. It's just that I get sooo hungry! And not just hungry, but starving for certain things - like scrambled eggs. Or like I have to have an orange or I'll just die, real cravings that I totally obsess about. A couple of nights ago I made Jared go out at 2:00 in the morning to find Rocky Road ice cream, I just HAD to have it and I don't even like marshmallows." She shoved three more French fries loaded with both mustard and ketchup into her mouth.

"So, you and Jared have patched things up?" John couldn't look at her, he wanted to know but he wasn't certain he was ready to have this conversation. Natalie had only recently discovered that Jared's claims he was the long lost son of her grandfather, Asa Buchanan, had indeed been a sting. Jared, with the help of Asa's faithful butler Nigel had seized the original opportunity to exploit the situation in order to help Jared obtain a seat on the Board of BE. Asa's rightful heir, David Vickers had at last unearthed the truth of his birthright, and along with Max Holden divulged the lie Jared had been perpetrating for months. But, in the interim, Jared had worked masterfully to avert a potential financial collapse of the BE empire. He had proved his worth as a shrewd businessman and more than one family member was willing to champion him tenure as a senior executive with the company. Jared had not only stabilized the BE parent corporation, but stock prices for subsidiaries had also shot through the roof. As a Buchanan, Natalie had been obliged to admit that Jared probably did have the family's best financial interests in his sights and it would certainly be better to keep him at BE rather than risk him going to the competition with intimate knowledge of the company structure. If the gossip John was hearing was accurate, it was that continued proximity between Jared and Nat over the past several weeks which began to allow Jared to mend their friendship.

Natalie put her hamburger on her plate and carefully wiped her fingers with her napkin. "I wouldn't say we've patched anything up, but let's just say we are talking. And since we're both living at Asa's mansion, there are occasions outside of BE that we do manage to cross paths."

"At 2:00 in the morning?" John raised his eyebrow and eyed her skeptically. He wasn't about to admit just how much the whole thing was frustrating him; especially because outside of Natalie's scheduled OB/Gyn appointments, he really never saw her. Her choice, not his and that annoyed him as well. There had been a time when John had come first with Natalie, and John didn't know why he had thought he could simply take this for granted and it would always remain so.

"Yes, John. Even at 2:00 in the morning. I was trolling the kitchen for something to eat and Jared had a case of insomnia and happened to come down for a drink. After he left to go get the ice cream, Nora came downstairs as well. But I don't suppose you'll question me about what she was doing wandering the mansion at that time of the morning now will you?"

He chose to ignore her snark and instead said, "I still think it would be better if you were staying in the carriage house at your mother's estate...it would place a little distance between you and Jared, that's all. And don't most women want to be near their mother during their pregnancy? What if something were to happen?"

"Well, I think Nora is a pretty good substitute and is more than able to pinch hit for my mom, not to mention my dad is at the mansion, along with a legion of servants, Nigel included. So, John, considering that my sister Jess is now separated from her husband and living with my mom, I think the best place for me is at the mansion with my father. Jared is a whole lot less aggravating and stressful to be around than Jessica is. Besides, I don't want my mom to feel as though she needs to choose between Jess and me right now, she certainly has her hands full enough with Jessica's drama with Nash."

John was well aware that Jessica's role in Jared's scheme had done irreparable damage to her relationship with both her husband Nash and with her twin sister Natalie. She had endangered her mental health and placed herself at Jared's mercy more than once, despite her husband's strong objections. It was common knowledge they were probably headed for divorce and that Nash was going to seek custody of their small daughter, Bree. For the most part, John thought Jessica's motives went deeper than the need to stop Jared from exposing how Tess, Jess' alternate personality, had set Jared up as a thief several years ago and ultimately landed him in Statesville Prison for two very long years. At every juncture throughout the Jared's con, Jess had sided with him against both her husband and Natalie. Jess had seized opening after opening to sabotage Natalie's BE business reputation both with the Board and key shareholders in an attempt to further ingratiate herself with Jared. John was fairly convinced that what Jess really hoped to gain with her two-faced behavior was one Mr. Jared Banks himself. And knowing Natalie, none of her sister's hidden agenda was lost on her either.

But if John's instincts were on target, and he was pretty sure they were, there was a more central threat; it began and ended with Jared, who had nothing but contempt for Princess Jessica Buchanan. In Jared's eyes, the jewel of the Buchanan Empire was Natalie and had always been Natalie. And John believed the imminent birth of their child was of no consequence to Jared. On the contrary, John thought Jared saw his son as an added bonus. And despite all of John's attempts to try and sway Natalie to seriously consider a more permanent arrangement between the two of them, for the sake of their child of course, Natalie would not budge. It was a source of tension between Nattie and him that John was certain Jared had been using to re-establish a level of intimacy with Natalie that John had sincerely hoped had been terminally damaged. And their close proximity at the mansion made Jared's attempts at reconciliation easier to push toward. From where John sat, Jared was embarking on an assault of opportunity.

"Well, you could stay at the Angel's Square hotel. Roxie already told you she'd give you a suite of your own if you still don't want to move in with me."

Nat sighed, "We've been through this before, the idea is to successfully co-parent, not get all tied up in each other's lives again. We're exes McBain, and I seem to recall you telling me I was damn well better off for it."

God damn but he hated how she could do that…remember every lame ass thing he'd ever uttered and then drag it up when it most suited her crazy red-headed logic. It's why for the most part he just didn't talk. "Who said anything about getting into each other's business," he lied. It was the only way to salvage the conversation. "I'm just concerned that you could be placing yourself under too much stress. Dr. Fleming has already warned you about your blood pressure, and anything that could affect it absolutely needs to be avoided."

Nat rolled her eyes and didn't even bother to try and hide her irritation. "It's a done deal John, I'm staying with my father and Nora at the mansion. I'm not going to do anything that would hurt our little Justin McBain and I don't need you to hover over me like a fussy old nurse maid to make sure that I won't."

That stopped him in his tracks. "Justin?" And holy shit - him a nursemaid? He hardly thought so, but he would let that one slide as well.

"Yeah, I like it. It's a good strong name for a boy – and it means 'just, fair.' If he's anything like his dad, it's totally going to fit."

"So, I guess you wouldn't have any objection to my choosing the middle name? Justin Thomas," he said softly. "We could call him JT for short…"

She smiled at him and took his hand across the table. The contact shot a jolt of electricity straight up is arm and into his heart. Natalie had never looked so beautiful and it was obvious that pregnancy suited her. She hadn't been sick a single moment and her skin just glowed.

"I was hoping you would suggest Thomas. It was my first choice but I was afraid it might be insensitive, especially after all that you, Mike and Marcie have just been through."

"Yeah well, Marcie is getting the help she needs at Saint Anne's to cope with losing Tommy. Mike pretty much spends most of his time there too." He shrugged his shoulders with resignation. "Not a lot to say. Manning still isn't willing to let anyone near that kid. But from what I've heard, Tommy isn't adjusting to life with his real dad and step mom all that well." John was referencing the recent loss of custody by his brother and sister-in-law of their adoptive child, Tommy McBain. Todd Manning, who coincidentally happened to be Natalie's mother's brother, was the biological father of Tommy. Todd had not known that Tommy survived his birth and been subsequently adopted by Michael and Marcie McBain. John later had been a party to knowing the secret that Tommy was really Todd's son. He had consciously helped his brother to keep this tidbit of information from Manning in an attempt at Marcie and Michael retaining custody of the baby. However, Manning had figured it out, sued and won the right to raise his son with his off again now on again wife Blair. That had set into motion a chain of events that had left the McBain family devastated. Because Marcie couldn't have children of her own, the blow from losing Tommy had sent her right over the edge into panic-stricken madness and she had taken Tommy and been on the run for months. It wasn't until she was caught in Texas that Todd was finally able to secure his son. Marcie had been placed in Saint Anne's for an as yet undetermined period of time to work through her issues. For John's role, he had been suspended and recently let go from his position as Lieutenant at the LPD and Michael had been suspended from his job as Chief Resident at Llanview Hospital. But if John had it to do over again, he seriously doubted he would change anything. There was no way he would willingly let that sweet little boy be raised by quasi-psycho Todd Manning and his shrieking harpie of a wife, not when he had two perfect parents who loved him and were providing him with an ideal and stable home.

"No," Nat confirmed "he's not adjusting very well at all. But my mom says it is getting a little bit better and sometimes he'll go for a whole day without crying for Marcie. I just wish my Uncle Todd wasn't so hateful and would let Mike see the baby every once in a while. I think Tommy would have a smoother transition to his new life as Sam if he wasn't feeling so abandoned by both Michael and Marcie. He just can't understand what's happened to him. But you know Todd, and there's just no talking sense into him. Though God knows my mother has tried." Nat twirled her straw in the milkshake before she took a long sip. Setting the glass down on the table, she spoke with anxiety rising in her voice, "Promise me John, that we'll never do something that cruel to our son…use him as a pawn against each other or keep him from knowing how much we both love him. Promise me you'll always be here, just like you are now, a real part of his life and mine. I don't think I can do this if there is even the tiniest chance that we'll fall apart..."

"We're not going to fall apart Nat. And I'm not Todd. Justin will have both of his parents, and he's going to grow up with a good understanding of what it means to be both the next generation of McBain and Buchanan. No substitutes. I'm in it for the long haul, same as you." But if John had known then what he knew now, he would have insisted Natalie swear that she would safeguard his place in Justin's life; because that's where the threat of their falling apart as parents had really been.

To be continued……..

7


	2. Chapter 2

Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it :) I just love that Jolie is soooo messy.

Chapter 2

Christ, there had been enough mistakes to go around. John continued to navigate the GTO through the winding Llantano mountain highway as he dropped down the incline bringing him closer and closer to Llanview. He continued his trip through the past as well, recalling that the more Natalie's pregnancy advanced, he had been forced to watch helplessly as she moved further and further from his life. And ready to step in as Nattie's protector, friend, and want to be lover was Jared Banks. John knew he should have fought harder to keep his family intact, but the more he pushed the more distant Natalie seemed to become. Plus, since John could no longer work in law enforcement, the last two months of Natalie's pregnancy he had been forced to pull an insane number of hours in order to get his private investigation firm off to a lucrative start. Unfortunately, his new venture frequently took him out of Llanview for days at a time, leaving Natalie insecure about whether John would actually be there for Justin's birth. She had chosen her mother as her coach, and John had been unreasonably angry at Natalie's decision.

"Look," she had tried to explain, "I'm not implying you can't be there when he's born, McBain. But I need my mother just on the off chance you're away working on a case when he decides to make his grand entrance. Frankly, I can't believe this is even an issue with you."

"You're right, it shouldn't be. I told you that I wouldn't accept any new cases that could take me out of Llanview the month before we expect him to come. My word should be enough that I'm planning on being here for his birth. I should be your coach. It should be you and me Nat, just us bringing him into the world. And you goddamn well know it."

Nattie's jaw had set and her eyes flashed with blue fire. "Don't you take that tone with me John. First of all, I want my mother, even if you do happen to be there. Got it? I'm scared, and I certainly don't know how you'll react when we're right in the thick of it. Come to think of it, I take it all back….maybe I don't want you there. It's not the most dignified thing a woman can do, you know. Maybe I don't want you or anyone other than my mom to see me soaked with sweat and in terrible pain straining to deliver _your_ son. Actually, if a good case comes your way, I think you probably should take it. Yes, I think that would be best after all."

That one had really set him reeling. How did Natalie go from distrust to a raging bitch in less than thirty seconds? She was obviously under the influence of a potent cocktail of pregnancy hormones, and John was ill equipped to deal with it. "What the hell Natalie, it's pretty apparent you seem to need to call all the shots here. But if we do it your way, I'm pretty much left out of the equation. I don't like it, Nat. Even if I agree that your mom without question is the best choice to be your coach; what does that make me, just some glorified pep squad? Since neither of us really knows what to expect, seems that we should compromise just a little more."

She had placed both her hands in the small of her back and continued to scrutinize him with suspicion. That one small gesture caused her ever expanding belly to pop out from her body so that she looked like she'd swallowed a basketball. Natalie was indeed very pregnant. No wonder she was crabby. "You know what would be nice John? For once that you'll trust I know what I'm doing; and not just for me, but for the baby too."

John sighed. She was going to make him pay dearly and he was going to have to just suck it up and deal with it. He supposed that was equitable considering what was in store for her in six short weeks. But he couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "Yes, Natalie. On this score, I'll agree that you have an edge and just the fact that you're going to have to handle both the labor and delivery, the easier I can make it for you, the happier I'll be. Is that what you want to hear?"

"Nice try, McBain. But it's really all about you now isn't it? As long as I'm happy and pacified the less likely I'm going to be all up in your face."

"Well," he admitted, "there is that too. But goddamit Nattie, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. We can do this. We've been in the trenches and made it out alive before. How hard can this be?"

He should have known that last part would come back to plague him. Justin had been born less than a week after that auspicious conversation. And he had been in Montana on a case. When Natalie's mom had called to let him know his son had arrived, he had been stunned. "How did this happen?"

"She simply went into pre-mature labor and within 3 hours, Justin made his first appearance. Dr. Fleming was surprised as well, but there's no need to worry. Both Natalie and the baby are just fine. And he's a beautiful infant, a little on the small side at 6 pounds 3 ounces, but his color is good and you'll be pleased to know that he's got a full head of dark hair. I would have called you sooner, but there simply wasn't time. Natalie was in hard labor from the moment her water broke, and I'm sure you can understand it happened very quickly. I would let you talk to Natalie, but I'm afraid it will have to wait as well since both she and the baby are sleeping."

He had thanked Mrs. Davidson for giving him the wonderful news and he had driven to Butte in record time to catch the next flight back to Pennsylvania. The entire trip back to Llanview he had allowed both the euphoria and dread of seeing his son and Natalie wash over him in waves. He felt like time was standing still but that he was moving at the speed of light and getting nowhere. When he finally pulled up at Llanview Hospital, it was all he could do not to run through the facility in his haste to reach the maternity ward. When he got there, he wasn't prepared for what was ahead.

Natalie was sitting up in bed wearing a russet bed jacket, looking rested and beautiful with her long dark red hair brushed into a shiny copper fall. Jared was seated in a chair by her bed, smiling and holding his son. It brought John up short.

"What the hell are you doing here?" The words were out of his mouth before John even realized he was thinking them. Jared turned, and then stood immediately. He carefully handed the baby to Nat and kissed her softly on the cheek.

"McBain. You're a very lucky man. Both your son and his mother are healthy. You might want to be a little appreciative for that. Nattie, I'll see you in a bit." Jared leaned down and gently brushed Nat's mouth with his, and smoothed her hair back. The smile she bestowed on him in return was nothing short of radiant. It set John off in a barely contained rage and the stare he shot Jared on his way out the door was cold and calculated.

When they were finally alone, Nat broke the silence. "Not a word about Jared," she warned. "Now is not the time to discuss my relationship with him. If you can behave and follow that one simple rule, you can stay."

"What are you saying Nat? That you'll keep me from my newborn son if you don't like my choice for a topic of conversation? Or that I should just let it go that another man had his hands both on my son and his mother while I was busting my ass to get here?" His body language was combative and emotionally distant with his arms crossed firmly across his chest and his feet set wide apart.

Nat sighed, "I'm just a bit weary of having to defend myself to you and I'd rather not deal with histrionics this morning. Frankly, considering the way you've been behaving lately, I don't think anyone would blame me if I let you hold the baby for just a few minutes before I asked you to leave, but I really don't want to do that. So, I'll even go so far as to apologize for Jared being here, but he is the reason why both Justin and I are fine. He's the one who got me to the hospital in time, and stayed with me until my mom arrived. Justin was born 15 minutes later. I nearly gave birth at the mansion, John. Jared's right you know, for once why can't you just be happy that everything turned out to be fine." At the end of her dressing down, she simply held his son out to him.

From the moment his small cap covered head was cradled in the palm of his hand and his swaddled little body was protectively situated firmly in his arms, John was a gonner. A rush of love and pride so intense it brought a sting of tears to John's eyes and transformed him to his very core. Looking down into his son's face, there was no doubt he was Justin McBain. His eyes were a vivid shade of turquoise blue and his hair was thick, dark, unruly and escaping from under his little skull cap. John slid his index finger into the palm of his son's hand, marveling at the long slender fingers that clutched at him with a surprisingly strong grasp. Father and son simply stared at each other for long quiet moments. Then Justin began to purse his lips and make soft mewing and sucking noises.

"He's hungry." Nat laughed. "I think he's trying to make up for not putting on the last of his birth weight. His pediatrician is pretty happy with his voracious appetite." Natalie held out her arms and John could hardly bring himself to hand the baby back to her. But as soon as Justin smelled his mother, he instantly began rooting for her breast and he let out a surprisingly loud wail when all he encountered was the material of her bed jacket. Within seconds, Nat had the buttons undone and Justin positioned so that he could latch on to her nipple with ease and still keep her modesty intact. John handed her the small, soft blue blanket draped over the back of the chair. As she adjusted the blanket to conceal herself even further, John noticed for the first time the glint of a two carat marquis cut flawless diamond on the ring finger of her left hand. He dropped into the chair by her bed and steepled his hands in front of his face.

"So it's done then. You're marrying Jared." No accusations, just a statement of the facts. John felt like he'd been kicked in the solar plexus and the wind had been knocked out of him.

"Yes." Then there was only silence punctuated occasionally by the smacking sounds of his greedily nursing son. They sat that way for a time, with nothing more to say and John had to come to grips with the fact that it was so over. And it had been before their son was conceived and he had done that, made her pull away from him, start a new life and move on to discover happiness without him. She would take their son with her, and John decided he wasn't going to fight her on that. Natalie would love him, be a good mother and nurture him; he would always come first in her life of that he was certain.

When the baby had fallen asleep, Natalie gently laid him in the bed beside her, sheltering him in the warmth of her body. "You're going to leave us, aren't you?"

He didn't answer her. There really wasn't any need to.

In the days after Justin's birth John began to put his Llanview affairs in order. He had tried to spend as much time with his son as he could, but it became increasingly difficult to watch Jared bond with his son and assume the role of his father. Despite Nat's efforts to include John in all facets of Justin's infant life, he was the outsider. She really didn't need him to help her raise their son after all. She was a natural as a mother, just as he had always known she would be. And when she required a shoulder to lean on, there was Jared. Natalie had her family and he had his independence and solitude. For a man who had always worked so hard to maintain his distance, why did having exactly what he wanted make him feel so fucking empty?

John left Llanview just before Justin turned 4 months old, the week before his beautiful little redhead married Jared Banks. But before blowing out of town he had met Jared at Rodi's. He was working on his second beer when Jared walked in and spotted him at the end of the bar. It was fitting that this was how it should end, since Rodi's was where it all began. The place where John had first set eyes on Natalie, where they had spent many hours laughing and playing pool, drinking beer, falling in love. Where he had precipitously bumped into her that fateful night and later ended up making love to her over and over and finally for the last time as the dawn turned her silky smooth white skin a soft shade of rosy pink….the night they had made their son.

Jared sat down next to him and ordered coffee. "What is it you want McBain. We're not friends and I know you're still in love with Natalie." He dumped cream into the cup and swirled the mixture without even so much a bothering to look John in the eye.

"You're right Banks, we're not friends and never will be. But for now, I'm willing to believe you're actually in love with Natalie. Do I trust that you'll do right by her? Don't fucking think so. See, I've known cons like you before Banks, and it doesn't matter to me that you've snowed the Buchanan's and dress yourself in fancy suits and move in their inner circle, I'm not impressed. So, what I want is to put you on notice. You so much as cause her to shed one single tear over your sorry ass and I'll rip your heart out. As for my son, hurt him and torture would be described as pleasant compared to what I'll do before I get around to killing you. I'm assuming that's plain enough for you to comprehend." John took a long drink of his beer and didn't bother to make eye contact with Jared either.

"Yeah well, I think Nattie used up all her tears getting over you and how you dumped her for that wack job shrink Marty Saybrook. I make her happy McBain, and it just eats away at your wretched shriveled soul now doesn't it? Just so we're clear. Stay away from her. Let her have her life. It's the least you can do; you owe her McBain and this is how you can redeem yourself with her. Give her the freedom to love me like I love her and don't look back. You've done it to her before, only this time have the courage to make the break permanent." Jared threw a few bills on the bar to pay for his coffee and stood to go.

"You're pathetic McBain. You threw what you had with Nattie away with both hands. And now you're pissed because someone else had the sense to see what a treasure that woman is and now it's too late for you to try and salvage any remnant of what you lost. You're a coward; all you had to do was love her and you couldn't be man enough to do something as simple as that." Jared started to leave with long determined strides.

John turned and called after him. "Fuck you too, Banks. Just remember, that was no threat, but a promise." John finished his beer in one long swallow and left Llanview for what he assumed was forever.

He had landed in Florida where he had shacked up with a pretty little Puerto Rican dancer in Miami before he got bored and left to travel west and south for a time; stopping in Louisiana and working a case in New Orleans before he moved on again and finally settled in Los Angeles, California. It had been the perfect place for anonymity, casual sex, and enough intrigue to keep his services in demand and his business humming. He had been relatively content to continue with this reasonably well ordered existence. That was until he had seen the front page of the business section of the LA Times three days ago, and everything had changed on a dime. He honestly couldn't say he was surprised, and he knew what he had to do.

John steered the GTO expertly through the remaining s-curves in the road before the final descent into the flat valley that stretched out just below Llantano Mountain. He glanced at his watch and was pleased to see he was making good time. He'd be at his destination in less than an hour. For the first time in a long time, he was at peace, so he simply drank in the scenery of the rolling spring green pastures of the Pennsylvania Dutch farm country. He was just a few miles from his target when his cell phone rang.

"McBain."

"Yo Johnny, where are you?" It was Michael and John smiled at hearing his younger brother's voice.

"Just outside of Llanview Mike. But I have some business to finish up before I can meet up with you and Marcie. It should only be a couple more hours. You two feel like heading out for some dinner? Celebrating the fact that your prodigal brother has returned to the family fold….small though it may be." John heard Mike sigh.

"Tell me you're not gonna do this Johnny. As happy as I am that you're here, I can't help but worry about you bro."

"Nothing to be concerned about Mikey. When haven't I managed to step in shit and come out smelling like a rose? This time will be no different. I'll see you later." John flipped his phone closed and signaled for a left turn. With careful precision, he slowed the GTO and maneuvered the car between the narrow wrought iron gates that flanked the long tree lined drive of the Llanview cemetery.

To be continued….


	3. Chapter 3

Many thanks to everyone who has given me such encouraging feedback. I so hope all of you are enjoying reading this as much as I am enjoying writing it. Thanks again!

_John and Natalie have such a complicated history and neither is blameless…is there enough love for the two of them to forgive the sins of the past and embark again on their_

**Kindred Affair**

Chapter 3

Natalie sat at her vanity table and went through the motions of her morning routine like an automaton. She brushed her long, dark red hair until it was smooth and sleek. She applied a light dusting of powder across her cheeks, chin and brow with a kabuki brush. Next on the apples of her cheeks, she quickly added a dash of light rosy apricot color and some sable brown mascara to just the tips of her sinfully long lashes. Finally, she finished off her make-up with a darker berry lipstick. Nat rummaged in the jewelry box on the top of her vanity until she found exactly what she was looking for, her pearl and diamond stud earrings. Carefully, she slipped them into each ear and screwed on the safety clasps. The only other jewelry she wore was her wedding band, a simple gold eternity ring with princess cut diamonds set the entire circumference of the ring. Jared had given her both during happier times, and Natalie loved them.

Nat stood and smoothed her simple navy sheath down over her flat belly and slightly rounded hips. She turned a little so that she had a full view of herself in the vanity mirror just to be sure the hem of her dress was hanging evenly above her knees. The dress was unadorned, elegant, and conservative with a v-neck and short sleeves. The waist was belted, but not cinched, lending just the barest hint of embellishment but no flash. For a moment, Natalie stared at the reflection of a well groomed young woman with the large deep blue eyes looking intently back at her. With complete objectivity, Nattie knew she would pass the litmus test and there would be no gossip about how inappropriately she was dressed. Today was the day she had to say goodbye and she needed to be sure no one would fault her; that she looked just as she should, a young, quietly dignified, grieving widow.

There was a quick knock at Natalie's bedroom door and the sound brought her from her musings.

"Come in."

Sabrina, her nanny, came in carrying Justin. "There's my little man!" And for the first time all morning Natalie genuinely smiled.

Justin popped his thumb out of his mouth. "Mommy," he answered with delight and wriggled free of Sabrina's grasp. He bounded across the room to throw his arms around his mother's legs. Nat bent down and picked him up, settling her two year old son comfortably on her hip. She brushed an unruly shock of hair out of his eyes and kissed him soundly multiple times on his rounded little cheek. Then she laughed happily at the smear of lipstick she left behind.

"Hold still Jus! Mommy needs to wipe the lipstick off." With the palm of her hand she tried to remove the berry colored blotch from his cheek. But Justin wasn't having any of it, and he was squirming every which way trying to avoid his mother's attempts to tidy him up.

"No, Mommy – stop!" Justin was firmly entrenched in the terrible twos and he started almost every sentence with the dreaded 'no' word. Natalie set him down and quickly straightened his white button up shirt and pulled up his charcoal grey trousers.

"There. That's better. Such a handsome boy Justin McBain," and Nattie couldn't resist, she tickled his belly until he squealed with laughter. Then she hugged him to her for a long moment before she let him go. He bounded off to see what mischief he could wreak in Nat's walk in closet. Sometimes Nat was so amazed at how very much Justin looked like John; the same clear intense sapphire blue eyes, his thick dark hair with the cowlick in the front that made it impossible to do anything with it but brush it straight back away from his face, and his tall strong frame. But she was even luckier that he tended to have more of her sunny and practical disposition. Justin was her heart and her life, the very best of both her and John, and she would do anything necessary to keep him safe.

"Your mother called just a few minutes ago and she's on her way with the car. Is there anything else you need before she gets here?" Sabrina asked. The older woman had been Justin's nanny practically since the day he'd been born and was genuinely dedicated to both the child and his and doting young mother.

"No, thank you Sabrina. It really means a lot to me that you don't mind staying on today to help me with Justin. I don't think I could handle him and everything else with the services. And I'm not so sure it's all that good of an idea him coming with us to the cemetery after the church. He's just too young to know what's going on and I'm afraid he might be traumatized. With you there to look after him, I'll just feel so much better…." Nat's voice trailed off as the thought of what was in store for all of them came crashing in.

Sabrina nodded her head in agreement, "It's not something a small boy should have to experience, I'll grant you that. And it's no problem Miss Natalie. I'm here for you and Justin, what ever you need. I can have one of the cars bring us back here to the house if you see that there's a call for it. Oh, and Miss Natalie, I can't tell you how sorry I am about Mr. Banks. Such a terrible tragedy, him so young and leaving you both alone that way." She patted Natalie's arm and there was sincere compassion in her smile. "Well, I'd best go down stairs and quickly pack a couple of juice boxes and some goldfish crackers into Justin's bag before the car arrives. Just let me know if I can get you anything as well."

"Thanks Sabrina. We'll be down in just a few minutes. I just need a some more time to myself."

After Sabrina had taken her leave, Nat stood alone in the center of the bedroom she had shared with her husband listening to the sounds of her son clomping around in the closet no doubt with Jared's oversized shoes on his two small feet. Everything was shifting like quicksand and there was no safe connection to ground her, provide her with a sense of balance. From this day forward her life was forever altered. Nat wasn't sure how she was going to find a way through all the sorrow and regrets; of how she and Jared had allowed themselves to make such a mess of their lives and even worse, of how they had been careless enough to think there would always be ample time to try and give what they had another opportunity to flourish. Now, there would never be the chance to make things right and she was really alone. Because even when she and Jared had been having difficulties over the past six months and were finally estranged, he still had refused to walk out on her.

"I won't Nat, and I won't let you leave me either. We need to think about Justin, BE, and appearances in general. Until we figure this whole mess out, I'll camp out in my office downstairs. As far as I'm concerned, while we may not technically have a marriage, domestically, it's business as usual."

Jared had meant it, that is until six days ago when he had been killed in a horrific boating accident along with JR Chandler. The entire incident had left Wall Street and the NASDQ reeling. It was unthinkable that both of the Chief Operating Officers for two of the largest multi-national fortune 500 corporations, Buchanan Enterprises and Chandler Enterprises, could be dead. The loss was nearly insurmountable, and both the families and the share holders were left to pick up the pieces and try to salvage what they could to move on. Nattie knew what it was probably going to mean to both her and her brother Kevin. Jared had been brilliant, and more than once his ideas and strategy were the intellectual capital which insured BE kept the competition well at bay. He had become an irreplaceable partner to Kevin who was the acting Chief Executive Officer for the company and Kevin had been inconsolable at Jared's loss, both as his top executive and his friend. Now Natalie and Kevin were going to be forced to come to grips with the chasm Jared's death was leaving behind. There was a tacit understanding that Nat would try to step in and assist her brother in keeping the company on target. But who would help her fill the void Jared's loss would create at home?

Nattie sighed and once again shook herself out of her thoughts.

"Little man, it's time to go. Come here and let mommy see you."

"No!" Justin giggled knowing full well Nattie would come and find him.

Nat couldn't help laughing, as she crossed the room and peeked into the closet; Justin was nowhere to be seen, but two wingtip shoes on the obvious wrong feet were poking out from under her plum colored Marchesa beaded evening gown. As quietly as she could, on tip toe Nat stealthily reached behind the gown and snagged her hiding son. He screamed with both surprise and delight that he'd been so easily found and Nat lifted him high and swung him around laughing along with him. If anyone had told her 3 years ago that her happiness would be wholly contingent on whether she could make her own child laugh with simple joy at being alive, Nat would have told them they were insane. But here she was, a mother in love with her child and she would lay down with the devil to keep Justin just as he was now, unsullied by the worst life had to offer despite what chaos was swirling around them.

"Look at you! Your hair is a mess! Come on, we don't have much time. Grandma is going to be here any minute and we can't be late. Let's get you squared away."

Nat set him down but firmly took hold of his hand. She led him out of the closet and over to her vanity where she quickly went to work on repairing the damage to his appearance with her hair brush and once again straightening his clothes, all the while keeping control of his wiggling body by holding on to his hand for dear life.

"There!" She exclaimed. "Look how nice you look." And she turned him so that he could admire himself in the vanity mirror.

"Thank you Sabrina, I'll just go up and get them myself." Nattie heard her mother's steps coming up the stairs.

"And just in the nick of time too! There's Grandma!"

"Gamma!" Justin squealed and raced to the door to meet his beloved nana.

"Well!" Vicki Davidson exclaimed as Justin rushed out onto the landing to meet her. "My aren't you handsome and all ready to go too. Where's your Mommy?" She cuddled the child to her and then cupped his chin in her hand to get a good look at his face.

"Mommy's coming Gamma. See, she bwushed my hair." And Justin softly patted the top of his head to emphasized how spiffed up he was.

"Goodness, she did didn't she? Do you want to go help Sabrina finish packing your bag before we need to go? That's it, now be very careful going down the stairs." Mrs. Davidson smiled after her grandson as he held onto the railing and took the stairs both feet at a time in a hop walk hybrid that spoke volumes about his never-ending energy.

"Hi, mom."

"Darling." And then Nat was in her mother's embrace and for a moment she thought she might cry. Her chest was tight with the sudden rush of bone chilling sadness and a fresh well of tears was burning her eyes. She quickly bit her lower lip and took a deep shuddering breath.

"Thanks for picking us up. It's going to make it so much easier to go into that church with you and Charlie by my side." Charlie was Jared's father and her mother's long term boyfriend. Though Mrs. Davison loved Charlie to distraction, she wasn't eager for the good thing between the two of them to change much beyond the arrangement they had now. So, Charlie lived with Vickie at her mansion, Llanfair, and the two remained blissfully happy without the benefit of a marriage license. From Natalie's point of view, if it wasn't broke, indeed her mother probably shouldn't go about trying to fix it.

"Of course honey, but I'm afraid Charlie isn't with me. He's having some difficulty dealing with this loss as you can well imagine. But the three of us will manage, and we'll get through this together. And I fully expect Charlie will meet us at the church for the actual service. So there's no need to fret about anything besides keeping that son of yours clean and neat enough to make his entrance into the church." Her mother smiled at her with encouragement.

"Oh mom, Charlie didn't start drinking again did he?" Charlie had been a recovering alcoholic for several years, but a heartbreak of this magnitude would understandably test his sobriety.

"No, he hasn't started drinking. But you know darling, this is a terribly tragic situation considering that over the last year Charlie and Jared have grown closer than they've ever been. I really think they had come to trust and love each other, you know; and Charlie is just feeling all the old guilt and remorse of spending so much of Jared's childhood giving in to his alcoholism. Their good times together were just too short. But he's been doubling up on his AA meetings and I do believe that has helped a great deal. And he's talking about his pain, which is a first step in working through it. So, we'll just have to support each other, come together as a family and that is what the Lord, Banks, and Buchanan folks do best." Vickie linked her arm through Natalie's and the two descended the stairs together.

In the foyer, Vickie took a good look at how Natalie was dressed. She expressed her approval as she drew on her perfectly matched coat over her own buff colored dress. "By the way darling, you look lovely. Jared would be so pleased and I can't tell you how proud I am with how you've been handling all of this. But I do want you to know that you can certainly count on me for anything and you shouldn't feel the need to take on the burden of all the details alone."

Nat briefly laid her head on her mother's shoulder. "Thanks mom. But what I need, no one can give me. So it's just easier to keep busy or I'm afraid I'm going to have to actually have to accept this, and I'm just not ready to even think about the unthinkable. So I simply do."

Vickie was touched by Natalie's spontaneous affection and heartfelt confession. It hadn't always been easy for mother and daughter to communicate beyond the most superficial of levels. Natalie had been raised by a foster mother and Vickie and Natalie had not been reunited until Natalie was a young adult. Because her childhood with her foster mother had left a lot to be desired, Natalie had come to Vickie with an enormous and nearly insurmountable chip on her shoulder and no ability to trust. Nattie's display of raw grief touched Vickie inordinately because she knew how hard it was for her daughter to admit she was vulnerable, especially to her.

"Well, when you run out of things to do, or just find that you can't do anymore, you call me. O.K.?"

"I will, Mom." Then they all filed out of the house and climbed into the waiting limo.

On the ride to the church, Justin kept up a steady stream of chatter with his grandmother. Occasionally Sabrina was required to act as translator for the boy when his words sounded like gibberish to his grandmother's less practiced ear. Natalie was grateful they were leaving her out of the conversation. Once they reached the church, her sorrow would be on public display. She would be required to utter the appropriate platitudes in response to the well meaning but hollow condolences from the other mourners and just plain curious in attendance at her husband's funeral. Natalie needed these few minutes of solitude to harness her anger and anguish over the unfair turn of events her life had taken, and to steel herself to conceal it during both the church and graveside services. It simply wouldn't do if she were to loose her composure and tell some hapless person that no, she really wasn't reassured by the knowledge that Jared was now in heaven or that she didn't believe anyone outside of his immediate family was really sorry that he was gone. It somehow seemed absurd that she, the brokenhearted widow, was expected to make everyone else feel better about her catastrophic loss.

As they pulled up in front the church, Natalie caught sight of Charlie, and her father Clint with his wife Nora all waiting for them to arrive. When she got out of the car, Clint gave her a gentle hug and went into the church with Nora, Sabrina and Justin. Charlie reached out his hand, and Natalie took it gratefully.

"Here we go kiddo." He grasped her hand gently and then put his arm around Vickie. The three of them went into St. James and stood in the vestibule greeting the subdued procession of family, friends, and others who had come to pay their respects and lay Jared to rest. The church quickly filled with Buchanans, Lords, Cramers, Mannings, Chandlers, Vegas, and others until there was standing room only at the back of the church. It was a testament to how Jared had left an impact on so many in both the business world as well as in Llanview during the very short time he had been in all of their lives. While it hadn't always been for the better, no one would ever forget how Jared Banks had affected them.

Her brother Joe came out ready to conduct the services, dressed in his full vestments as an Anglican minister and looking solemn. He kissed both his mother and sister and shook Charlie's hand warmly with both of his own. "It's time. Nat, will you walk with me?" For a split second, Natalie was besieged by stark panic. She had done this before when they had all believed John had been killed in a horrible car accident on his way to Atlantic City. The difference was John had been alive, shrouded in bandages in an AC hospital, burned so severely that no one had recognized who he really was. But this time, the funeral was authentic with no astonishing twist of fate. The DNA analysis had confirmed that the genetic material recovered from the charred debris of the boat was, with certainty, from Jared. No reprieve, Natalie was truly laying to rest the man she had loved. Joey caught the look of distress in Nattie's eyes and he gently put his arm around her shoulder.

"I'm right here," he reassured her, "so is Mom, Charlie, Dad and Nora. It's all right Natalie…just one foot in front of the other. Once we're at the front of the church, you only have to focus on me and the altar. You're strong Natalie, it's why Jared loved you so and he's here - and between all of us, we'll get you through this." Natalie looked at her brother and nodded slowly. His compassion and understanding allowed her to find the courage to embark on the final journey she would take with her husband.

The service was beautiful and bittersweet. Joe delivered a stunningly accurate portrayal of Jared's strengths and character. His ability to cut through the artifice in the business world with such skillful cunning that BE had become second to none, his loyalty to both family and friends, and the openly tender and unabashed display of love Jared had reserved solely for Natalie and their son. For the thoughtfulness of the service alone, Joe would forever claim a special place in Natalie's heart.

At the cemetery, Joe blessed Jared's final resting place with only close family and friends in attendance. It was an opportunity for a more private gathering and for those closest to Natalie and Charlie to extend their sympathies. It was hardest on Charlie, and he wept openly as he threw the first shovel of dirt onto the casket. At this point, Natalie was just numb. As she placed one each of a cream, coral, and violet colored rose symbolizing their little family into the grave; her eyes felt like sandpaper, dry, coarse, and as desolate as her heart.

Mercifully, it was over quickly and Natalie was grateful that Sabrina and her mother immediately took Justin back to the car in preparation to return to Llandfair for the final responsibility of the day, the reception. Kevin, Kelly and their son Zane were the first to head back to their mother's mansion, taking a visibly grief stricken Charlie with them. Nash stayed behind for a few moments to help Natalie thank everyone for their condolences. Soon, he too strode off to his waiting car, with the promise he would be sure that Justin was fed along with his daughter Bree after Sabrina left for the evening to return to her own family.

The final stragglers stood waiting for a chance to say a few last words to Natalie, including Dorian Lord, her mother's nemesis and one of Charlie's best friends.

"Thank you for coming Dorian. I know it means so much to Charlie to have you here…he is going to need support from his friends for a very long time to get him through this."

Dorian took both Natalie's hands in hers briefly, "And you too Natalie, you're going to need as much I'm sure. My goodness, you've just lost your husband and now have a baby to raise all alone. You know it goes without saying that if there is anything I can do…"

Nat quickly interrupted Dorian's awkward attempt at sympathy, "Thank you again Dorian, but the truth is that Justin and I really just need Charlie….and that's what you can do for me, be there for Charlie so he can be there for us." It wasn't that she was ungrateful for all the outpouring of compassion and support; it was just that Natalie _hated_ when other people felt sorry for her. And that's what the whole day had been, nothing but a constant parade of family, friends, business associates, and acquaintances feeling sorry for her, Justin, and Charlie.

"Of course dear, but well, if you do need something more..." Then Dorian simply reached out and quickly hugged her. She had to admire the girl, Natalie had really come into her own and was handling the entire dreadful day with grace and poise.

As Dorian turned to leave, it was then that Nat saw him; six feet of all man in black pants, black shirt, and black leather jacket leaning up against the gnarled trunk of a massive heritage oak about 25 yards from where she was standing. For what felt like an eternity, her heart seemed to stop. When it resumed beating, it was with a rapid pounding that sent her already strained nerves sizzling from the adrenaline overload, and with a sharp intake of breath Natalie placed a hand on her chest. As Dorian looked back, her face registered her alarm. But Natalie was oblivious and didn't hear Dorian say with genuine concern, "Natalie, are you all right?" Because in that instant their eyes met and he simply acknowledged that she had seen him by smiling slightly. As he started walking towards her, Natalie became conscious that this was real, he in fact was there, and the focal point of Natalie's vision narrowed in scope so that her world was completely and inexorably filled with John McBain.

To be continued……

- 7 -


	4. Chapter 4

Just want to really express my thanks again for all of your kind comments. And here we go on the next leg of Nat and John's journey...

**Chapter 4**

Jesus, Natalie was beautiful, more so than he had remembered. John didn't know how that could be possible, but marriage and motherhood had obviously agreed with her. She was thinner, though still lush and even that conservative dress couldn't conceal the fact that Natalie was blessed with more curves than a woman had a right to have. And her face, as John got closer, he realized she hadn't changed. Her skin was flawless, smooth, and he noticed that she wasn't wearing much make-up. He liked it, deciding that this naturally lovely Natalie, along with her new understated air of confidence, was already breaking his heart.

"John," she breathed his name rather than spoke it, and that single sound hung between them for long seconds until he simply closed the distance and wrapped her in his arms. They stood alone, several feet from the open grave where her husband's dark walnut casket was interred while the few mourners left in the cemetery discretely looked away.

When he could finally bring himself to let her go, John looked into her eyes, familiarizing himself again with every nuance of who Natalie even now was to him.

"How did you know?" she asked, drinking in the sight of him. He looked tired, and his hair was longer; but despite the few new lines of strain she detected around his eyes, he was still so incredibly handsome with his dark and wonderfully thick as ever hair, and his penetrating trademark McBain blue stare. For some reason his strikingly attractive maleness pleased her tremendously. This man had once chosen her and was the father of her son; it spoke volumes about who she had been to him, that he had come so far to be with her now.

"It was on the front page of the business section of the L.A. Times. It's news even in California when the Chief Operating Officer of Buchanan Enterprises is killed. Nat, you should have called me." There was no recrimination in his voice, only genuine worry that she may have needed him and not felt that she could turn to him.

"I know, but what could you have done? There's nothing anyone can do, John. He's just gone…" her voice trailed off and to her horror, her eyes filled with tears and spilled over for the first time that day.

"Jesus, Nat." John pulled her back into his arms and rocked her gently while she cried softly. "I'm sorry, so damn sorry," he said, stroking her hair and breathing in the same familiar scent that would forever be imprinted on his memory as uniquely Natalie.

She nodded and dabbed at her eyes with the linen handkerchief she had been clutching throughout the day for this very reason. "I'll be fine, it's just the shock of seeing you. It makes this all so real, final." Natalie stiffened her resolve and squared her shoulders. It would be exceedingly easy to let John continue to hold her close and comfort her, but tongues would wag if their intimacy was prolonged in such a public manner, especially in plain view of her husband's fresh gravesite.

John felt the subtle change in her and loosened his hold. But he couldn't stop himself from gently brushing her burnished burgundy hair away from her face with the back of his hand.

"John! Good heavens! I truly thought Dorian was mistaken when she told me she'd seen you. When did you arrive?" John started to turn and greet Natalie's mother and was brought up short. Mrs. Davidson stood to his left and holding her hand was his two-year old son. He knew the boy resembled him from the hundreds of photos Natalie had e-mailed him throughout the past couple of years, but nothing could have prepared him for how much Justin had grown and what a replica he was of him. There could be no doubt Justin was his son, and despite the circumstances, John felt a rush of awe-inspiring pleasure at seeing his son again.

"Mom, isn't it amazing, John heard about Jared and came to offer his support and condolences." Natalie smiled and mouthed her silent thanks to her mother before holding out her hand to Justin, "Come here little man. Mommy wants to introduce you to someone very special." Justin took his mother's hand and she lifted her son up and settled him on her hip. She smiled and kissed him, then combed her fingers through his hair to slick it back away from his eyes. The tenderness of the gestures sent a sharp pang of remorse through John's chest. She loved the boy, loved being his mother, and by extension was still honoring what had been between them. And he had deliberately excluded himself from his rightful role in his son's life and undervalued the relationship he should have been working his ass off to maintain with both his child and Natalie. No more, things were different, and he was different. They would both need him for awhile, whether they knew it or not. So he would simply use quiet persistence and slowly but surely, he was convinced he could give them what they needed to work through Jared's loss. It was the least he could do. And John told himself there would be nothing in it for him, but if he was very lucky, Natalie might let him permanently back into Justin's life.

Nattie stood so that she and Justin were facing John. "Do you know who this is Justin?"

He stared openly at John, sky blue eyes transfixed by the same in his father. He nodded slowly and looked at his mother for assurance. "Who is it baby?"

"Daddy John," he whispered into his mother's ear and then hid his face in Natalie's neck.

"That's right sweetie! Can you say hi, or are you gonna go all shy? Hmmm?" Nat took her index finger and coaxed his chin up so that mother and son were nose to nose and she deposited a quick kiss of encouragement on his soft cheek.

Slowly, Justin turned to look at John again and smiled bashfully. "Hi Daddy John."

"Hi buddy!" It was all John could do not to reach out and touch him. And to his surprise, he felt himself choking up. Jesus, how could he have let himself become a stranger to his own son?

"Natalie, I really am sorry to interrupt," Mrs. Davidson said, "but the car is ready to take us to Llanfair for the reception. I can go ahead with Justin if you would like, or if you would rather keep Justin with you and have John bring you both to the house later that's fine as well. But darling, I really must go. Most of our friends and family are probably on their way there."

Nat blinked and had to think for a moment to bring herself back to the present. The whole incident with John was taking on a surreal quality and Natalie was having difficulty processing it. "No Mom, it's fine. Justin and I will both ride with you back to the house. We'll only be another minute, I promise."

"Certainly honey. I'll just head back to the car. John it was so nice to see you again. Please join us at the house, won't you? There will be so many people I'm certain you will want to see and you can spend some more time with Justin."

John was glad for the intrusion and the reprieve it allowed him to regain his stoic self control. "Thank you Mrs. Davidson, but I'm meeting my brother and Marcie for dinner. I'm going to be in town for a little while so I'm sure I'll see you again soon."

"Well, I'll look forward to it. See you in a few moments darling." Then Vickie left the three alone to try and get their bearings.

Natalie set Justin down beside her and he immediately hid behind his mother peeking out with open curiosity at the big man in front of him he instinctively knew was of enormous significance to his short little life.

"How did he know," John asked Natalie in amazement.

"There's a picture of you on the shelf by his bed. It's been there since he was a baby in his crib. And every night when I tuck him in, we say our good nights and one of them is to you; to your picture, so he's always known you're his Daddy John. He just doesn't quite know what that means yet, but he will."

It was unexpected, a gift he never would have thought Natalie would have felt necessary to give the absentee and often seemingly disinterested father he'd become. As usual, John could not find any words to express the emotion that simple gesture and Natalie herself evoked in him, and it was probably for the best considering he didn't think he could actually talk past the lump in his throat.

"We should go." They stood quietly for a few seconds, reluctant for the encounter to be at an end, but neither of them knowing what they should do next. Nat finally broke the silence. "I had a thought, since you're here in town why don't you come over in the morning and have breakfast with Justin and me? It will give you a chance to spend some time with him in his own environment and if things go well, you could spend the morning with him and his nanny while I go into BE for a little while. Would that work for you?" Nat asked.

John could only nod and clear his throat; grateful to Natalie again, for always understanding his needs even before he did and for her unselfish gesture to offer him a connection to his son. "That sounds good Nat, and thanks I appreciate it. What time?"

Nat laughed and again John was struck by her delicate beauty as her whole face seemed to light up from within. "Well, if we go by Justin time, it's early. He's usually up by 6:00 and breakfast starts at around 6:30 at our house. But any time before say 7:30? That will give us about an hour or so before I would have to leave for BE."

John smiled and soaked up the scene before him as Justin's inquisitiveness got the better of him and he sidled his way from behind to stand in front of his mother. Nat placed her hands on his shoulders.

"I can be there by 6:30. As long as that works for you, Nat. I don't want to intrude on your normal routine."

"There isn't one now," Natalie admitted quietly, and John knew that without Jared in the house, nothing they did was how it used to be. He respected that the toddler would definitely be sensitive to his step father's loss. While Justin may not understand why Jared was gone, or that he wasn't coming back, he would know that his life had been disrupted for a while until time allowed them to put down new daily patterns of every day living.

"Fine," John agreed, "tomorrow morning it is then."

"Great. You know where the house is? We're on River Court, just east of Llanview." At John's nod, Nat leaned over Justin and said, "Can you say goodbye to Daddy John? Grandma's waiting and we have to go, so say good bye and say 'see you tomorrow!'"

Suddenly, Justin bolted from his mother's hold and flung himself at John wrapping his little arms around his legs for a quick toddler style hug. John could marshal no defense. On impulse he reached down to pick the boy up and raise him briefly above his head until father and son were looking eye to eye. "See you tomorrow buddy. You be a good boy for your mom, O.K.?" John carefully set him down on his feet, his heart beating such a hard and fast tattoo he was certain Nat could hear it from where she stood opposite.

Very shyly, Justin waved and said, "'Bye Daddy John. See you 'morrow." Then he ran and slipped his hand into his mother's and was ready to go.

"Bye John. Give Michael and Marcie my best. And please, thank them for the beautiful flowers and the sweet words of sympathy they included. Everything - it really means a lot to me." Their eyes were locked and John was drowning in the truth of her statement, entangled by the vulnerability that was Natalie.

"Take care Nat and I'll see you both tomorrow." He just stood alone in the cemetery watching his son gambol, hop, skip, and run along beside his mother as they made their way across the wide expanse of lawn to the waiting limo that would carry them away.

After the car sped off, John reached for his cell and quickly dialed while he made his way back to the GTO. "Hey, it's McBain." John shifted his cell to the other ear as he climbed in and started the car. "Thanks for taking my call. As I said when I left you the message earlier, I don't think we should discuss this in any great detail over the phone. Yeah, I'm looking into the accident, no defined ideas just yet….For starters, I think I'm simply going to begin with constructing a precise timeline of events." Carefully he pulled the GTO away from the curb and headed down the lane toward the main road. "Sure, I'm interested in whatever you've got or think is worth looking into…..I also understand you're attempting to acquire the full copy of the forensics report as I suggested. We both know it will seem less irregular if you're making the inquiries….appreciate it, man. Just let me know when you've got it pulled together and I'm there." John disconnected the call and then immediately dialed the phone again as he pulled away from the cemetery gates and back out onto the highway.

"Mike! I'm headed into Llanview. How about Rodi's in say a half an hour or so? Great. See you there."

John threw his cell phone on the seat next to him and concentrated on his driving. Despite the state of affairs, he felt foolishly hopeful, and the familiarity of driving from the outskirts of town into Llanview took on the odd impression of a home coming. He parked the GTO in front of Rodi's and was pleased to see that Angel's Square hadn't changed since he'd been gone. And he made a mental note that after dinner he would walk across the Square over to Roxie's hotel and see if he could rent a couple of rooms on a month to month basis. While he wasn't sure just how long he would stay in town, John was committed to sticking around for far more than a couple of short weeks.

As he entered Rodi's and spied his brother, John was completely unaware that he was smiling. He greeted his brother with a long hug, kissed Marcie, and actually ohhhed and ahhhed with genuine enthusiasm over his sweetly sleeping baby niece, Gabrielle. As he settled himself in a chair at the table, he ordered a beer from the hovering waitress.

Marcie sighed, "I told you Michael, it would be much worse than you thought."

"What?" John asked with mild interest, "Something wrong?"

"I don't know Johnny, you tell me….you're fucking smiling, like a man who knows how to be happy. That can't be good, bro." Michael accused in all seriousness.

John just threw back his head and laughed, and the waitress gaze at him with open appreciation as she set his beer down on the table, but John was oblivious to her attention. None of this was lost on either Michael or Marcie.

"It's all good Mikey. No need for concern. Yes, I did see Natalie….and Justin, too. Despite the circumstances, it's been a decent day." It was a gross understatement to say it had simply been a 'decent' day. As John took a long drink from the glass, then smiled again like the village idiot he knew must seem and in blatant testimony to the source of his pleasure, he didn't much care that they knew it.

"You do know that Natalie is in trouble, both because of what she's going through over Jared's death as well as because the uncertain conditions surrounding the accident are still not clear?" Michael tried to bring his brother back to some semblance of cynical caution, but it was going to be difficult to be sure.

"You might as well tell him," Marcie advised her husband as she gently rocked the baby carrier next to her. Gabrielle was such a miracle, and John was glad to see that Marcie and Michael were finally settled into a blissfully normal life of marriage and parenthood.

"Spill it Mike; I'm bound to find out anyway."

Mike shot Marcie a withering look before he resolutely began to tell John what he knew. "Just before the accident, it seems BE was entering into negotiations though JR Chandler for Chandler Enterprises to purchase a position as secondary share holders in a BE electronics subsidiary operation out of Thailand. According to what I've been hearing, the explosion on the boat may have been linked to the deal, and while everyone knows JR Chandler is as dirty as his father Adam, there is some speculation that the actual target was Jared." Michael paused and took a drink of his own beer before continuing. "The truth is, BE didn't need Chandler Enterprises to infuse the Thai operations with cash. That's why it seemed strange Jared was even lowering BE standards to put together a deal with JR Chandler, let alone wining and dining him on the Buchanan yacht."

"Where'd you hear all this Mike," John asked. He was impressed with the intelligence Mike had gathered, and it confirmed what John had pieced together thus far as well. There was no doubt that Jared had a reputation as an astute executive with a take no prisoners style of conducting business. John was also aware Jared had made a lot of enemies as he built BE into the comfortably solvent conglomerate it was today, and maybe someone hadn't taken all that kindly to his shaking up the structure of a company that on the surface didn't need a change in its cash flow, power base, or additional seats added to its board.

"I'm a doctor, John," Michael reminded him. "We hear lot's of peculiar things from patients….not always associated with their chief complaint either. But in this case, I overheard a nurse who is married to one of BE's upper level managers gossiping about it right after the accident and she had plenty to say on the subject. But there's more John."

"Go on."

"Apparently, Natalie and Jared may have been on the verge of separation at the time of his death," Michael glanced at his wife, knowing he was violating a confidence, but there was no turning back. John needed to know. "And Nat's been pretty much out of the day to day affairs regarding her seat on the Board at BE for some time now. Jared has mostly been voting her shares. I understand that last month's meeting was the first she'd attended since just after she married Jared."

That revelation set John back, and his eyes narrowed slightly, "Meaning?"

"Meaning that Natalie was completely out of the loop at BE with the exception of what Jared was telling her. Kevin himself was not always in the know about deals Jared was in the process of constructing. This one caught them all by surprise."

John absorbed the tidbit about Nat's estrangement from Jared, and he filed it away mentally to be considered later. The rest he would compare with the additional details his sources were assembling. He didn't think there was anything to worry about where Natalie's and Justin's safety was concerned, but he wasn't ruling it out either. Not after what Michael had just told him.

"Thanks, Mike. But for the time being, let's just keep this conversation between us."

"That's why you came back isn't it John? You're investigating what happened with Jared and you also think there's reason to be worried about Natalie and Justin…." Marcie brought her fears out into the open. She loved her nephew, and surprisingly had developed a genuine friendship with Natalie. The two often met in the Angel's Square Park for lunch and to enjoy Justin's all boy antics on the playground. When Marcie had discovered the astonishing news that she was pregnant, Natalie had been there for both her and Michael throughout every facet that led to the wonder of her precious daughter, Gabby. Their children were cousins, and Natalie never forgot that relationship and openly extended her love and fierce loyalty to John's family.

"I might be looking into it. But at this point, I haven't uncovered anything that gives me cause for alarm. If - and that's a big if - down the road there was evidence that revealed foul play as the cause of the explosion, I'm geared up to take the necessary precautions with everyone's safety. In the absence of any substantive facts, I'm just here to get to know my son." John drained his beer and shot a meaningful glance at his brother over the rim of the glass. There was no doubt John wanted Michael to understand the circumstances were potentially more significant than he was willing to admit just yet; but that it needed to stay on the down low until he had a clearer idea of whether a murder had been committed, and that Jared Banks was indeed the deliberate victim. No sense in getting Natalie's spidey sense up by having her find out from Marcie there was probably more to his arrival in Llanview than what she had presumed at the cemetery - for now, it would be in Natalie's best interest if she believed he was acting out of nothing more than the sincere intention of providing much needed support during both her and Justin's difficult period of mourning.

"In the mean time, how about we order so I can get another beer from the waitress and Marcie can tell me about all about that adorable niece of mine. Jesus Mikey, how did an ugly mug like you end up fathering such a cute little blonde piece of fluff like that? Are you sure she's his Marcie?" His deflection was successful, and the rest of the evening was spent engaging in light conversation.

Later, when he was lying in the dark in his bedroom in the four room apartment he had rented from Roxie, John took out his new found knowledge that Natalie and Jared had been having serious problems. He examined it with complete subjectivity and decided it was a very good thing in a day filled with endless possibilities. And as he drifted off into a deep and dreamless sleep, John McBain admitted with uncharacteristic self-effacement that for the first time in never, he was advancing with unrestrained optimism straight toward his future.

To be continued……


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks so much for the feedback! This is the first time I have ever attempted anything like this and your thoughts are really appreciated. Enjoy! _

**Kindred Affair**

**Chapter 5**

Bright and early the next morning as promised, John made his way from Llanview's gritty urban core to the charm of the suburbs. Natalie lived in a well established upper middle class neighborhood just outside of Llanview, known as Wentworth Heights. The streets were lined with large nicely cared for older homes; each set back from wide avenues with ample front lawns and pleasingly manicured landscaping. Stately oaks and other mature trees shaded the sidewalks and extended their branches over the roads so the sunrise was softy filtered. Though John knew the area well, he was not indifferent to the perfectly ordered and comfortable affluence each of the residences conveyed. As much as it galled him to admit it, John knew it was arguably an advantage Justin was being raised in surroundings with the promise every kid could aspire to be whatever he wanted, and there were resources to get him well on his way. If Jared had done one thing right with the Buchanan money, it was to secure an address in Wentworth Heights, just far enough away from both Llanfair and the Buchanan mansion to give the Banks family autonomy, but not so far from Llanview that the inner-city couldn't still infuse normalcy into their fashionably privileged lives.

As John turned down River Court, he found himself on a short cul-de-sac which terminated at the bluff of the Llantano River. Natalie's house was in the middle of the street, a handsome two-storied Tudor with a meandering walkway lined on either side with freshly planted spring flowers. Assorted shrubs and bushes dotted the exterior adding interest and texture to the landscaping and the front elevation of the house. Lawns flanked both sides of the walkway, and just south of the structure itself was the driveway. Two grand elms overlooked each boundary of the drive, and a lone sugar maple graced the north side of the lot. John parked the GTO on the street and made his way up the walkway which led to three wide steps at the base of the arched entry framed with rough hewn slate cladding. John stepped in and rang the bell.

When Nattie answered the door, John could see she must have just gotten out of bed. She stood before him wearing sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt. She wasn't wearing any make-up and her hair was twisted into a simple knot and held in unaffected disarray by a large banana clip. She was bare footed, and John grinned to himself as he admired her perfectly manicured toe nails with their ruby red polish. God help him, but John found her relaxed dishevel incredibly sexy. Justin came running up the hall behind her in undies and a t-shirt too, his bare feet slapping on the gleaming hardwood floors. He came to an abrupt standstill when he saw John's approach through the front door. Justin smiled broad, did a one-eighty, and made a beeline back down the hall.

"Hey John, perfect timing. Come on in. I was just getting ready to start breakfast for the crazed monkey." Nat laughed. "He's always a handful when he first wakes up in the morning. If you wouldn't mind, could you take off your shoes and put them in the bench over there? Since Justin plays on the floor so much, I just feel better if I can minimize bringing the outside germs in." Natalie shut the door behind him.

"Sure, Nat." John looked around the bright and welcoming foyer. There were two sets of French doors on either side of the hallway just off the entrance, one set leading into the formal living room and the second which were closed against access into what appeared to be Jared's office. A massive mahogany hall tree sat on the wall adjacent to the living room and the stair case leading to the second floor bordered the corridor on the same side as the office. In the middle of the foyer floor was a round Aubusson rug with a faintly oriental pattern of sculpted roses with vines and leaves in jade green and a background of the same warm cream which adorned the walls. After he removed his boots and stowed them inside the bench of the hall tree, he followed Nat in his stocking feet down the hall noting there was another set of French doors behind the living room and opposite the staircase which led into a formal dining room. The table appeared to be able to seat ten comfortably, and John marveled Natalie could preside over and graciously entertain such large gatherings in her home.

The hall transitioned into the open kitchen, nook, and family room through an arched entrance. Here was obviously Natalie's domain. The kitchen itself was U-shaped with the bank of cabinets not constrained by a wall serving the dual purpose as a snack bar and preparation area long enough to accommodate several barstools. Directly across from the opening of the kitchen was the nook nestled in a generously bumped out bay. Nat had furnished it with a round oak table and chairs, and carried this same wood over into the barstools. The wall leading away from the bay was open to the back deck by a bank of four sizable windows and another set of French doors. A slate brick fireplace took up one entire corner of the family room. Two overstuffed sofas sat before the fireplace and were placed to take advantage of the backyard view, which included a pool. Yet another Aubusson rug defined the large rectangular family room space. A built in entertainment center stretched out from the fireplace and housed among other things, family photographs, treasured knick knacks, and a large flat screen TV. In front of the TV Justin sat on the floor stacking wooden blocks while Sesame Street played in the background showcasing a dancing and singing Kermit the frog.

John was a bit thrown off by the elegance of the setting and how Nattie had excelled in creating a warm and inviting home. He hadn't quite expected this from the woman who had been happily content to live with him in relative squalor at the Angel's Square Hotel. It was evident Natalie had changed considerably during the last two years while intriguingly remaining the same.

Nat made her way into the kitchen. "How about some coffee? Still take it strong, black, and hot?"

"Thanks, yes." John moved to help her get the coffee, but Nat stopped him.

"I'll get it. You go ahead and sit down in the family room." And then she proceeded to ignore him, forcing him to move on silent feet toward their son. John sat on the sofa and after watching Justin repeatedly stack blocks only to cheerfully knock them down by running a dump truck into the base of the pile; he decided if he was to get to know his son, he was going to have to get his hands dirty.

"Want some help with that?" he asked casually.

Justin looked at his father with a somber frown John recognized as his own when he was deep in thought. After a moment, Justin bobbed his head in unspoken permission. John got down on the floor and stretched his long legs out in front of him. Within minutes, the two were so engrossed in play neither noticed Natalie bring John his coffee and set it on the table in front of the sofa.

As Nat made her way back to the kitchen, she felt a sense of dread settle in the pit of her stomach. This was not going to be easy, but then again, nothing between her and John had ever been uncomplicated. Nevertheless, for the sake of her son, she was determined to make it work. Just listening to their relaxed exchange, and watching John stack blocks higher and higher each time Justin, with great gusto, slammed the truck into the stack was enough to convince Natalie she was doing the right thing. Justin would not loose another father no matter what she might be forced to endure. And once John regained his footing in their lives, she had no doubt the impact would be formidable and permanent.

She broke eggs into a bowl and turned the browning bacon on the stove. Natalie considered she was going to have to stay on her toes to keep one step ahead of John McBain; that is if she expected to avert him from her and Jared's business and her own life, but somehow firmly plant him in Justin's, and still maintain her heart fully armored and in one piece. As she whisked the eggs and poured them into another frying pan, Nat measured her other options. She could just tell him the truth. Because knowing John, it was inconceivable he wasn't knee deep into investigating the circumstances surrounding Jared's death. Natalie was certain he had already assembled some crucial information and while she wanted to know what it was, the price to obtain it just seemed too expensive at this juncture. There were parts of her life during the last two years Nattie really wanted to remain undisclosed, not the least of which was the very personal state of her relationship with her husband, and Nat knew John would extort tit for tat if there were ever any discussion on who knew what.

She had been alerted there was more to John's appearance back in Llanview by a surprising late night phone call from Roxie. She'd been having a hard time getting Justin to go down to sleep when the phone rang. Natalie almost let it roll over to voice mail, but given the day she had just had, it could have been her mother, Charlie, or even Nash just checking to be sure she and Justin were okay. She was totally surprised to hear Roxie's voice on the other end.

"Rox! What's up? Is everything all right?" Nat was understandably uneasy. Her foster mother had a penchant for getting herself into all sorts of sticky situations. If Natalie wasn't so certain they were not actually related, she would have supposed this was where she got her own crazy headstrong genes from.

"Oh yeah, I'm just dicky. But I've been a little worried about you Nat….you didn't look so good when you left Llanfair. How are you honey?"

"Well Rox, considering I buried my husband today, how do you think I'm doing? But I'm more worried about Justin…he's been crying for Jared off and on since we got home. I'm probably going to just let him sleep with me again tonight."

"That's nice….You're a good mom Nat, you get that from me. Say, you're never going to believe who I rented the last vacant apartment to tonight….and he paid me cash for three month's too. Johnny McBain! How about that Nat! Your baby daddy is in the house….well, my house anyway."

"What!!!? John rented an apartment…Did he say why?" Nat had been completely blind sided. She did indeed think John would stick around for awhile, but to plan on staying for several months? McBain unmistakably had an agenda and it hinted at so much more than just wanting to get to know his son or even to offer her, the mother of said son, amiable emotional support.

"I just assumed it was because he needed a place to stay and for quite a while too…he knows I don't give refunds." Roxie was right, John was planning on making his home in Llanview into mid summer. It smelled suspiciously like a long term need for a base of operations from which to conduct an investigation. Otherwise, why wouldn't John just stay with Michael and Marcie?

Damn, Nattie couldn't help being just a tad exasperated with how John was going about all of this…she would have liked McBain to come clean with her first. Instead here they were, playing nice and sharing their son over breakfast, which she was cooking by the way, and he hadn't even been back in town twenty-four hours and he was yet again, deciding what she needed to know and when.

So why should she be forthcoming about anything having to do with Jared's life with her, considering none of it most likely had any connection to the horrible accident leading to his death? Nat scooped eggs out of the skillet onto a small plate for Justin and proceeded to sprinkle grated cheese on top and to cut his bacon into manageable bite sized toddler pieces. For once Nat vowed she wasn't going to jump first without looking to see what was waiting for her at the bottom. Really, she was the one in control here; and if truth be told, all she had to do was keep her mouth shut, her eyes wide open, and her ear to the ground. Clearly, she was not without resources and she did not need John McBain to rescue her – at least not yet.

But, ever the pragmatist, Natalie decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to call Marcie later to find out just what John had discussed at dinner with them last night. Maybe Marcie could give her a little more insight into John….because from where Nat was sitting, he had changed. He was still guarded, but as she placed Justin's plate on the table with a sippie cup full of milk, there he was rolling on the floor of her family room and letting Justin crawl all over him. She didn't know anything about the turn his life had taken in California, except whatever had ensued there, John had come back to Llanview with some of the rough edges softened. And while she would never describe John as happy, he seemed content…it made Natalie circumspect. To be sure, the best strategy for now would be to let things settle a little, and she would see what was what….and have a heart to heart with Marcie.

"Come on Jus. Time for breakfast little man. Let Mommy wash your hands and get you situated."

Justin looked up from his prone position on John's feet where he was precariously balanced as the two of them played airplane "No, Mommy – I don't want to!"

Nat placed her hands on her hips and in her best 'I mean business buster' voice she warned, "Justin Thomas, I'm going to count to five and you either come here or you are going to end up in time out. Mommy has to get you fed and then get ready for work. You can play with Daddy John later."

John reached up and securely lifted his son, rolling to a sitting position in one smooth motion. As he got to his feet Justin started to fuss. "That's it buddy. You heard your mother, and if I know anything, neither you nor I better mess with her when she uses that tone." He carried the boy over to the counter and sat him next to the basin. As Nat finished serving breakfast, John calmly washed his son's hands with warm soapy water between his own. He used the towel folded neatly over a dish rack to dry both his and Justin's hands. Then he simply carried the child to the nook and set him in his booster chair at the table.

"Can you put his bib on him too? Thanks, John." And Nat refreshed both of their coffee cups, pouring cream into her own.

John sat down opposite Justin, with Nat taking the seat in between. The food smelled wonderful, and as he forked eggs into his mouth, he was genuinely surprised at how good they tasted. "Damn, Nat. When did you learn how to cook? I don't think I'm going to even need any Tabasco." He didn't know what she had put in them, but he thought he tasted a hint of fresh dill and they were completely cooked, but not dry, and light and fluffy.

"You're welcome and I'm glad you like it. It's amazing what I learned from the food channel."

"Seriously? You know Nat, I'm impressed with how you managed to have time for raising Justin, putting together this house, and then handling your responsibilities at BE too." John ate a piece of crisp bacon in two quick bites.

Nat sat back in her chair and reached for her coffee. It seemed like an offhanded and innocent enough observation, but she just wasn't sure. She took a couple of sips from the mug before she carefully replied, "Mostly, I've been a stay at home mom. Even with Sabrina's very capable help, I don't like leaving Justin for long periods. And BE is a time sink….So Jared and I basically came to a very workable arrangement. I'd be his business partner in that I would entertain as much and as often as he needed to secure the deal or smooth the progress of an alliance with some other corporate CEO he was courting. Not as exciting as being involved in the day to day decision making as an exec with the company or sitting on the Board at BE. But for me, the best time of my life has been spent making a real home and watching this little guy grow and thrive."

"But now you're going back to BE...Isn't that going to be tough, not that I don't think you can't handle jumping back into the business end of things," John quickly assured her. "It just seems like it might be a bit too soon, for both you and Justin."

Nat got a distant look in her eyes, and for a moment John felt a fleeting stab of remorse about steering the conversation in such a touchy direction. She shrugged her shoulders, "Kevin asked me to come back. Jared was such an integral part of BE and Kevin is worried his loss will place the company into what corporate raiders may see as a defenseless position. BE will then be perceived as ripe for a hostile takeover similar to what occurred when my grandpa Asa died. Kevin's right, the company is going to need every Buchanan to keep it on a steady course, and that includes me. So I can't exactly place BE in jeopardy by not returning to work. So that's what I'll do." Nat helped her son get the last of his eggs onto his spork so he could finish.

Natalie wasn't telling John anything which hadn't been discussed daily in business sections of every major newspaper across the country, including Llanview's own Banner, since Jared's death. This new tightly controlled Nattie was a puzzle. He hadn't intended to pry, but the opportunity had just presented itself and he needed to get under her skin if he was going to get her to open up enough to let him help her. John's instincts were telling him if he could uncover the guileless Nattie he had once been so in sync with, he would be amazed at what he would find underneath.

John wiped his mouth with his napkin, deciding for now, the operative word was patience. Time had passed and while they did share a child, it was going to take more than breakfast for them to restore the trust and interdependence they used to take for granted. "I know it's got to seem daunting Nat. But eventually both you and Justin are going to move past this and you'll figure out a way to cope. And I don't think you need to worry much about Justin….he's been with Sabrina forever so there shouldn't be any real upset. You just have to remember to lean on those of us who are more than willing to help ease you both through the transition."

"Thanks, John. I really do appreciate it. I'm not so sure about the 'coping' part, but just having someone to talk things over with helps more than you realize." Nat glanced at the clock above the sink. "Oh my God, where did the morning go? I'm going to be late if I don't start to get ready. Do you think you could handle getting Justin cleaned up and dressed once he finishes? I'll put his clothes out on his bed. First though, try and get him to use the potty. We've started to work on that and the key to success is setting a schedule sticking to it. Oh and wash him up before you get his clothes on. He knows the drill, don't you Jus?" At John's look of alarm, Nat had to laugh. "Well gee McBain, just think of it as the first of the many things I may need you to do to help me and Justin through the transition."

John threw his napkin at her as she stood and carried her plate and coffee cup to the sink. She dodged the shot nimbly and easily missed being hit. John eyed Justin with dubious scrutiny before he admitted, "Hey, that may be asking a lot right out of the gate…can't we start with something a little more – I don't know – easy? Like tossing around a ball?"

"He's two, how hard can it be? Besides, there's no time like the present to fully immerse yourself in becoming a parent." Nat laughed again and John marveled at how young and exquisite she looked with the sunlight streaming through the kitchen window highlighting her flawless skin and turning her hair the color of fire. He was glad the mood had eased, but he still wasn't sure he could handle grooming a toddler. The truth was John would rather take a knife into a gunfight as opposed to risk failing as a father. And he had a sneaking suspicion Nat was setting him up. "His bathroom is the first door to the left at the top of the stairs. Justin's room is the next door down. By the way, there's still more coffee if you want it. Just holler if you need anything else." And then she was gone.

John sighed and when he glanced back at his son, Justin was grinning.

"All done," and he held up two very greasy dirty little hands to give weight to his statement.

"Are you sure?" John eyed the couple of pieces of meat still on his small plate, and jiggled his sippy cup to see if there was any milk left.

Justin nodded and shouted "All done," to confirm he really didn't want anything else that was left.

"Okay, then here we go. Mommy says potty first, so potty it will be." John swung Justin high and out of the booster chair and held him securely with one strong forearm. As they started down the hall Justin's eyes were glued to John's face. With sweet artlessness, his son simply reached out and ran his hand along the stubble on his jaw.

"My Daddy John."

It was so unexpected. John smiled with complete happiness and reinforced the sprouting bond between them, "My Justin, you're my daddy's boy."

He was especially pleased when Justin responded by beaming back with his same smile; and John held the boy a little closer as he took the stairs two at a time. His heart swelled with pride and affection, it was effortless to fall in love with this little boy and John decided he was really going to like this fatherhood stuff.

But he nearly changed his mind over the potty training. By the time John had convinced him to go, Justin had flushed the toilet about a dozen times and wadded up nearly half a roll of paper and thrown it in the bowl while John stood outside trying to give him his privacy. John realized in retrospect, maybe a 28 month old boy does not in actuality need privacy. Not when he squeals with delight as he runs buck naked down the stairs and through the house, with a streaming piece of pilfered toilet paper clutched in his still dirty hand. John was thankful Nattie hadn't come out to see what was causing all the commotion, and didn't witness her son fly down the stairs without even using the banister while his ineffectual father was rooted in place by shock. He'd needed to go chasing after the boy just to corral him and carry him back up the stairs like a sack of potatoes with Justin chanting the whole way "Do it again! Chase me again!"

John did change his mind over the washing up and teeth brushing. He sat Justin on the counter next to the sink to make it easier to control the boy and was pretty confident because this had worked so well when he'd washed his hands earlier. But all it succeeded in accomplishing this time was allowing the now uncooperative child easy access to the basin full of water which was a big mistake. By the end of the teeth brushing fiasco, which in itself left a huge mess on the mirror and countertop (how could a child not know how to spit water into the proper receptacle?), John was soaked and Justin seemed to be having the time of his life. He wriggled uncontrollably through the now very necessary second sponge bath, and when it was over, the previously tidy bathroom was a downright disaster. There was no hope for it, and after he got Justin dressed, John was going to have to come back and try to return the bathroom to some semblance of order before Natalie saw what they had done. He quickly unbuttoned and removed his soaked shirt and threw it over the shower door. Now clad only in his worn and faded blue jeans, John scooped up his son and proceeded into the bedroom to bravely face the last bit of torture – stuffing a squirming kid into his clothes.

When John walked into Justin's room, he laughed. By God, only his Nattie would think to turn the boy's room into a wetland wonderland; with frogs, dragonflies, fish, and all manner of pond creatures hanging around in the waters and grassy knolls scattered here and there on Justin's walls. The room was cheerful, boyish, and cute all rolled into one and John in fact really liked it.

But there was still the task at hand, so bravely John strode over to the bed with his son.

"Okay…if Daddy puts you down, will you please be good and let me get you dressed?" He knew he was begging, but damn – what else could he do?

Justin giggled and bounced around in his father's arms, "I pwomise, I'll be good!"

John eyed him doubtfully, and then just sighed. It was a sad day when a grown man was at the mercy of a two year old. John set the child down in front of him and turned him so they were both facing the same direction. With one arm firmly holding his son in place he managed to get him into clean undies, pants and thread both arms through the appropriate shirt sleeve. Then he was confronted with buttons, tiny buttons his man sized fingers fumbled to try and pass through the corresponding tiny holes.

"Jesus Jus, why didn't your mom choose a t-shirt?"

Nat stood in the doorway, enjoying the spectacle. She had already gone through and righted the chaos in the bathroom, but it was worth the energy expended to do damage control if it meant there would be more of what was before her in store. Justin was concentrating on his father's hands at his chest, working diligently to secure the fasteners. Occasionally, John's hair would brush the child's cheek, and Justin would look up to peer into his father's identical blue eyes with serious attentiveness. When he was done, John lifted Justin up to hold him high over his head and toss him playfully. Justin screamed with laughter.

"Well, I see you two managed just fine without me. Were you a good boy, and did you go potty, get your teeth brushed?"

John was nearly knocked over by the sight of Nattie. She was altogether business and understated gorgeous in a black A-line skirt and a white sleeveless pull over shell with tiny black polka dots. Her hair was held back with a black enameled clip at the crown and the long red fall reached nearly halfway down her back. And she was smiling, with the sheer heart-on-her sleeve delight that was purely Nattie. She took his breath away.

"What happened to your shirt McBain?"

"Ask your son," John quipped settling Justin easily in his arms and against his torso. "and I believe he did go potty – though it wasn't easy, and don't even ask about anything else because I never for a minute was in charge."

"Well, that's a first…" Natalie laughed and crossed the room to stand directly in John's space, gently placing her hands on his arms as she leaned in to give Justin a kiss. His senses were overwhelmed by the smell and energy of her standing so close to his own suddenly overheated body. It was absolutely innocent, but the effect was potent.

"Are you all clean, and your teeth brushed and minty fresh?" At Justin's nod of assent, Nat said, "Let me see…mmmm yes, because I think you were such a good boy for Daddy, come let me give you an Eskimo kiss."

John watched fascinated by the display of enchanting maternal affection as Nat rubbed noses with their son before she kissed him again briefly on his soft mouth. As she pulled away John's eyes locked with hers, and if he just arched toward her with Justin a little more…could he convince Nattie to give him a kiss because he'd been a very good boy too?

"Good morning!" Nat jumped as though she'd been shot, and for a moment, John thought he detected guilt reflected in her eyes.

"Sabrina! You're here already?" Oh yeah, that was guilt all right. Nattie was visibly nervous; and John was pleased by the fact she was embarrassed at having been caught in such an intimate display with him, innocuous though it may be. She'd been happy and fully engaged by him and their son with no thoughts of either Jared or BE to mar the perfect moment. Just simply in the here and now and vibrantly alive; the essence of Natalie, and sweet remembrance of the way it always used to be when they were together. It was all John needed to know, and he bestowed a genuine smile on Sabrina for having unwittingly brought Nattie's emotions into the light.

"I'm actually a little late this morning. Well, as I live and breathe, if it isn't John McBain! It's so wonderful to see you!" Sabrina gushed.

John set Justin down, "Sabrina! It's good to see you again, too. You haven't changed at all."

Good God, Natalie thought, he was enjoying this, though why John should think what could be construed as a compromising situation between them was _amusing_, Nat would never know. And why hadn't she thrown his freaking shirt in the dryer as soon as she saw it hanging in the bathroom –– he was nearly naked for Christ sake, and here she was with her hands all over him. What was wrong with her? Nat needed to thicken her skin where John McBain was concerned. No matter how low-key and unassuming he may seem to be, Nat knew better and she couldn't afford to forget that right now and let down her defenses.

Sabrina giggled, "Well, I hardly think that's true. But I must say, it's good to have you back, Mr. John."

"Just John," he corrected. "And it's good to be back, and I'm grateful for all the obvious love and attention you've showered on my son…..and Natalie."

Sabrina was genuinely pleased with John's observation and ready gratitude, "My pleasure," she said as she took Justin's hand in hers. "But you know, there's no thanks needed 'cause this one and his mommy are like my own family." Sabrina shot Natalie a pointedly questioning look, and Nat could do nothing more than stand there mortified. She would pay for this with a sound grilling from Sabrina, of that she was absolutely sure.

When Nat didn't say anything, Sabrina continued to take in the little tableau she had interrupted and said, "Well little man, should we go downstairs and get started on cleaning up the kitchen?"

"I'm sorry the house is such a mess this morning." Nat sighed and admitted, "Everything has just sort of gotten away from me." And she dared a glance at the reason her balance was off. But his arms were folded across his bare chest and he seemed totally unconcerned by the stir he was causing.

"No worries, Miss Natalie. Really, I'll have the place right in no time. Justin honey, go and give your Mommy a last kiss good-bye."

Justin ran to his mom as she knelt for his quick peck on her cheek. "Bye baby, I'll see you later this afternoon. You be good for Sabrina." Then Nat turned to John, "If you want, I'm sure Sabrina wouldn't mind if you stayed around for awhile." Though the last thing she wanted was John conspiring with Sabrina while she was away at BE. God knew what scraps of information John could get out of her by just turning on his Irish charm. So she was relieved when he declined her invitation.

"I actually have to be somewhere in a couple of hours, so I'd probably better be going as well."

"You leavin'?" Justin asked, and there was distress in his voice.

John answered, "Yeah buddy – I have to go too. But I'll see you tomorrow." Justin's eyes filled instantly with tears and his lower lip began to tremble. At the change in his son's affect, John became alarmed. It struck him that from Justin's perspective, if an adult male figure left, he couldn't be sure there would ever be a return. John picked him up so they were face to face and Justin could see for himself the solemn truth of his father's words.

"I'll be back tomorrow. Same as today," and at Nat's signal of agreement John went on, "we'll have breakfast again, play some more, and that's a promise. And Sabrina can call me so you can talk to me any time you want. Okay?" At Justin's reluctant nod, John kissed his son for the first time in two years and with his voice husky with the sentiment said, "I love you buddy." Justin hugged him tight around his neck before John put him down.

There was a note of strong approval in Sabrina's voice as she reinforced John's assurances to the child, "Brina has Daddy John's phone number, so we can talk to him any time, just like he said. And we can even call your Mommy too, but I don't think we'll need to. Now, how about let's get started tidying up the kitchen, okay?"

Nat watched her son go down the stairs with his beloved nanny, grateful his sunny disposition and equilibrium had been restored by John's recognition of his feelings. Damn but how did he do it? With one simple intuitive action, he had wiped out any lingering exasperation on Natalie's part; Justin needed him, and it was her responsibility to strengthen John's position as a stable force in Justin's life. The rest she would just try and deal with as it came up. She was no longer an innocent, and fully understood the risk that she could lose herself to this openly sensitive and warm-hearted John McBain. Natalie steeled her will to maintain some semblance of independence from John even if it mortally wounded her, and it most likely would.

"Well, I'd best be heading out to work before I'm so late Kevin is sorry he even asked for my help in the first place. Why don't you walk out with me John?"

They left the room and John stopped off in the now clean bathroom to retrieve and change into his still soggy shirt. He joined Natalie downstairs in the foyer to put on his boots. Once they were outside in the full morning sunlight and alone, Natalie turned to him and said, "I just want you to know you're a wonderful father. Justin and I are incredibly fortunate to have you in our lives right now. I'll see you tomorrow." Just seeing him standing there, with his shirt still damp and his hair all mused, prepared to do what ever was necessary to fit himself seamlessly into their son's life…..despite all of her earlier resolutions, Natalie spontaneously pulled John into her arms. She held him close so their bodies were wholly touching, and the top of her head was nearly grazing his chin. It left John speechless. It was over quickly, and then she dashed off to her small imported SUV parked at the top of the driveway and roared off with a final wave of her hand.

To be continued…….

- 11 -


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks soooo much for all of your feedback...I have to say this is just writing itself. Have fun, I know I am :)

**Kindred Affair**

**Chapter 6**

Once John was finally speeding down the highway, he was already late for his meeting. He hadn't counted on loosing the time it took to backtrack into Llanview to change his clothes before he could head out to the harbor. But it couldn't be helped. Though it was sunny, the air still had a crisp early spring chill to it, and his shirt had just been too soggy to wear comfortably, even if he could cover up the big wet splotches with his jacket. John laughed out loud. Justin was a mess, and either he was going to have to carry a change of clothes in the GTO or he would have to leave at the very least a clean shirt at Nattie's. Because after this morning, he was planning on being a permanent fixture out at the casa de Banks….and spending every waking moment with Justin…..and Natalie.

Goddamn but his whole life had been turned upside down. John was stunned to discover that everything he had thought he had ever really wanted wasn't what was essential after all. He had only been perpetrating the lie against his own person in a ludicrous effort to keep himself from getting hurt. The epiphany was so abrupt and the force so considerable that John could never go back to the aloof and inaccessible man he had been. He owed it to himself, Natalie, and more importantly to his son to open up his heart to them. He hit the steering wheel of the GTO in abject frustration that it had taken him over two fucking years to figure out what every other parent on the planet seemed to already know….Justin hadn't chosen to be brought into a fractured family where his own father was afraid to show any sort of emotion for fear of rejection. It was his job to at the very least to provide an example of what it meant to be a man who knew how to love unconditionally. John realized if he never gave Justin anything else, this one gift would see him through. So it was done, regardless of what happened between him and Natalie, John would not leave Justin ever again. And Natalie, she would just have to get damn well used to it, and he would have to figure out why she found it so necessary to erratically run cold and hot with him….

John pulled into the harbor parking lot and nosed the GTO into a slot several stalls down from the man office building. As he got out of the car, he breathed deeply of the fresh late morning air, and the breeze coming off the bay blew his hair. It was cliché, but John felt extraordinarily alive and on the top of his game. He was ready to do this, and the truth was going to give his family a reason to heal and move forward. He strode over to the door with the sign "Harbor Master" and entered. The receptionist looked up from her computer terminal.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm John McBain and I have a meeting scheduled with Ed Britton. I'm a little late."

"Yes, Mr. McBain. He's been expecting you. Just one moment." She picked up the telephone and announced him.

Within moments Ed came out of his office. He was a large man both in stature and girth with a ruddy complexion and a full head of white hair that he was inordinately proud of. Despite his advancing years, he was vigorous and he and John went way back to the days when John had been with the Llanview PD.

"Well shit McBain, I'd almost given up on you!" He shook John's hand firmly and slapped him on the back with genuine affection. "Come on in. How the hell have you been?"

John followed him into his office and took a seat opposite his desk. "Pretty good Ed. And you?"

"Can't complain. Can I get you anything, coffee, a shot of whiskey…I know it's a little early, but damn, it's not everyday you and I get a chance to sit down and shoot the shit for awhile."

"Thanks, Ed. But really, I'm fine."

"You're sure?" and at John's second refusal Ed got down to business. "So I'm assuming there is something I can do for you. And I'm betting it has to do with the recent death of one Jared Banks."

"I know the authorities are all over this one Ed, from the FBI, to the Coast Guard, and the NTSB….but you know my ties to the Buchanan family. Jared was my son's step-father. So I need to be absolutely sure this was either a horrendous and tragic accident or this was a blatantly violent hit. One or the other, Ed and the sooner I can ascertain the answer, the better."

Ed leaned back in his desk chair and looked at John's deadly calm demeanor. He opened his lower desk drawer and brought out two shot glasses and a nearly full bottle of Old Bushmill's. He poured out the whiskey into both of the glasses and pushed one towards John. "You're going to need it. What do you want to know?"

"Well for starters, were you on duty the day it happened?" John pulled his notebook and pen from the inner pocket of his jacket. He flipped the notebook open and gave Ed his full attention.

"Yes, I was here. Actually got into the office that morning about 45 minutes early, right around 08:00 hours and Jared Banks drove in about 15 minutes after that. I saw him come through driving that flashy black Italian sports car of his and head down to the berth. One thing about Banks, you couldn't miss him. And it was odd from the start because he generally didn't take out the Buchanan yacht on his own, usually went out with Kevin or other family members. The Mrs. told me once he had a tendency to get sea sick if the water was the least little bit rough. It was pretty clear he didn't much like that boat and only cruised when he absolutely had to."

John made a couple of pertinent notes before he asked, "How about JR Chandler, when did he show up – did you notice when he arrived?"

"Well, that's the puzzle. No one actually saw Chandler either come into the marina or board the yacht. But there's no doubt he was on that boat from the moment she shoved out. Interestingly, he seemed not to want to be recognized. Chandler rented a pretty nondescript sedan, and parked it down where all the sail boats are docked. Well away from the luxury crafts. Obviously he walked to the Buchanan berth, but damned if anyone noticed him. So it seems Chandler was working to blend in with his surroundings. The rental car wasn't even recovered until three days after the yacht exploded. None of my guys even recognized the car had been abandoned since it's not unusual for a vehicle to be left for extended periods in that part of the marina." Ed explained before he took a swig of his whiskey. "Anyway, based on the log, the yacht left her berth about 09:25. Nothing about the weather or any other conditions could have prepared us for what happened next. Approximately 90 minutes after she left for the open water, what appears to have been precipitated by a fuel leak, caused an explosion in the main tank followed virtually instantaneously by a second explosion in the auxiliary tank that literally blew the boat to pieces. The explosion packed such a powerful punch debris was retrieved from a mile wide radius. No surprise all were lost, Chandler, Banks, and five crew who were on board. "

"When was the last time the yacht underwent a comprehensive safety assessment?"

"The week previously. Oddly enough, there had been reports of some minor vandalism and petty thievery in that area of the marina the first of which dated back to two weeks before the Banks incident. While none of the initial crime victims reported anything that could be construed as having an effect on the safety of the vessels involved; as a precaution, I issued a statement with the aim of encouraging every boat in a 25 berth vicinity of the vandalism wave to undergo a complete inspection. Most owners heeded this advice and as an additional preventative measure, security was beefed up in the area. I know for a fact that the Buchanan's captain, Raoul Arietta made damn sure the yacht was gone over with a fine toothed comb. Kevin Buchanan himself stated that it was unlikely the fuel lines were damaged in any way when she put out on her final voyage based on that last inspection report." Ed drained his whiskey.

John put his notebook aside. "What do you think Ed?" and John reached for his own whiskey glass. The alcohol rolled smoothly across John's tongue and burned a fiery path down his throat and into his belly. Something told him he was going to need the liquid fortitude.

Ed eyed John from across his desk and chose his words carefully, "I think that the Buchanan yacht was an older vessel. While it was well cared for with routine maintenance and frequent upgrades, the fuel system itself had been pretty much untouched for over 20 years with the exception of replacing pumps and filters. That having been said, I have never known Raoul to ever take out a boat even for a shoreline cruise that wasn't at better than ship shape. If Raoul had that craft inspected, it's goddamn certain it went well beyond the extra mile and no problems would have gone undetected let alone not repaired."

"So, if I'm interpreting this correctly," John began to sum up, "it is plausible though not probable the explosion was caused by a faulty fuel line?"

Ed nodded.

"Where's what's left of the wreckage?"

"Remanded to a scow berthed in the Buchanan slip. But I gotta warn you. The FBI has it pretty carefully guarded. They brought in some boys from San Francisco to prevent favors being granted to anyone Buchanan or Chandler. No one who isn't authorized gets anywhere near what's been recovered of that yacht."

The significance of this wasn't lost on John. G-men not associated with the east coast would be less likely to be influenced by the power and political clout wielded by both the Chandler and Buchanan names. John tossed back the last of his whiskey. "As always, I appreciate your candor Ed. If something else comes to you that I should know about, you've got my number. Thanks for the whiskey. And the next time you're in Llanview, let me return the favor and buy you a drink."

John then proceeded to take the GTO for a spin down to the luxury berths to see how easy it would be to peruse some of the evidence for himself. When he spotted the scow, it was anchored some distance out on the water and the berth itself was cordoned off with several agents wearing agency windbreakers with 'FBI' blazoned across the back and milling about on the docks. John didn't recognize any of them, so there was no point in exposing himself yet by going down there for a little friendly chat. There was no way John was going to be able get close enough to that scow to take a look at the chunks of debris that had once been the Buchanan yacht. But if the forensics report didn't yield enough information, he was going to call in some pretty big favors to gain access. For the time being, it was enough to know no one else who wasn't agency personnel was going to be able to get near the evidence either.

Later that evening, while John was sitting on the battered burnt orange sofa in his apartment going over some of his notes from his interview with Ed, his cell rang. John looked at the caller ID and saw Nat's number. "Hey, what's up?"

"Hi, John. I hope this isn't a bad time. It's just that I have someone here who is insisting on talking to you."

He could hear Justin crying in the background. "Is everything okay?"

Nat sighed, "Yes, it's just that bedtime lately is a bit difficult. Justin's usual schedule has been off for awhile now, and tonight when we got to the part where we say night night to Daddy John – he started crying. Honestly John, I wouldn't have called you, but well, I can't seem to comfort him and he's literally been begging to talk to you." Nat sounded stressed and as though she was nearing her wits end.

"Look, no reason to worry about calling me, any time of the day or night – he's my son too, and I meant what I said earlier today, whatever you both need and I can give you, I'm there. So put him on and if I can't quiet him down, then I'll drive on over. Okay?"

"Great, I'm going to put him on now…." He heard Nat attempting to soothe Justin as she held the phone up to his ear. "It's your Daddy. He's going to say night night. Hold the phone baby, say 'hi'"

Once John could hear Justin's ragged breathing, he knew he was on the other end. "Hi buddy, it's Daddy. Are you having a hard time tonight?"

Nat was coaxing Justin, "Go ahead sweetie, Daddy's listening," and then proceeded by a hiccup, Justin simply said, "Hi Daddy."

"There's my big guy. Do you remember what I said before? I'm going to be there in the morning, first thing when you wake up and we're going to have breakfast, and then we'll play some ball. Would you like that? What do you think?"

There was a long silence, which was an improvement over the sobbing Justin had been doing only moments earlier.

John continued his one-sided dialog, "So, you have to go night night or morning won't get here. I love you Justin, you be a good boy for mommy and I'll see you when you wake up."

"John?"

"Yeah Nat, I'm here."

"I don't know what you said, but he's much calmer. You want to hang on for a sec while I try and put him into bed?"

"Sure. And really, it's no big If you need me to, I can come over too."

"Let's try this first, it's so late and by the time you get out here, he might already be asleep. Okay, I'm just going to put the phone down…."

John could hear her soft cooing and the rustle of covers. Then she came back on the line. "If I'm really not interrupting anything, would you mind just hanging out and chit chatting for a few….just until he falls asleep? Once he's out, he usually stays that way. But just in case, I mean, I can't predict his behavior anymore and he's completely off his normal routine."

"Nat, I already told you; you're not interrupting, there's nothing to worry about, and even if I was involved in something, Justin and you would come first." John got up from the sofa and wandered into the kitchen to get a beer. As long as he wasn't going to be concentrating on work for awhile, he might as well relax and enjoy the company. "So is he falling asleep, or is he still wide awake and just quiet?"

"He's right here, next to me in my bed with his thumb in his mouth and his blankey clutched in his other hand….but not quite awake and not quite asleep….getting there though. You know, that's something I always wanted to ask you. Did anyone in your family suck their thumb? Mom says no one on her side ever did and Roxie says I didn't either…so I just wondered if he got that from a McBain."

John did his best not to think about Natalie curled up in her usual sleeping attire of a t-shirt and panties with his son cuddled up next to her. It was too tempting by half and he knew from experience how warm and soft Nattie felt. "Yeah," he admitted, "it's a McBain thing. I sucked my thumb until I was about four. My mom tried everything to get me to quit…bitters, wrapping my hand in a sock before I went to bed, you name it, she tried it….I don't even know why I stopped, I just did. I think I basically out grew it. If I'm remembering right, my dad sucked his thumb when he was a kid too."

"Really? I don't know if you recall, but when Justin was a baby, I did try to get him to accept a pacifier, but he wouldn't go for it. Just kept spitting it out and went right back to sucking his thumb. I guess some babies have even been seen on sonograms with their thumbs in their mouths in the womb. Anyway, you never really told me much about your childhood, so sometimes I have no basis for comparison when I've got questions about something Justin does."

"Nat you only ever have to ask me. I'd tell you anything you want to know."

Natalie laughed softly, "Since when McBain. But okay, let's try it then. So, what were you really up to today? Want to tell me who you talked with about Jared's accident?"

John was taken aback. Though he realized he probably shouldn't be, it was his red-headed spitfire after all. He rolled the cold beer bottle across his forehead while he tried to quickly decide whether he should just out and out lie or selectively deceive her through careful omission. "What makes you think I'm making inquiries into your husband's death?"

"Hmmmm, let's see how the evidence stacks up, shall we? First, you come back into our lives on the day of Jared's funeral. Then you rent an apartment from Rox for an extended period, pay cash in advance knowing full well that if you need to leave town Roxie will never refund you any money. And finally, according to someone who seems to know these things, you apparently spent the better part of today putting together a timeline of events leading up to Jared's accident. So, now can we discuss it? Or do you still want to try and disagree with me it's why you're really here."

Oh no, they absolutely were not going to fucking discuss it. Nat may have staggered him with her network of informants, one of which he was pretty certain was his traitorous sister-in-law, but her advantage was only temporary at best. He was not about to let her put him on the defensive. "You're right Nat, and I've told you that over and over again. Jared's death _is_ why I'm here. I've never tried to hide it. But that's as far as it goes, my only concern in all of this is for you and Justin. Period. And as for sticking around awhile, I did have a life here. It's nice to reconnect with old friends, Mike, Marcie, and the baby. And it goes without saying how I feel about Justin…." John intentionally let his voice trail off.

"So what are you saying, you're not working up Jared's case?" Nat didn't even try to conceal the skepticism in her voice.

"I'm here for you and to get to know my son. From what I can tell, enough agencies and personnel are investigating the circumstances of the accident so that I highly doubt my services would be of much value. Wouldn't you agree?"

Nat faltered for a moment, "Are you sure?"

John changed the tactic, "Do you trust me Natalie? Because if you do, then you will just have to consider that I only have both of your best interests at heart."

"You know I trust you…." Nat sighed with resignation, "and I'm not trying to be ungrateful for everything you're doing here. It's just that I need you to be honest with me John. If you think there is something untoward surrounding the circumstances of the accident, I need to know. Jared was my husband, and Justin's step father….I understand if this is hard for you to hear, but it's the truth of our lives over the last two years. So if there is cause to think he was deliberately harmed, I have to know."

"Look, I think we should let this go for now. I don't think it's such a good idea for you to get upset, especially if Justin is still awake and can pick up on the nuance of our conversation. But I will give you this much, I was meeting with someone about a case I'm considering accepting…so long as it doesn't look like it's going to take me away from the two of you for any extended period of time. Which leads me to what I _**do**_ want to talk about, were you really fine with my having liberal visitation with Justin?"

"I can't believe you even have to ask. Any time you want to see him, you can. You may want to call Sabrina first though just to be sure she's not taking him to a play group or shopping; but if I'm home, there's no problem with you just coming on over. By the way, he's fast asleep. Listen, he's snoring." Nat held the phone to her son's slightly open mouth and sure enough, John heard the soft snores coming from his deeply sleeping son.

"Now _**that**_ he most definitely did not get from me, " John asserted, obviously amused.

Natalie yawned, "No he didn't. Well, I'd probably better let you go. I'll see you in the morning. Thanks, John. It is nice to know I can lean on you if I need to."

"I don't know why you think you have to keep thanking me. At the very least I'm assuming we're still friends Natalie, and that's reason enough for me to be there for you. Get some rest, and if Justin wakes up, just call me."

"I will. 'Night John."

After he hung up, he gathered all of the notes he'd compiled from the various sources and proceeded to sort them into chronological order of events. In the process, he re-read portions and scribbled a few comments or observations. Before John knew it, it was after midnight. He carefully laid the stacks on the credenza behind the sofa, and turned out the living room light. On his way into the bedroom, his cell rang again. Only this time it was not Natalie, but another number John instantly recognized on the caller ID.

"McBain. No, it's no problem, I was still up…..I'm assuming it's a fairly preliminary report?...You're right, I would like to see it……Yeah I know where it's at…7:00 then, in AC. Just let me know if your plans change." John hung up and was pleased with how quickly the integral pieces of information were all coming together. Even better, at least for the time being, he had managed to throw Natalie off the scent.

The following night as John was coming into Atlantic City on the turnpike, he found himself appreciating the skyline and the bright lights of his home town. Both he and Nattie were AC brats, and growing up in the rough core of the city had contributed to the tough street savvy adults they both were today. It was why he completely got Natalie, she'd pretty much been forced to raise herself and her younger brother Rex as Roxie had pursued her favorite past times of drinking and gambling. Natalie knew early on the world was a less than sympathetic place, but she had managed to maintain an enchanting sense of optimism that John found himself drawn to time after time. Natalie was his counter balance…and he needed that. His own father had been murdered on the mean AC streets, but the loss had turned John introspective, dark, and unable to move on for many years. When, with Nattie's tenacious alliance, he had at last gained closure, it was on this very same turnpike that John had shortly thereafter nearly lost his life.

As much as he hated to admit it, his recovery from the extensive burns he sustained in the accident should have served as his wake up call. Instead it had made him mean, bitter, and angry with Natalie for trying to care for him, get him to do what he needed to do to facilitate his recovery. He'd not had any patience with her fears, nor empathy for what she had gone through while thinking him dead for all those months. They had lost their way, and he'd let her go at a time when he'd really needed her most. But Natalie stood as a reminder of the most weak and defenseless period in his life, and John had just wanted to forget it ever happened. So he'd played the coward, letting Nattie leave him so he could embark on a no where relationship with another woman. In the process, John understood his betrayal had destroyed the last of Nat's tender feelings for him. She really did move on, because he alone had compelled her to. John could acknowledge now it was the single most unintelligent choice he ever made in his entire adult life. And he had set the stage for Jared to come in and take what was rightfully his…including his son.

When John walked into the Four Leaf Clover he was hit with the familiar obnoxious scents all dive bars were famous for, stale cigarette smoke and cheap booze. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting that served to keep the patrons anonymous and the seediness of the place under wraps. After a moment he spotted Kevin Buchanan sitting in a booth in a back corner. John made his way over and slid into the cracked and sagging Naugahyde bench opposite.

Kevin had a double bourbon on the table in front of him. He motioned the waitress over and greeted John with a simple, "McBain. Thanks for coming."

John ordered a mineral water with lime from the blowsy server with platinum hair and pancake make-up that couldn't hide the dissipation her hard life was etching on her face. Yeah, he was back in AC all right, but why did Kevin Buchanan feel the need to slum was the operative question?

"So," John started out, "I expect there's a reason why you wanted to see me far enough away from Llanview that we're not likely to be disturbed let alone recognized."

Kevin took a long drink from his bourbon, "You know, I've never liked you McBain….liked even less what I watched you do to my baby sister through the years. But I respect your abilities as both a cop and now as a PI, which is reason enough for me to overlook my personal feelings for now." Kevin slid a large manila envelope across the table towards John. "That's everything I've managed to pull together to date regarding the initial investigation. I browsed through it some; and while it's not conclusive, it's pretty apparent the explosion was not the result of a faulty fuel line. There were traces of an accelerant and some suggestion the catalyst may have been put in motion from a device on shore. A simple yet effective means to set off the blast and murder my brother-in-law with no regard for the collateral damage done to the Chandler family."

John opened the envelope and peered inside for a moment noting there were several thick documents and two CDs. For a preliminary report, it seemed fairly lengthy and thorough. Kevin continued, "It's not good McBain. Buchanan Enterprises and the family itself cannot sit by and wait for the Feds to get a handle on who wanted Jared dead and why." Kevin signaled the waitress for another drink, and then returned his attention back to John. "We both know it could take years for the whole thing to be unraveled. In the mean time the company is left in an exposed position and whoever is responsible for this, maintains the advantage." Kevin stopped talking while the waitress set his fresh drink in front of him. As soon as she moved away, he resumed. "I realize you've already been looking into this and that your vested interest is Natalie and Justin. That's fine. But I would like to propose you take it one step further. Allow me to provide you with any and all of the Buchanan resources you may need to turn this into an adjunct investigation relevant to the official track that's currently underway." Kevin nervously swirled the amber liquor in his glass and John noted that his hands were shaking.

"Are you concerned that Jared was the first of what you suspect could end up being multiple Buchanan victims? Come clean with me Kevin; I don't really need your assets to get to the truth in this, but I do need your cooperation if I'm going to ferret it out more quickly."

Kevin had a hard time meeting John's steely blue gaze, "That's just it. I don't know, but I suspect so. That's why the need for all the cloak and dagger drama – the more covert your investigation is the better. No one will question why you've come back to town. Everyone knows you and Natalie are unfinished business. And since this so obviously began with Jared Banks, my sister and my nephew may be in danger. I don't know how much Natalie was involved with BE and what Jared may have confided in her over the last two years about the deals he had in the works. One thing is clear, Jared loved Nattie to distraction. She was his Achilles heel, and if he had enemies, that bit of information would not be lost on them. If killing Jared didn't yield what they wanted, the next logical move would be to go after Natalie."

John countered Kevin's rationale, "I was under the impression Natalie and Jared were on the verge of separation at the time he was killed. If that's the case, realistically, how much would he have continued to divulge to Nat exactly what he was up to at BE."

"That was not common knowledge John. Jared never moved out of the house, and he was always hopeful that Nattie would come around and the marriage could be salvaged. You know McBain, there was a period when they were first married that the two of them seemed to have it all. And despite their problems towards the end, for all outward appearances they managed to look as if they were still happily married. It wasn't going to be an acrimonious parting. Jared very much depended on Natalie to be his sounding board, and his partner in courting clients and sealing the deals. I don't think that had changed, even at the end."

"Except when it came to the Thai Vang Electronics deal with JR Chandler, is that what you mean?" John figured they may as well throw all the cards down on the table. This dancing around the facts with Kevin Buchanan wasn't getting him anywhere. "My sources tell me that neither you nor anyone else at BE were aware of the potential merger with Chandler Enterprises. So I'm reasonably convinced Natalie wasn't in the loop on this one, unless you _did_ know and sanction what Jared was in the process of putting together."

"Okay, I'll give you that one. Your sources are correct. I wasn't privy to the initial discussion on diversifying TVE through shifting the balance of power with its shareholders. However, that would not be the first time Jared moved forward with erecting the skeleton of a deal before he brought it to me for final approval. And more often than not, Natalie's fingerprints would be somewhere on the prospectus, you can be assured of that. But are you willing to risk the safety of Natalie and your son on the off chance that who ever murdered Jared and JR Chandler won't consider that Nattie could know anything of value, whatever the fuck that might be?"

"Take it easy, Buchanan. I'm not questioning the veracity of your theory here. I'm simply playing devil's advocate. It's important to look at this from every angle. Suppose I accept your offer - besides reviewing every scrap of evidence the Feds have and shadowing valid leads, what is it you want from me?"

"To strategically place yourself firmly between whoever did this to Jared, Natalie and my nephew and diagram out just what it is they want from BE. Look, the history between you and Jared is not pretty, but no matter what went down, you were not blameless McBain. Jared was my choice for a Chief Operating Officer – together with Natalie we were an unstoppable team. BE was never stronger, more solvent, and a power to be reckoned with on both the domestic and foreign exchange. I owe it to Jared to make sure the legacy of his life with his wife and the company remains unharmed and intact. Do you understand what I'm getting at here?"

John stared at Kevin Buchanan for long moments before he picked up his club soda and drained it in one long drink. He then reached for the manila envelope and slid out of the booth in preparation to leave. "We'll be in touch. For the time being, I agree with you. I don't want Natalie, or anyone else to know about the tentative arrangement we've struck. Oh, and just so we're absolutely clear – I don't give a fuck about Buchanan Enterprises so if it comes down to the company or Natalie and my son – you know where my loyalties lie."

Kevin visibly swallowed as he clutched his own unfinished drink, "I never thought it would be any other way."

To be continued……..


	7. Chapter 7

_Thanks as always!!! Your words of encouragement are helping me to keep this on track. Here we go...and this time it's all about John and Natalie..._

**Kindred Affair**

**Chapter 7**

The succeeding weeks after Jared's funeral saw an adjustment in both John and Natalie. It was the beginning of an emerging awareness between them - about healing and rediscovery, finding they both had changed over the last two years but the essence of who they were had not been altered in the process, and unexpectedly that their connection and friendship was indeed enduring. There was symmetry in the natural progression to where their time was becoming structured and their existences intertwined. And it was not lost on John or Natalie that each seemed to neither need or desire any one else in the circle of their lives. For Natalie, it meant that her world narrowed, so that her days were filled with BE and sorting through the administrative nightmare of transferring holdings once shepherded by Jared entirely over into her responsibility. Her nights were spent expending the last of her energy nurturing the bond with her son. In the process, Natalie became dependent on John and his invariable presence at the house on River Court. Though it went unsaid, John was at the center of why Nattie was able to spend the cherished few hours with Justin engaged in quality time.

John simply pitched in and parented. Every morning he made the trek out to the suburbs to have breakfast with Justin and Natalie. When Nattie left for BE, John left too; occasionally taking Justin with him, giving Sabrina the time she needed to help Natalie with the household chores, shopping, or other errands without a wild two year old under foot. If he and the boy didn't spend the morning together, John would return in the late afternoon to pass the hours before dinner playing with Justin. More often than not, once Nat got home, she would persuade him to stay and after the evening meal, the two of them would bathe and tuck Justin into bed for the night. The weekends had a slightly different flavor in that John pretty much showed up in the morning and stayed all day. They simply hung out, worked together to accomplish the last of the weekly tasks, and even once or twice fired up the backyard grill. Now and then, after dishes were washed and Justin finally slept, John and Natalie would share a little quiet time before he returned to Llanview. It had all the trappings of a bona fide family, and John was getting used to it, liking it….and so was Natalie.

One particular evening, Nattie made a meal consisting of all three of Justin's favorites; sloppy Joe's, tater tots, and green beans. John savored the time when Nat cooked dinner and the three of them just sat around the table talking incessantly, with him and Natalie laughing at the mess Justin made while he two fisted the food into his mouth. After dinner, John helped Natalie clean up and later he bathed their son while Natalie finished some necessary BE paperwork at the kitchen counter. Once Justin was in his PJs, father and son made their way downstairs and John started a fire to ward off the late spring chill. The family room took on a warm and cozy hue, and John grabbed a beer from the fridge before he threw himself on the sofa, stretching his long legs out and crossing his stocking feet at the ankles. Justin climbed up beside him with his favorite blankey, and laid his head on his father's chest.

Nat laughed as she watched her son sprawl out on his father, his thumb in his mouth and for the first time the entire evening, Justin was still and quiet. "He's going to be asleep in no time. You want me to take him upstairs so you can really relax?"

John shook his head, "Naw, just leave him. It feels good Nat."

Natalie nodded and she went back to try and focus on a contract spread out in front of her. The room was hushed, with just the occasional crack and hiss from the fire in the hearth. The sense of peace was unmistakable, and Natalie found her heart was suddenly and inexplicably overflowing with a sense of dread, though she could not for the life of her understand why she should feel such presentiment. She heaved a sigh and tried to shake it off. It was a very fine thing that John was definitely bonded with their son. Justin's crying jags had all but stopped and he was sleeping the whole night through in his own little bed. John had eased him past the worst of his insecurities and the child completely trusted that the big man he exclusively called 'Daddy' was a stable and steadfast part of his young life. Now instead of John's picture sitting in the silver frame on the shelf by his bed, there was Jared's. And that had been the whole point hadn't it, that Natalie would do whatever she had to do to make sure Justin would have a relationship with his father and never have to worry about losing him? So why did she feel so damn scared when she was getting everything and then some she had so wanted for her son? And why was the document before her swimming through the unexpected sheen of tears filling her eyes?

John was watching Natalie, so absorbed in what she was reading, her shoulders slumped like she had the burdens of the world along with the whole of BE weighing her down. He still wasn't sure her being entirely immersed in BE was such a good idea. But Natalie was stubborn to a fault, and certainly was not one to shy away from demanding and seriously hard work. John could distinctly see what Natalie needed was to learn to establish balance and how to fully decompress. The time she spent with Justin was precious little compared to just a few short weeks ago, so the last thing John wanted to see was Natalie maintaining her focal point on BE when she was at home and should be shifting her priorities to Justin...and him. "Why don't you come and sit down for a few minutes. You've been on the move since you got home from work. Grab a beer and let BE go for a little while."

"I'll be there in a sec, I just need to finish this codicil and put the rest of contract in order for tomorrow." She was afraid to look up, worried that she might humiliate herself and let loose with uncontrollable messy weeping that would rival Justin's best. So instead, Natalie completed her notation in the margin, and then busied herself with packing away her laptop, straightening file folders, and placing all of the items into her brief case. She couldn't imagine what was wrong with her besides the obvious. Natalie understood intellectually she was entitled to an unsettled or teary episode; but she had been handling it, coping with John's quietly persistent collaboration and support. Maybe John was right. Maybe she was just working too hard at striving to win the trifecta of skillfully performing at BE, struggling to push aside her loss and pick up the pieces of her life, and sustain her previous high standards where her relationship with Justin was concerned. What she needed was to recharge her dwindling reserves. So, tonight called for a powerful restorative, and Natalie decided to bring out the serious weaponry. After she got her work squared away, Nat went into the kitchen and opened the pantry. She rummaged around until she came out with what she was looking for cradled carefully in her arms. She went over to the oak sideboard in the nook and took out two large crystal tumblers and came into the family room.

John eyed her with frank curiosity as she set her treasures down on the chunky coffee table facing the two sofas in the family room. "What the hell?"

"Give me your beer," and Nat extended her hand.

"I don't know Natalie, that's asking a lot…"

"Come on, buck up and show some courage," impatiently she gestured for him to relinquish the half empty bottle. "I promise, a little sophistication and refinement won't contaminate you. You might just like it."

John handed her the bottle, and Nattie sat down on the table opposite John and their sleeping son. She rummaged around in the golden and delicately hand painted tin until she came up with two different truffles and set them beside her. She proceeded to fill each of the tumblers with three fingers of deep amber colored spirits. Natalie handed one of the truffles to John and picked up her own.

"Go on, they're imported – real Swiss and bittersweet. Just take a bite and then savor it with some of Nash's best brandy. His cellar is really very well rounded and unbelievably civilized now."

John had all but forgotten that Nash owned a small but critically acclaimed boutique winery not far from where Nattie lived, in the bluffs just above the Llantano river flood plain where his vines apparently flourished in the rich silty soils. He took a bite of the truffle and was surprised to find it filled with a creamy and rich coffee liqueur center. It was sweet, but balanced with the pungent dark chocolate and when he took a sip of the brandy the tastes exploded in robust nutty layers in his mouth. When he glanced over at Natalie, he could only smile. John had seen that look on Natalie's face before, but at the time, he had been the one to put it there.

When Natalie set her glass down, she was caught off guard and a bit bewildered by his intent expression, "What?"

John just shrugged and threw the rest of the truffle in his mouth, captivated by the way Natalie was delicately licking the remnants of the melted chocolate off of her own fingers. The low light from the fire was turning her hair a deep golden copper and her complexion was rosy from the glow of the alcohol. Natalie hadn't changed out of her work clothes yet, but she was barefooted as usual and he noticed the polish on her toes was a deep plum and it matched her silk shirt. He loved that scrap of vanity about Nattie, no matter what she always had time for a pedicure.

"You were right," and he rolled the last of his brandy on his tongue. "Great stuff." And he wasn't just talking about the confections.

Natalie took his and her own empty glass, filling them both with a like measure of brandy once again. Handing John's back to him, she then plopped herself onto the adjacent love seat. "Ohhh, I feel so much better, it's amazing what killer chocolate and some great wine can do. Did you ever make it to the Sonoma Valley when you were living in California? I always wanted to go there and just wine taste my way from one end of Sonoma County to the other." She pulled her blouse out of the waist band of her skirt, and then reached up to take the clip out of her hair, releasing the deep red locks to frame her perfectly oval face. Nat ran all ten fingers through her hair and massaged her temples before she picked up her glass and took a small sip.

John shifted Justin slightly to a more comfortable position and curled his arm around his son. "Yeah, I've been there, but not for wine tasting. I was working a case, getting pictures of a movie producer cheating on his wife with his latest no talent but very talented starlet. And I use that term loosely."

Natalie laughed. "That figures."

"So why didn't you just have Jared take you?"

"You've got the reason why. It's a little difficult to travel with a baby, and I'm just not the kind of mother who can leave her child for very long. I don't know John. That's one part about having Justin I never counted on. When he was really little, I was afraid I'd miss him terribly and I'd just be miserable or that he would be completely distressed without me. Every new mom goes through separation anxiety I know - I just refused to deal with it."

"So you didn't travel with Jared much, not even on BE business?" John was genuinely interested. He was starting to wonder just how much Natalie really knew about what Jared was actually doing with BE. There seemed to be somewhat of a disconnect, and he hadn't seen her go into Jared's office once in all the time he'd been spending with her. Of course John would like to get in there and rummage through the files himself, but Natalie didn't quite trust him enough yet to leave him alone in her house. So for the time being, he wasn't about to risk her wrath by getting caught snooping when Sabrina was obviously supposed to be baby-sitting both him and Justin.

"I went with him on a couple of very short turn around excursions…one in Chicago and a few others when we needed to entertain clients in New York. But never for more than a couple of days. We always assumed we would have time." Nat grew pensive for a moment before she took a taste of the brandy and continued. "Jared on the other hand was the go to ambassador for all things BE. In the last six months before he was killed, Kevin sent him to Hong Kong once and Japan twice. Something about a shipping nightmare that needed to be smoothed over to ease the flow of BE's exports out of the Pacific rim. It would have been nice if I could have traveled with him. I mean now that Justin is a little older I might have actually been able to pull it off with my mom's help along with Sabrina. Except on those trips, Jared could be gone for two or three weeks at a time. I'm afraid Justin is still a bit too little for me to even consider being away for that extended period, so I stayed home."

John was taken aback. He'd had no idea Natalie and Jared spent so much time apart. No wonder Jared hadn't moved out, with the time he'd been out of the country it was evident his presence in the house on River Court had been fairly limited. And John had the strong impression that those trips and the shipping difficulties could very well be related somehow to Thai Vang Electronics. But where it fit into the larger picture of Jared's death, remained to be seen.

The alcohol was permeating Natalie's defenses and she realized the conversation was way too much about her and Jared. So she deliberately changed the direction before her increasingly mellow mood led her to foolishly divulge too much. "What about you, John? Did you like California? The weather is wonderful, but I always thought L.A. was a little too crowded and sort of sprawls out everywhere. Doesn't seem to have much character."

It wasn't lost on John what Nattie was up to, and he would let her have her diversion...for now. "L.A. has plenty of character, just not the kind you might think. Business was always good and I got used to the traffic, the noise, and the eccentricities of the natives. Living on the beach did have its advantages though, even if it meant putting up with the tourists. But the truth is it was just a place Natalie, not home."

Natalie didn't quite know how to respond to that, so she simply just said, "Oh," and for a while there was a pregnant pause punctuated by the soft snores of their son. Natalie, hated to admit it, but if she thought she could get away with asking John where home was, and most especially if there was someone whom he associated home with, she would. But damn it all to hell, she couldn't….not without leaving the door open for him to ask a few extra pointed questions of his own. And there it was - the dreaded tit for tat reality rearing its very ugly and unwelcome head. So Natalie just sat staring into the fire while she hoped John would let this one slide.

When Nat finally worked up enough nerve to look John's direction, he was gazing at her with an amused and watchful expression. Her heart turned over in her chest. He was so handsome, and sometimes it still seemed surreal that he was here, in Llanview and a part of their son's life…and hers. But the situation was precarious; nothing about John was benign and he always had a reason behind everything he said and did. Natalie had seen that look before, and it made her wary.

"What, no questions?' he baited, "No, 'were you seeing someone important John, or were you seeing women as in more than one, or were you pathetically unattached and lonely.' You're not the least bit interested?"

To her chagrin, Natalie felt her cheeks go up in flames. How did he do that? Read her so freaking well when she was so certain she was an expert at concealing her deepest thoughts? "I have no intention of asking you anything about what you did in L.A. or anywhere else if it's personal. It isn't really my business, now is it? We're exes who happen to share a child….that's it. I was actually thinking we're managing this quite competently, like two adults; which could arguable be construed as rare behavior for us, and I definitely don't intend to screw it up by sticking my nose into parts of your private life where it doesn't belong," She smiled and hoped John would interpret it as sincerity.

"What a little liar you are."

"Excuse me?"

John laughed, and Justin stirred, disturbed by the deep rumbling of his father's chest against his ear. John absently patted his back. "You heard me. You do want to know, but not enough to leave yourself vulnerable to any reciprocal inquiries on my part. Sort of reminiscent of what friends do when they are sharing and catching up on what's been going on each other's lives. I think that's called having a meaningful conversation…do I have that right, Nattie?"

Natalie's eyes narrowed. If John wanted to play, then they would play. But by God, he was not going to box her into a corner over this one. "Sure, I know what that's all about. However, you on the other hand if memory serves me correctly, and I believe it does, wouldn't know sharing if it bit you in the ass McBain. As a matter of fact, while we are discussing the social graces, may I remind you that it is also good form to be perceptive enough to grasp when it is appropriate to keep one's mouth shut as well. Besides, I already know the answers to those hypothetical questions….why would I need to ask?" Nat raised her glass and took a deep drink of the brandy eyeing him over the top with self-assured defiance.

"Well that's interesting. Care to enlighten me? This I have to hear."

"Come now. Have you lost your powers of deductive reasoning? Very simple. I dated you and lived with you off and on for almost four years. We share a small child, meaning at some point in recent history we were together yet again, despite the fact that we were clearly exes. No self-respecting woman who was seriously involved with you - or any other man worth having for that matter - would let that man go across the country to comfort his ex after the death of her husband. Not if she wanted to hang on to him. Especially you. If our maybe not so hypothetical significant other knew you at all, she'd know that you can't resist a damsel in distress. And since our contact over the last two years has been consistently erratic to say the least, she wouldn't be able to get a bead on my state of mind….very dangerous to let your man walk into that kind of a situation alone." Nattie stopped for effect and then began to tick off her final points. "So, since you arrived with no one in tow, and you've been here for almost three weeks, it stands to reason that a) there is no significant other or b) if there was one, the worth of the relationship is a figment of her imagination - which means there is still no significant other, just a woman of convenience."

The corners of John's mouth lifted slightly. Goddamn but Nattie was razor-sharp. It's was one of the things he admired about her and what conversely pissed him off the most. But either way, he had to admit she was one hell of a worthy sparring partner. "What if you're wrong," he countered. "What if there is someone, but I have evolved enough over the last two years that I could actually be inclined to some sensitivity, both toward my ex and my significant other. What rational man would allow the two to meet under such trying circumstances? He'd wait a little while, ease into it before he brought the girlfriend out in the open."

Natalie scoffed and waved her hand dismissively. "No man has that kind of control over an existent relationship or an insecure woman McBain….not even you. She might stay under wraps for a week or so; but after that, she'd be on a plane to Philly under the pretense that her man would need emotional support to see him through the untidy business of dealing with a distraught ex-mess who has his toddler baggage to boot."

Shit, she definitely had him there. "Okay, let's presume you have figured out what I did not have in L.A….what about the rest?" John took a long swallow of his brandy. He was intrigued to discover just what kind of a spin she was going to put on it.

"That's easy. It's a 50/50 split…tall, dark, and dismal is arresting temptation to the fairer sex every single time. If you were channeling the solitary outsider, it's because you wanted to be." Natalie inclined her glass to John in triumph. "So, am I right? Or am I right…"

John clamped down on his pleasure. What a piece of work she was, with her clothes in disarray, her hair tousled and her eyes bright with the warmth of the brandy and the smell of inferential victory nearly within her reach. "I don't want to talk about it. And by the way, you are prying - and in a not so indirect way."

Then there it was, the heart stopping genuine lit up from within smile John never seemed to be able to get enough of, and Natalie laughed with delight. "Of course you don't...it's personal. What was I thinking?"

"That maybe I really had evolved, but you should know better." John slowly drank the last of his brandy. God it was good to realize he still had the capability, that Natalie would never be immune to his slightly damaged charm and he really did understand precisely what she needed and when. And he would give it to her, freely. As John set his empty glass on the coffee table, their eyes locked and the electricity between them spiked a wide arc, linking them. It was enough for tonight.

John sat up and lifted Justin into his arms so that his head was cradled on John's shoulder. "It's getting late. I'll go tuck Justin in and then I'd probably better get going."

Natalie watched John carry their son down the hall and upstairs to his bed. As she picked up the family room and placed their dirty glasses in the dishwasher, Natalie wasn't sure just what had exactly happened, but somehow John had come away the winner. While her logical self reasoned she had been manipulated, Nattie simply couldn't bring herself to care. Not when the ride had been such a pleasant diversion from her earlier disquiet. And to Nattie's way of thinking, it was just enough and she would let him have that for now.

When she heard John putting on his shoes in the entry, Natalie went to say good-night.

"I'll see you in the morning." In the dim light of the entry, John noted her expression was serene and she was her usual open and ingenuous self. This was his Nattie.

"Night, John."

Oh, yeah. John knew he shouldn't but she was just so goddamn beautiful and nothing was as it seemed but was exactly the same so that he didn't know who they were to each other anymore, and it sure as hell wasn't just friends. Nobody could get under his skin and into his head like Natalie, and he was confident it was ever the way of it for her with him too. They could skirt the constancy of what they both wanted, desired, but it wouldn't make it any less so. It was the herd of elephants in the room, and John could feel the stampede approaching with every beat of his heart.

With no prelude, John drew Natalie into a long embrace, his body infusing her with warmth and security. Natalie should have stopped him, but instead she shamelessly allowed herself to be held closely by a man who had known her as a woman as she breathed deeply and greedily of his scent. There was no help for it, and she knew this was a very treacherous path, but it had been so long. When John finally released her, his hand came up to smooth her hair away from her cheek, and Natalie was acutely aware of his maleness and of how alive they both were. She couldn't look at him. For a moment John leaned the smallest degree toward her, and then he simply dropped his hand from her face to encircle her delicate wrist. He pulled her back into his space, close enough that he could feel her shallow breath, almost taste the perfume of the wine in her mouth. Natalie's hand came up between them and unconsciously pressed against his chest with just the barest pressure. It was enough, and it brought John back to his senses. He backed away from her again and turned and walked out the door; leaving her standing in the entry in confusion, summarily self-conscious that she may have for a brief second allowed her emotions to play out transparently across her face.

When Natalie finally went to bed, she tossed for what seemed like hours, agonizing over her progressively more vulnerable position but not sure if it could ever be resolved short of not seeing John at all. Practically, she didn't know how that could be accomplished. Short of barring him from the house when she was home, it wasn't feasible. And if she did put restrictions on when John could or could not see Justin, the tenuous control she was managing to retain over the situation would be lost for sure. John would not abide by it, of that she was unequivocally certain. One thing about John McBain, if he thought Nattie was hiding something and couldn't be trusted, he was not above bullying her until he got to the bottom of the situation and without exception finally got his way. But after tonight she would be an idiot if she didn't attempt to limit the time they spent alone together.

As was becoming more common, Nattie finally fell into a troubled sleep. Just beyond the edge of her consciousness, there was something…she strained to grasp what she intuitively knew was of the utmost importance from just outside her reach. She was sweating with the exertion, extending her body through the shadows, her arms flailing wildly to try and touch anything tangible. For a split second Natalie became aware of a strong sense of vertigo, and without forewarning was awash in horror as she lost her balance and began to tumble off the edge of the world. Her mouth opened, but she found she could not scream. And then she heard him as his two strong arms came around her waist and pulled her back from the brink, "I've got you, Natalie…I've always got you." And she was crying hysterically, turning to clutch his shirt grateful for the feel of his long lean body sheltering her from an outcome it was unmistakable she would never have survived. He bent down to brush her mouth softly with his, and she could feel Jared exhale against her lips before he leisurely slanted his mouth firmly across hers as he commandingly deepened the kiss. She could taste him, God so sweet….so elementally familiar yet so incongruent….and with a mind of its own Natalie's body reacted, the blood in her veins hot, viscously molten as his arms tightened and he sucked her tongue languidly into his mouth. The quickening of desire pooled low in her belly and Natalie shivered in anticipation. When he released her she moaned in protest. Her lashes fluttered open, and she was complacent to see he was staring at her with sky blue eyes and a burning intensity that scorched Nattie's soul, branding her as his for eternity – her John McBain.

Natalie sat bolt upright, coming awake with a violent start. Her heart was pounding so hard she thought she might be sick, and she threw back the covers as her feet hit the floor at a dead run toward her bathroom where she bent over the sink. She sucked in great gulps of air through her mouth fighting the nausea and terror. Her t-shirt was soaked with a cold sweat, and as Natalie quickly discarded it, she was aware that only disjointed flashes of her nightmare remained in jagged shards poking her conscience painfully. She turned on the water in the basin and ran a washcloth under the faucet, barely ringing it out before she washed her face and laid it across the back of her neck. It took her several minutes before she was convinced the worst of the panic had passed. And it took several minutes more before she was able to move into her room to get a clean t-shirt out of her bureau and climb back into bed. Nattie had no idea how much time had passed.

She was alone in the dark early morning hours, with sleep eluding her, as she struggled with the reason she'd gotten to the place where the ache of letting go of what she very nearly had with Jared was blunted, no longer bleeding and raw. Her grieving had begun months ago, and his death had simply prepared her to concede to the absolute veracity of what she had already known, it was finished. Natalie sobbed into her pillow angry she had been the one, her and not Jared, who had hidden away her heart and broken the promise. Because in the deepest black when she was really on her own, Natalie's innermost shame boiled up to the surface and a cold band of anxiety constricted her soul….that no matter how she had tried to obscure it, somehow Jared had known….

For Natalie it was a bitter pill to swallow in accepting she could not change the past. She sincerely wanted to respect the love Jared had given her but was in increasing distress at finding herself falling readily into the intensifying pull John was exerting over her. The dichotomy of it was unraveling her already frayed nerves and with the dawn came her life, filled with both Justin...and John. It was almost more than she could bear.

To be continued………


	8. Chapter 8

_Thanks for all of your kind feedback - you really have no idea how much it means to me. This one is kind of long...but as usual, nothing between John and Natalie is ever easy...even as everything changes._

**Chapter 8**

Natalie was basically dejected and it showed. She could barely look at herself in the vanity mirror as she got ready for work. There were lines of nervous tension etched into her face, and for the first time in a long time, Natalie had to use foundation to try and cover the tell tale signs of her torturous and sleepless night. Everything was up-ended; not the least of which were her own conflicted feelings. She needed him, and Natalie could more or less admit it without suffering too much when she considered it from the perspective of John's relationship with Justin. That was acceptable, reasonable, natural.

It was the other part, the degree and the complexity of her need and the extreme anxiety over something unattainable which was killing her. John McBain was like a chronic disease and Nattie was determined she would not succumb. And this morning, she decided the most appropriate path to regain her self-possession was fairly straightforward. Natalie needed to sidestep getting twisted up with one six foot hunk of man she plainly had limited resistance to. God help her, but as Natalie ran her brush through her hair one last time; the hollow look in her eyes staring back at her from the vanity mirror was stark testament to how quickly the whole thing could go to hell, and had the very real potential to threaten both her and Justin's well being. She could not, would not go back to who she used to be…not after she had given up _everything_ to be who she was for the sake of her son.

When John arrived a few minutes later for his customary kid and she's definitely-more-than-a-friend fix, he immediately sensed the subtle shift in Natalie. She was sitting at the table with Justin, a cup of coffee warming her hands, but at his good-humored greeting, she barely acknowledged his arrival. It was the first red flag. Just the fact John was pleasant, virtually communicative, should've elicited some sassy response, at the very least gotten her questioning him to see if he was on the brink of insanity. But there was hardly a blip on the radar, and John quickly realized Natalie was intentionally avoiding anything which remotely smelled of meaningful contact. She was conspicuously uncomfortable, jumpy, and not happy to see him.

Justin on the other hand, grinned with a mouth full of oatmeal, "Hi Daddy!"

"Hey, big guy. How are you this morning?" John leaned over and kissed his son on top of his head as he eyed Natalie askance.

"Good Daddy. Look, raisins," and Justin proceeded to fish out a single piece of the wrinkled fruit from his cereal to show John. "Here, you have it."

John opened his mouth and took the proffered bite from his son. "Mmmm, pretty good. Why don't you finish and then I'll wash you up and you can get down."

Justin nodded happily and proceeded to squish a bite into his fist before he stuck it in his mouth.

John went and got a mug down from the cabinet and proceeded to fill it with strong black coffee. When he came back to sit at the table Natalie was spooning the thick cereal into Justin's mouth. "Everything okay this morning?"

"Sure and why wouldn't it be?" But Natalie didn't look at him, and just kept on feeding Justin his oatmeal, though the boy was perfectly capable of eating by himself.

John reached across the table and grabbed the front page of the Banner. He took a sip of coffee and scrutinized her ashen face and strained expression.

"Hmmm, no particular reason, you just seem a bit ….preoccupied."

"Big day at BE. I'm just running through what I need to do to stay on top of the details so everything will go smoothly. That's all. Nothing I can't handle." Natalie continued to busy herself with Justin.

"Well, glad to hear it." And John shook out the newspaper section, folding the front page back as he scanned the headlines looking up intermittently to continue his assessment of Natalie.

He knew she wasn't sleeping well, but this morning the tell tale dark circles under her deep blue eyes and the dampening of her usually resilient personality were clear indicators something was seriously wrong, even if Nat refused to talk about it. John had a pretty good idea what the origin of her distress was really all about. The trouble was John had never known her not to brazen out every predicament she'd ever gotten herself into, including being involved with him. Natalie was impulsive, if she felt it or thought it, she either talked about it or did it; a high energy risk taker who was fearless until it was all over. But not this morning…that alone was cause enough for John to be concerned.

The Nattie he knew loved to conversate, share feelings, and drove him fucking crazy with how she relentlessly dragged him right along. Process, process, process – that was her motto. Case in point, last night and her little exercise in verbal athletics to extract what she really wanted to know from him and to dodge what he really wanted out of her. Now that was his Natalie and she was always up for an emotional or intellectual scuffle. This new, circumspect Nattie was a problem and John was not about to let his open and vibrant red-headed spit fire slip away from him, not now. Too much was at stake and he needed her to be whole or they would never manage to make it through what was up ahead.

Shit, he should have gone slower. But the biggest obstacle to a more reserved pace in reaching the inescapable threshold between them was simply Natalie…and him. The truth was they never did anything unless it was zero to sixty in fewer than 3 seconds, whether it was fighting or flirting or getting straight to sex. It was volatile, exciting, and the existing baseline condition of their relationship and John liked it that way and he _knew_ Natalie liked it that way too. Yeah, he knew it. He'd seen it last night in Natalie's eyes, the flush of her cheeks, the way she had naturally swayed almost imperceptibly into him as he had leaned toward her body, the shallow breathiness of her expectation teasing him as he angled in to do what he so wanted to do, should have done, but for some goddamn reason didn't do….Fuck, he needed to just simply reach over now and be done with it, pull her onto his lap and settle his mouth on hers; reacquaint her with who they had been, and who they still were. Slide his tongue into her warmth and feed the essence of their passion while he crushed her against his chest until the tsunami of angst rolling off of her in waves subsided. And he would have done it too, if it weren't for the cute two-year old with his fingers in his cereal bowl sitting in the booster chair between them.

John had no use for propriety; they had already wasted enough time on stupid ass incidentals like whether Natalie was actually mourning the loss of her husband or just in the final stages of anguish over the inevitable death of her marriage. As far as he was concerned, it was a fait accompli; the two of them would move on to the next stage and rapidly, the consequences be damned. What he didn't know was how a change of this magnitude would impact Justin's very vulnerable spirit. Instinctively, John was fairly certain Justin would experience no confusion or long term trauma by seeing his mother and father in a connection beyond that of parents, despite Jared having been a major influence in his life up until recently. The wild card was Nattie. And judging from the brittle state her emotions were in, it was a good bet he was going to have to drag her kicking and screaming to accept the facts of it. That was where things could get messy, because Nattie was nothing if not consistent in her reaction when she was pushed, and it was never pretty. Because there was Justin, it was what gave him cause to hesitate. John was worried the child may perceive his father hurting his mother when in reality he was trying to save her…. and himself by pursuing this precise course of action.

So because it couldn't hurt to get outside reinforcements, as soon as Sabrina arrived and Nattie left for work, John called Michael.

"You have to get her away from BE," Michael said. "It's too much, too soon. I tried to warn you bro. And considering there's no resolution yet on who or what actually caused Jared's death, it's not unusual the stressors are compounded."

John swore beneath his breath, "I understand about her being overwhelmed Mikey. But Natalie will never step away from BE. Not for any extended time period anyway. And I'm not so sure that's the best thing for her either. At least at BE she does have Kevin, her father and Nora. I don't know Mike…maybe the problem is outside of work, she's just cut herself off and connected only to me and Justin," he admitted. "I think it's been easier, and she hasn't had to deal with any of the other parts of her life."

"Well, then you could start with a long weekend, four days or so and get her out and about. When was the last time she spoke to Mrs. Davidson and Jared's dad? Even Marcie is getting concerned because Nat hasn't been by to visit the baby in awhile and the two of them haven't gone this long without seeing each other in I don't know how long."

"We could remedy that….When does your shift start? Hell, what am I thinking, I don't really need you, only Marcie and Gabby."

Michael laughed, "Nice try. But we travel as a unit. And lucky for you I'm off today. I'll keep you occupied while we let Marcie work her magic on Natalie." Then the tone of Michael's voice changed to reflect his own growing concern for his brother. "Look John, you can't handle this alone….not this time. If Natalie can't reach out, it's your responsibility to do it for her. You owe it to her and Justin, especially because it appears you are the only support system she wants in place right now."

"It's why I called Mikey. She's not herself and I won't lose her, not to this."

By the time Sabrina finished cleaning up the breakfast dishes, John had Justin ready to go.

"And where are you heading today?" Sabrina was delighted at how quickly John had shown an innate ability for being a good father. And she included special thanks to the Blessed Mother in her rosary every day she had sent her Miss Natalie one John McBain.

"We are going to surprise Natalie and take her to lunch." John tucked his little son's hand in his. "Michael, Marcie, and the baby are going to meet us at Carlotta's diner, and if I'm very lucky I'll be able to convince Natalie to take the afternoon off for some much needed time with someone other than me and Justin."

Sabrina's eyes twinkled with agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea. And after lunch, you should go to the park, maybe go into the petting zoo! What do you think Justin? It's been a very long time since Mommy took you to the zoo."

Justin jumped up and down, swinging John's hand as he pleaded, "Zoo Daddy! Can we? Can we? Pwease."

John rolled his eyes and wagged a finger at Sabrina, "You had to do it didn't you. Sabrina, what the hell am I going to do at the zoo?"

Sabrina laughed and shooed them down the entrance hall. "It'll be good for all of you. The idea is to enjoy the sunshine, eat junk food, and just wander around watching the animals. It's called rest and relaxation. Have a good time," and Sabrina blew kisses to Justin before she shut the front door. John strapped Justin into the child safety seat he'd had custom installed into the old GTO so he knew his son was properly restrained. He then handed him a plastic bowl of cheerios and his favorite truck to keep him busy on the trip into town.

As soon as John was cruising down the highway headed for the Llanview skyline and business district, John decided he probably should bring Kevin up to speed. When he hadn't been indulging in his need for spending time with Justin and Natalie, John had been holed up in his apartment pouring over all the data compiled from the various agencies in the preliminary forensics report. He'd completed his first meticulous review, and there was no doubt, based on the initial evidence gathered to date, Jared had been murdered and taken what appeared to be one untrustworthy bystander and five other innocent souls down with him. It was time Kevin understood exactly what John would do to bring Nattie and Justin away from the deep hole Jared had practically dragged them into. He called Kevin on his private line to discuss his findings and the stipulations of his further service on the case.

"Kevin Buchanan."

"It's McBain. Is this a good time to talk?"

"Actually it is. I've been waiting to hear from you. I'm assuming you've come to a conclusion?"

John signaled and pulled into the passing lane. "You already know what it is, Jared was murdered. Whoever did this was serious in terms of no necessity for follow through. They were all dead before they hit the water….I'll spare you the grisly details, but Jared received the brunt of it."

"Jesus Christ," Kevin was clearly shaken. "What the hell was Jared up to? Goddamn, McBain – what do we do now? And how much time do you realistically think we have before things could reach a critical state for both BE and my family?"

"I can't answer that, but my gut says time is of the essence. So here's how this has to happen if you want my continued involvement. We either do this my way Buchanan or I walk, and I'll take Natalie and Justin with me. I will not compromise their safety, and the only way I can be sure of it is if I have total control over the course of this investigation. There's no room for negotiation."

"Just get me the names of who did this McBain. Without that you can't guarantee shit and I can't keep BE intact through all the potential fallout. So unless I'm missing something here, why would I hinder your efforts in any way?"

"If you're smart you won't," John coolly warned. "But if things get dicey or you think I'm close to sacrificing BE for what I deem as the objective, namely the protection of Nattie and my son, think again. Because if I so much as catch a whiff of an attempt by you to impair my efforts in some misguided effort to save the company, let me assure you, I'll take down more than BE. "

Kevin became instantly defensive, "What kind of a man do you think I am? That I would forfeit my sister, my nephew, my wife, my own son, or any other member of my family for BE? Fuck you McBain, you're not the only one with everything to lose here."

"It would be so much easier if you were that kind of man Buchanan. That I could understand…my concern is as we go deeper into this there may come a point where you can't see diminishing returns. There can be no concession; you do not make the judgment calls in this, you do not press forward movement even if you are certain if you do, you can have it all, your family and BE. I determine when and if we need to regroup or cut and run. Those are the provisions or I do this alone."

Kevin heaved a sigh, "Fine. Then what do you want me to do? Just sit on my ass while you play the solitary hero and throw me a few bones of intelligence when it suits you?"

"Not exactly. There is benefit to both of us in this unholy alliance or we wouldn't be having this conversation. The preliminary report is already in my possession and I don't really need you to advance the investigation. However, I think we can get there faster if we pool our resources…you just may not necessarily be privy to what mine are. So, for the time being, I need you to continue using your contacts to get the finalized sections of the forensics report. Once I've got those, I'll check for discrepancies and start to follow up on some leads which seem to be surfacing. I'm assuming as of now you haven't received any overt threats or detected anything suspicious happening with TVE, or any of the other BE holdings?"

"No, nothing. And for now, I would expect the bastards to keep a low profile since the FBI is still crawling all over BE."

"Good. Otherwise, we stay on track. No one is to know what we're doing. I don't want the Feds to try and shut us down and we certainly don't want to tip off our adversary we've got the same intel as the official investigation. That said, there are two final details we need to discuss."

"What's that McBain?"

"First, where is Jared's passport?"

"Christ, how should I know? But, I'm almost certain he kept it in the small safe in his home office. You know, just in case he needed to leave on an impromptu business trip…he wouldn't have to stop at BE on his way to the airport."

"So the FBI didn't seize it when they went through his office?" John prodded.

"No, I don't think so. There wasn't any reference to it when I was questioned either. Why, what do you want it for?" Kevin was clearly intrigued.

"I haven't seen it yet so I'm not sure, but if it's relevant, I'll let you know when I find it. Now, here's the second thing. I'm on my way into Llanview to pick up Natalie. She's going to be taking a couple of days off. I would expect you'll encourage her to do this and to leave quietly with me when she puts up her usual inflexible red-headed resistance. She needs this time off Kevin, she's exhausted and she can't go on much longer this way."

There was a pause on the other end of the line as Kevin digested the obvious tenderness John held for his sister. He wasn't sure what he thought about it but he was certain it was going to complicate the investigation. "Sure, whatever she needs John...just keep me posted. And I'll do the same."

"We'll be in touch in a day or two."

John hung up and looked in the rearview mirror to see his son happily chowing down on his snack and looking out the window. They were exiting the highway and coasting down the off ramp when John saw the BE Tower dominating the skyline to the south.

"We're almost there buddy. You've been a very good boy. So just hang on and then we're going to go and get Mommy."

Justin grinned and John smiled back at him and then proceeded to pull into the BE parking garage directly across from the Tower. The parking security recognized John and passed him through so he could wind the GTO up to the Buchanan's restricted deck. He parked in the stall next to Natalie's sporty little SUV and he and Justin took the security elevator to the 3rd floor. Once there, John walked across the glass enclosed catwalk into the BE Tower.

Natalie's assistant spotted Justin trotting along and taking three steps for each one of the long legged strides of the man walking next to him. As they got closer, she realized immediately who the dark haired man was and started dialing her boss before John reached the desk.

John took his sunglasses off and tucked them into his shirt pocket. "I'm here to see Mrs. Banks. Is she available?"

"She's on her way. Hi Justin!" She wiggled her fingers at the boy while she surreptitiously eyed the man standing next to him. The rest of the support staff were never going to believe it when she told them who had showed up unannounced with Mrs. Banks' son in tow.

"John! Is everything all right?" Nattie came hurrying out of her office door toward them.

"Yeah, we're fine. We just decided we wanted to take you to lunch. Right buddy?" Justin bobbed his head in unison.

Nat knelt to scoop her son into her arms for a hug and a kiss. "Why don't you guys come on back to my office? Patty, could you please hold all my calls? Thanks."

John trailed her and once they were in her office with the door closed she turned to John with censure in her tone, "You should've called John. I really can't get away. I've got two back to back meetings and paperwork to review before each one. I don't have enough time to leave the office to get something to eat."

"Yeah you do Nat. You need to eat and we are going to walk to Angel's Square and have lunch at Carlotta's diner. Then after we eat, I have it from an expert your son wants to do a turn around the petting zoo. So, call Kevin and have him cover for you and let's get going." John's hands were on his hips and his voice was laced with his best cop 'don't give me any shit' authority.

Natalie set her jaw, "Presuming I could get away for lunch, I have a 1:30 meeting with the Financial Officer for one of the Panama holdings. That's just cutting it a bit too tight for something this important to BE, I'd rather not risk it. I have a better idea. Why don't the two of you go, and maybe we can meet for a late dinner and then I'll take Justin home with me?"

John groaned inwardly. He just hated having to tangle with Nattie when she really wasn't up for it. And it wasn't going to work, he knew she was trying to avoid him. "Nope, call Kevin. Or I will. You are out of here for the rest of the day. You've had enough Natalie. You're exhausted and it's obvious your nerves are shot. You can't hide it. The FO will smell it from a mile away….let Kevin take this one, before you jeopardize your reputation and your health."

She couldn't bring herself to glance at his face. In that instant Natalie thought she might actually hate John for seeing right through her pretense. Why couldn't he just leave her alone, for just this one day of all days? To her mortification, tears sprang unbidden into her eyes and threatened to spill over.

"Goddamn it Nattie, you see! This is what I'm talking about." Then he just closed the distance between them and she was in his arms and berating him through her tears.

"McBain, watch what you say around Justin!"

Good, there was still a flicker of her intrepid spunk. He gently set her away from him and cupped her chin so she had no choice but to meet his cool blue gaze. For a moment he was shaken by the pain he saw there. Quietly he simply ordered, "You are going to call Kevin now."

Slowly she nodded her acceptance, "Fine, but I'm not doing it because you tell me I should. Got it? I'll admit, today maybe I am going through a bit of a rough patch."

John raised one eyebrow in disbelief. He really hadn't expected her to be this candid let alone reasonable. "Sure Nat, just call Kevin and let's get out of here."

As Natalie went behind her desk to discuss the upcoming meeting with Kevin and have her assistant reschedule the rest of her day, John watched her with no small measure of disquiet. No matter how difficult things got, it was his job to keep chipping away at her resistance and the weight of her denial. Once this was accomplished, the rest would flow unaffectedly. It always did.

Within minutes they were out on the street, John easily carrying Justin so their progress to the diner would be unimpeded by his two year old ability to become side tracked. Natalie had her sunglasses on and John could not read the expression in her eyes. He thought about warning her at some point they were going to have to talk about this, the significant alteration in their relationship, but he thought better of it. It would be enough if he could just get him and Natalie through the day without any major conflict.

When they got to the diner, Natalie immediately spotted Marcie and Michael through the front window waiting for them at a table. John was surprised to hear her actually squeal and Marcie jumped up from the booth where she was sitting to run outside and hug Natalie in greeting. The two were laughing and talking simultaneously.

"Marcie! Oh, it's so good to see you! How's the baby? I can't wait to get my hands on her."

"I know! Can you believe it? John and Michael decided we should get together. Gabby is so great Nat. Oh my God, wait till you hear her coo it's too cute! I can hardly stand it! Look at you Justin! I swear you grew three inches in the last two weeks! You're getting so big." Marcie grabbed Justin out of John's arms and hugged him to her happily.

Natalie was already on her way into the diner. John could do nothing more than trail after the two redheads and he laughed out loud when he saw the helpless look on Michael's face as the girls and kids took over the table. The brothers embraced.

"So, this is the way of it from now on. We'd better not have any more rugrats John. As it is, we'll be lucky if either of them notice we're alive this afternoon."

John watched Natalie scoop Gabrielle lovingly out of the baby carrier and hold her close. Her smile was wide as she gently cradled and rocked the baby in her arms. "I don't know Mikey, I'm liking this dad stuff and I wouldn't mind another one. Not right now, but definitely I won't rule it out for the future."

Mike followed John's line of sight. "Jesus, you're a goner John. No wonder Nattie is a mess. What the hell has been going on between the two of you?"

John didn't answer and simply shot his brother a withering look.

"Okay, I get it. No surprise you don't want to talk about it. But I'll bet you a beer at Rodi's Natalie doesn't suspect you're aware of almost everything about her marriage to Jared. You better be careful bro, you think you know her, but she has changed."

"Some. But underneath is the pure essence of Natalie."

Michael groaned, "I don't know if I can take it. You're fucking sentimental!"

"Yeah, I guess I am," John allowed, "but just take a look at her and Justin. They've managed to change my life when I didn't think it was possible; and it's so ironic, we're a functioning family. Nattie just hasn't quite figured it out yet."

"Oh I think she has bro, therein lies the problem." Michael had only seen John this resolute once before, and that had to do with Natalie as well. It seemed like kismet for these two, and Michael had to admit despite all the water that had gone under the bridge, John was as crazy about Natalie as ever.

There was absolute pandemonium at the table as Carlotta was playing with Justin and fussing over Gabrielle while Natalie and Marcie continued to talk nonstop. When John and Michael finally joined them and sat down Natalie informed them they were ordering lunch to go.

"Marcie and I have decided since it's such a nice day and Justin is so wound up we should just head on out to the park. It'll be nicer for the rest of the patrons if he doesn't keep disrupting the place." Both Natalie and Marcie laughed.

"Pretty soon, McBains won't be allowed at any of the finer Llanview establishments if we keep this up," Marcie agreed. She kissed Michael on his cheek. "I think this was a very good idea you boys had, and it still amazes me you came up with it."

"That would be Johnny. He thought it had been too long since you'd seen Justin and Natalie." Mike encircled Marcie's waist and kissed his wife happily.

Natalie gazed at John with a bit of wonder, and he just shrugged his shoulders diffidently. Somehow he had yet again known precisely what it was she had needed when she hadn't known it herself. It made him so hard to resist and was a constant battering to her tenacity not to be sucked into the energy which was John McBain. And she was just so damn tired; tired of being guarded, tired of being sad, tired of having to be strong all the time, and worst of all tired of feeling like she had to apologize for being alive. When she glanced up, John was scrutinizing her with his eyes slightly narrowed. Natalie quickly looked away. But she knew it was too late, he had already fathomed the struggle taking place inside her soul. And at least for the rest of today, she was just too weary to give a damn if he knew she was losing her way.

When their food was up they said their good-byes to Carlotta and walked across the square to the park. Natalie was not about to relinquish her sleeping baby niece and she carefully carried her with her blanket shielding her creamy skin from the midday sun. They found a nice picnic table beneath an elm and enjoyed each other's company as well as the food. After lunch, Nat dug around in Justin's bag until she found the hand wipes and proceeded to clean up her squirming son.

"There, that's much better. Now, go and ask Daddy to take you over to the petting zoo. Maybe Uncle Mike will go too."

"Okay. Daddy! Time for the zoo!" And Nattie watched her son run across the lawn to where John and Michael were tossing around a football.

Natalie sat down on the grass, kicking off her heels and rolling up the legs of her black pant suit. She took the baby from Marcie again and carefully she laid Gabby across her lap. Nat marveled at how pretty the baby was with her little bow lips and delicate blonde coloring. There was no doubt she was going to be a total heart breaker. If it was one thing the McBain boys were perfectly good at, it was making beautiful children. Her own tall and utterly handsome dark haired son was proof of that.

Marcie joined her and then laughed, "Well here comes trouble."

With his usual purposeful walk John made his way over to where Natalie was reclining casually in the shade. "Come on Natalie, not the petting zoo. What the hell do I know about a petting zoo? At least come with us."

Nat shaded her eyes and she nearly laughed out loud. He really wasn't sure about doing this, but he would. "Justin really wants to go. It will be good for all of you, you know, a male bonding moment. Just let him pet one of the sheep, chase a few ducks, and maybe give some food to the bunnies – fifteen minutes tops McBain. I think you can handle it."

As he turned to go he shot back. "You owe me Nattie. And I promise you, I'll eventually collect." The dual meaning was not lost on her, but at this point she figured he was going to try and collect even without the debt of the petting zoo as added insurance.

"You know, I don't know how you did it Nattie, but you managed to civilize John."

Natalie shook her head in denial, "Wasn't me. I think it's all Justin. John loves that boy and he'll even put up with me and all my current drama just to safeguard their close bond."

"I don't think so Nat. I've seen the way he looks at you, especially when he thinks you're not aware. John's changed. All I have to say is, in my experience, that kind of dust up in a man usually starts with a woman."

"It's not what you think Marcie." Nat gently ran her fingers through the baby's spun silk curls. "We're just trying to find our way as parents. But it's hard…and I'd be a fool if I didn't concede there's the added complication of so much history."

Marcie pulled up several blades of grass while she debated if she should pursue this topic of conversation further. "Nat, maybe you should just give it a try. Both you and Justin could use a little happiness, especially after all you've endured over the last six months."

"I can't. And you and I both know why. I can't risk it, not with Justin."

Marcie just reached out and covered her friend's hand with her own while Natalie angrily brushed the sudden appearance of tears from her cheeks.

"Whatever you need Nat, you know I'm there. But I don't think John is going to take no for an answer. So unless you want to continue to wear yourself out over this power struggle, you're going to have to seriously look at limiting how much time you spend with him. And I'm not even sure that will work."

"I know Marcie, and don't think it doesn't scare the hell out of me. But I'm not sure there's anything I can do."

It was hard to leave Marcie and the baby, but after Justin returned from the petting zoo, he was obviously run ragged and getting a tad cranky. Natalie hugged Marcie tight and the two promised they would get together soon for lunch again, just them and the kids.

John lifted Justin up and held him secure with one forearm. The boy was tired and pillowed his head on John's shoulder. As they started back to BE, Nat thanked John.

"For what? All of us having a good time? Well, with the exception of the damn petting zoo. Nat, there's shit everywhere in there and the goats…Nattie those things try to ram you. But I expect you already knew that or you would have come with us."

Natalie laughed and patted her sleeping son's back. "I hate the petting zoo. But as you have now seen first hand, to a toddler it's heaven."

When they got back to the BE Tower, the two of them were quiet as they rode the security elevator to the parking deck. As they got to Nattie's SUV, she opened the doors with the keyless remote and John placed Justin into his car seat and carefully buckled him in. He cracked the window and gently closed the rear door so as not wake the boy.

"You should go home and take a nap yourself," John advised. "You're sure you don't want me to take Justin?"

Nat shook her head. The last thing she wanted was John coming back out to the house later to drop off Justin. She didn't think she could stand up to anymore of his scrutiny. "No, we'll be fine. I think a quiet evening is exactly what I need. So, I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Sure. Just call me if you need anything."

They stood still in an awkward silence until John cursed. Instead of opening the driver's side door, John took Natalie's hand and led her to the front of the vehicle so they were between the SUV and the garage wall, partially shielded from view by a large concrete pillar. He pulled her into his arms, and before she could protest or squirm away, John lowered his mouth to hers. Natalie gasped in shock, and John used her reaction to his advantage, instantly deepening the kiss. She didn't stop him. The first contact of his tongue with hers sent a bolt of raw sexual energy blazing through both of them and John felt Natalie shiver from the intensity. Jesus, he needed it all. John turned Nattie until she was pressed up against the garage wall, her body crushed by his. He ran his hands up her sides, under her arms so his thumbs grazed the fullness of her breasts until he held her hands above her head as he drank endlessly from her sweet mouth. Slowly, he ended the kiss and when she opened her eyes, he knew what he saw, naked and unconcealed. He brushed her lips with his; he had to have her, just once more before he could let her go. Goddamn, but this - this was what was right between them; Natalie soft, pliant, willing , her arms around his neck, her fingers sifting though his hair as he dug his fingers into her waist and tilted her pelvis into his. John played with her warm mouth for endless moments, sliding his tongue along hers, breathing her in while she melted against him. Until he sensed it, the nearly unnoticeable stiffening of Natalie's body as she regained her sanity. He had to stop before he couldn't, and for awhile they just stood in the garage as they both felt the out of control beating of each other's hearts.

John tangled his fingers with Natalie's and led her back to the driver's side door. When Natalie slid behind the wheel, she was grateful Justin was still sleeping blissfully in the back seat and hadn't witnessed his mother as a willing participant in such a flagrantly intimate position with his father. John held the door open, and he waited patiently for Nattie to turn and fully look at him. When she finally did, John's eyes were burning with the knowledge of everything that had just so shamelessly passed between them and there was no way to finagle her way out of it, not this time...He reached out rubbed a silky lock of her deep copper hair between his thumb and forefinger. And then closed the car door firmly and stepped back from the vehicle. Nat started the car and carefully pulled out of the parking space. When she got out to the street, she sat with her head on the steering wheel trying to decide how to salvage a completely unmanageable situation. There was truly only one thing she could do. With renewed conviction, Natalie turned left and headed in the direction of the only person who could help her get her life back on track.

To be continued…………


	9. Chapter 9

_I don't own these characters (ABCD does) - I just completely enjoy them. Hope you have fun with this next installment :) As always your kind thoughts and feedback are so appreciated and helping me to stay the course. _

**Chapter 9**

John had followed Natalie's SUV at a safe distance out of downtown Llanview and onto the highway so he was confident she had no clue he was tailing her. Which was just as well, John simply wanted to know Nattie was going to make it home without any mishap and once she took the turn off toward Wentworth Heights, he would be on his way. He had an appointment he needed to keep, or John would have pursued what had happened between them in the garage further, forced her to take a look at the progression of their relationship with some degree of reality. The kiss had been a spontaneous reaction on his part, and probably another one of his many tactical errors when it came to Natalie. But there it was, and he could recognize it. John would never have restraint when it came to her and she had looked so lost and exquisitely lovely he'd abandoned the last of the pretense that what he really wanted from her was to essentially be friends. It was out in the open, and though he still had no idea what was going through Nattie's head, he sure as hell knew what had been the cause of her rapidly beating heart. But the timing had been lousy, because he wasn't going to be able to press home the advantage before Natalie had a chance to process what they had done and were definitely going to do. And since he was so intimately acquainted with her crazy red headed logic, John knew she was already spinning off into denial and concocting a futile plan to resume pushing him away.

"I'll be damned." John couldn't believe it, but Natalie had blown by the off ramp toward the suburbs. Now just where the hell was she going? He shadowed her for several more miles and found it interesting her focus seemed to be solely on the road in front of her with no concern for the traffic behind. As they moved farther away from Llanview, the number of vehicles on the highway had thinned, so if Natalie were simply to look in her rearview mirror she probably would have spotted the rumbling black beast trailing her by about a mile. But it appeared she was evidently lost in thought and completely fixed on reaching her destination. As they traveled a little farther into the Pennsylvania countryside, the highway narrowed from four to two lanes with three cars between Nattie's SUV and the GTO. So, that was her intention. Nattie was going in for additional back up. Sure enough, she slowed and carefully turned down the Llantano bluffs road. That was fine. He could handle it and it wasn't wholly unexpected. John was pretty certain he could predict the outcome of her little impromptu visit, and later there would be sufficient time to start figuring things out.

John pressed down on the GTO's accelerator, engaging each and every one of the 4 barrels in the carburetor and turning loose all 335 horses. He signaled and pulled out into the opposite lane roaring by the three cars blocking his passage to the open road. John shifted into 4th gear and picked up the pace to his cruising speed of 80 mph in seconds. He'd be in Pine Valley with time to spare.

Damn, but now what had she done? Natalie carefully pulled onto the back country road and accelerated smoothly. Ordinarily, she loved this road. It was a study in focused swerves around successive bends and short straight lines which tested Natalie's driving skills and even though she knew she shouldn't, she often took the track with the goal in mind of reaching her destination without once applying the brakes. But not today. She was uncharacteristically circumspect, both hands on the wheel at 10 and 2, hunched slightly forward in the seat, and her rate of speed well below the legal limit. It's how she should have conducted herself a scant half an hour ago, with prudence and decency. Natalie groaned, her cheeks flaming with the embarrassment. Shit, shit, shit! How in the hell was she ever going to make this one go away? And for heavens' sake, was she subconsciously trying to sabotage her soon to be formerly perfectly well-ordered and uneventful normal life? No, Natalie quickly reproached herself for even allowing herself such an unsettling train of thought. She may not be able to restore the balance in her microcosm of the world overnight, but she'd be damned if she would just roll over and give it all up.

What was it with her and John? Truly, it was beyond comprehension and Natalie was at a loss to understand why everything between her and John had to be so complicated. It was obvious they were certainly skilled at excelling as parents. They worked well together on this score and every decision they made was in the best interest of their child. The trouble was Natalie wasn't sure why it couldn't be enough for them to just appreciate, let alone take pleasure in their relationship on this level and leave it at that. Nattie stole a look in the rear view mirror to see her sweetly sleeping son with his thumb in his mouth as usual. Justin was indeed the best of her and John. But this was all turning into one big fat hairy mess which was spiraling so far out of control Natalie feared her existence was never going to be the same if she didn't do something drastic and now. No matter how she tried to spin it, John was formidable and though she'd tried to go slow and maintain the upper hand, he blindsided her at every opportunity with his warmth, sensitivity, and atrociously excessive male appeal. So, he'd left her no other alternative but to institute strict damage control while she put her new plan of action into motion.

As she got closer to her destination, she began to feel just the slightest glimmer of hope. The road bed skirted the spring swollen Llantano River for a time until Natalie started to climb above the flood plain. A series of three limestone terraces verdant with gnarled grapevines as far as she could see gave way to the table top and a panoramic view of the river below. Nat spotted the familiar old mailbox standing sentinel at the entrance to a crushed gravel driveway. Turning right, she started down the drive and she was glad to see Nash's battered Chevy truck parked in its usual place. When Natalie pulled up to the cottage, she noticed Nash out in the distance just west of the house and overseeing a crew in the vineyard tying up the vines. Justin was still asleep in the back seat, so when Nattie got out of the car, she took her keys from of the ignition and left the driver's side door cracked. Shading her eyes, she waited until Nash caught a glimpse of her and then Nat waved her arm above her head in an exaggerated greeting. Nash waved back and set off on the short hike from out of the vineyard. Nat loved this place. It was so peaceful, and with the new green buds on the vines ready to burst into full leaf and the wildflowers blooming in the middles between the orderly rows of trellises, it was incredibly beautiful. Nattie breathed deep and turned her face into the fresh afternoon breeze coming in off the Llantano River below the bluff and felt it cool her overheated blood.

Nash called to her as he was nearly at the top of the trail leading up from the fields to the cottage, "Nattie! This is a great surprise. What brings you out to my neck of the woods?" He was smiling broad and just seeing him, Natalie felt instantly better. As usual he was dressed in a Henley shirt layered underneath a nubby tweed jacket, his trousers tucked into his rubber boots which were caked with the rich silt soils that nurtured his flourishing vineyards.

"Hey Nash. Geez, I hope I'm not pulling you away from something important. I just needed to talk that's all. Probably should have called first, so if it's not a good time, it won't hurt my feelings if you send me on my way."

Nash pulled his sister-in-law into a warm embrace, swaying gently until he released her. "It's always a good time to see you Nat. And you've come to the right place if you need a heart to heart. Where's the little guy?"

"In his car seat, sleeping. He's had quite a day today. We met Michael, Marcie, and the baby for lunch and after, he did the petting zoo."

"Well, I'll get him, and then we can go inside and have a glass of wine and you can give me your opinion on my vintner's select cabernet sauvignon. Bree's still at school so Justin should be able to finish his nap before Jessica brings her home and she riles him up again. Come on Nattie, I can see something's really bothering you. So let's get to it."

Nash carefully lifted the sleeping Justin from his car seat and the two went into the cottage. By the time Nash came back from laying Justin down in Bree's room, Nattie had her heels off and was sitting cross-legged on the ottoman in front of the fire. Nash went to the living room sideboard and poured two glasses of a deep full bodied ruby red cabernet from the nearly full bottle. He handed Natalie her glass and sat on the sofa opposite her.

Natalie sipped her wine. "This is great Nash. Bound to be another critic's choice and to earn Brennan Vineyards more accolades. Congratulations."

"That's what I thought too, but it's always nice to get another wine lover's opinion. And if I do say so myself, your palate has grown discriminating under my tutelage." Nash held his glass up to the last golden rays of afternoon light streaming in the window as he evaluated the color and clarity of the wine. "Well, Nat how's things?"

She sighed, "I really did it this time Nash."

"Hmmmm something tells me this directly pertains to one John McBain. Not so easy keeping your life partitioned when you are parenting a kid with someone you share that much baggage with, now is it Nattie?" Nash eyed his favorite sister-in-law over the rim of his glass. "By the way, you look like hell so I'm thinking this has been going on for awhile now."

"Thanks, Nash. I love you too honey. But yes, it's been going on almost since the day he showed back up in Llanview. I swear to God Nash. Every morning I tell myself I'm not going to allow him to get to me and by the time I go to bed, at night I've managed at least once during the course of the day to let him or myself cross all the boundaries." Nat swirled the wine in her glass and pensively brought it to her nose, inhaling the luscious bouquet while she chose her next words carefully. "But the thing is, he really is a good father and you would be amazed at how close the attachment is between him and Justin. And I have ownership in this mess because I really do need him to help me with Justin, and he does it so willingly, capably. But the down side is we've been spending way too much time together...as a family...fabricated a situation where we've basically been playing house." Nat stopped for a moment and heaved another long sigh before she took a sip of her wine.

"So anyway," Natalie continued, "it's no surprise from time to time things have, well, escalated a bit from co-parents and friends to borderline...inappropriate. And this afternoon was one of those times."

"What'd ya let him do Nat?"

Nattie flushed before she confessed. "He kissed me, I mean really kissed me. In the BE parking garage, within range of the security cameras I'm afraid. So probably by now both my dad and my brother have seen me pinned up against the garage wall, wrapped around John and practically having sex. Luckily, Justin was asleep in his car seat and didn't see anything, but he could have. And it gets worse. I took the afternoon off ostensibly because I was wracked with grief over Jared's death. Which I was, am! I mean, I know better Nash; God knows I do, I just don't know how to translate reasonable common sense into adult behavior where John is concerned. And it's starting to really affect me," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.

"What do you want me to say Nat? That you're a bad mother and an equally bad person because you let your ex remind you how you ended up with the kid in the first place? Not me Nattie. Guilty as charged." Nash drank from his glass and watched the emotions play across Natalie's face. "Have you told him?"

Natalie shook her head. "But I think he suspects. He's aware Jared was out of the country a lot on BE business during the past six months, though I never came right out and told him we were having problems."

"Well I think he knows Nattie. I seriously doubt that's the reason why he showed up, but someone's clued him in since his arrival. Seems like he's not unhappy about the state of affairs which existed between you and your now deceased husband, and knowing John McBain - he's going to persist until you manage to convince him you really do mean 'no' Natalie. Now you have to ask yourself how you really feel about the man and are you ready to move on? That's the prevailing question here Nat, because realistically, so long as he's around and so completely tangled up in your lives, you won't be with anyone but John." Nash got up from the couch and retrieved the wine bottle from the sideboard, replenishing both their glasses.

Natalie started to cry, "I'm so scared Nash. Honestly it was over with Jared and for quite a long time before he was killed. Though you and I talked about it, how I would have to get past the marriage once I finally filed for a divorce, I never bargained for this. Jared certainly doesn't deserve to have his widow take up with her ex weeks after his death in effect publicly trashing everything he gave me and debasing our marriage. And it's John, Nash. You know how Jared felt about John...and it's because of me, what Jared knew I went through to get over him."

Nat began to cry in earnest and Nash got up and gave her the clean handkerchief from his back pocket. There really wasn't anything else he could do but rub her shoulders and get her to blow her nose until she regained some semblance of her composure. When he was certain she could handle more wine without choking, he held her glass to her lips and encouraged her to drink.

"Go on, and don't worry about driving home. I'll make sure you and Justin get there safely." Nash sat back down on the sofa. "Now it's my turn. And I'm going to speak frankly Nat because I travel this slippery slope every day with your sister. You are not over John McBain and you never have been. What you did do was learn to live without him. No small feat, I gotta tell you and it only reinforces why I've always admired you. You got guts my girl. But if you don't stop beating yourself up over the failure of your marriage to Jared, you will do something very foolish where McBain is concerned. Guilt is a useless emotion and it can become dangerous if you give it substantial weight in any decision making, and you are on the verge of doing exactly that. You can't Natalie, you need to set it aside and decide if you want John as more than Justin's father - or you don't. And if you want the man, the hell with the timing Nattie, because I'm afraid you simply are not going to get to choose that."

Nash reached across the space to take his handkerchief back after Nattie had dried the rest of her tears. They both sipped their wine and were quiet for a time.

"Well, what's your conclusion?"

Nat took a tremulous breath before she spoke. "John's been absent for the better part of two years and I have built a life outside of what we used to have. You know something Nash? I like parts of it; the peace and coherence and how I've been able to raise Justin without everything having to be so damn hard. I look at you and Jessica and I know when you have a relationship which is fraught with that kind of turbulence, you can loose yourselves to the struggle. I'm just not sure that's what's best for Justin or me. No offense, I mean I know how much you and Jessica love each other, but I haven't made up my mind all the pain you guys go through sometimes is worth it for the temporary interlude of the good stuff." Natalie shrugged her shoulders. "Besides, John's never been the best communicator and we're doomed to failure almost from that standpoint alone. If we don't make it, I can't guarantee Justin wouldn't lose John for good because John walks Nash; both figuratively by either putting up walls I can't seem to get past or he literally leaves, time after time when he's hurt, or feels defenseless, or his emotions threaten to get away from him and come to the surface. I'd rather figure out a strategy where we can co-exist on a less intimate level than risk Justin growing up without a physically accessible father."

"Fair enough," Nash allowed, "but just one last thing to consider Nattie, you say turbulence and struggle, I say excitement and fulfillment. You've already been in one loveless relationship so I know you're aware of how empty and lonely it can be. My suggestion is be careful you don't forget it while you're trying to figure how to keep McBain at arm's length. You still haven't answered my question about how you really feel about McBain, although I have a pretty good idea considering how much energy you're expending by running petrified from the truth. That's going to bite you in the keister, Nattie – and you might want to consider the reverse choice and just go with it…As for Justin, what kid isn't entitled to grow up with both his parents? While, I do believe if anyone could manage to work it to her advantage by sheer doggedness alone, that would be you. So, what do you have in mind?"

"I'm thinking maybe I need to go and spend a couple of days with my mom and Charlie. It's seems to me the only way to break this family time habit John and me have gotten so used to is to absolutely do it - cold turkey. But it's not going to be easy, so I need help. If I'm at Llanfair, John won't dare cause a scene, and we can begin to establish a few new ground rules for him exercising visitation with Justin. Namely, he is going to have to start picking him up and dropping him off at the house just like other non-custodial parents, with a neutral go between like Sabrina overseeing the exchange. No more acting like my house is his house and spending all his time with Justin there. Just for a little while, till we get ourselves straightened out and the standard of our relationship clarified…"

Nash barked with laughter, "You're serious? Natalie, you and McBain will never reach a state of accord. And don't you think running home to mommy in the midst of this melodrama won't be like dangling a red cape in front of the bull? But okay, you try it and just let me know if you need any help…something tells me you're going to need it."

"That's the point, Nash. I'm trying to keep my life from disintegrating into just another trashy romance novel with the world's worst plot. The least you could do is be a little more supportive by lying to my face about how brilliant my newest scheme is. Sheesh and you call yourself a friend."

"I do what I can Nat with what I've got to work with." And Nash laughed again saluting her with his glass before he drained it dry.

By the time John rang the bell at the Chandler mansion, the last of the afternoon light was turning the skyline to the west into a palette of indigo, violet, and crimson. He would have preferred an early morning appointment, but it had been out of the question and considering the scuttlebutt he had been hearing it was probably just as well. The black wreath of mourning was still in evidence on the front door and John hardened himself for an arduous and contentious interview. But it had to be done because JR Chandler had taken some key information on Jared Banks and the Thai Vang Electronics deal with him into hell, and John was betting the devil himself had a pretty good idea what his demon spawn had been up to.

A dark blonde middle aged woman opened the door and John recognized her immediately as Krystal Chandler.

"Hello Mrs. Chandler, I'm here to see Adam. I'm John McBain."

"Krystal, please." She opened the door wider so John could come into the entryway. "Adam is expecting you. He's having a rough day today, so you may need to cut your interview short. I'm sorry Mr. McBain, I know you drove all the way from Llanview, but Adam isn't handling the loss of his son well at all."

John nodded, "It's understandable. And call me John. "

"He's in his study. Can I get you anything before I take you back there? Water, a soda, or something stronger?"

"No thanks."

"Okay, well if you change your mind, just let me know. Right this way."

John walked through the front of the house behind Krystal. He'd never been in the Chandler mansion before, and frankly though it evidently was the height of opulence and supposed good taste, John thought it was a little overdone. It certainly did not have the same warmth as Llanfair or understated elegance of Dorian Lord's La Boulaie.

Krystal stopped in front of a set of six paneled walnut doors. She knocked and called "Adam, it's Krystal. John McBain is here to see you." She turned to him. "It's fine, just go on in. If you need anything, either Winnie or I can be called for by using the bell pull next to the fireplace." Krystal left him standing outside the study.

John turned the knob and entered the room. It was in semi-darkness with no lights on to chase away the gloom. He smelled the odor of strong alcohol, which was consistent with what was alleged as the senior Chandler's solitary coping mechanism. For a moment John wasn't sure he was going to get anything of substance from the questioning of a man still in the throes of debilitating grief.

Adam slowly swiveled around his desk chair as John came fully into the room. "Considering you're probably working for the Buchanan's I'm not even sure how you have the balls to come here, so let's dispense with the pleasantries shall we? What do you want McBain?"

Yeah, the old man was intoxicated all right. Had probably been drinking since this morning and was a mean ass drunk to boot. John crossed the room and sat opposite of Adam in a chair on the other side of his desk. It was important he saw the nuances of Adam's facial expressions. "I'm not working for the Buchanan's. But you're right; I have a vested interest in what happened to Jared Banks and your son by association. Considering you have your own legion of PIs working on the case, I expect you are aware the explosion was meant to kill Banks and JR appears to have been ancillary damage. For that, I am sorry Adam." John steepled his hands and closely gauged the old man's reaction.

"Bastard! Banks probably deserved what he got, but whatever he was involved in, JR was an innocent of that I'm sure. So, you've come to me expecting information to help you save your son and the red headed consort of Banks' – is that it McBain? You want to profit from the loss of my son and the investigation I'm heading to keep your son and his duplicitous mother alive and out of the fray? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out on your ass, since that makes you a Buchanan by extension."

"Because I have access to Buchanan information, and you don't." John wasn't going to play with Adam. Chandler had resources, and John did need him. But by the same token, he wasn't a fool and Adam could certainly see the advantage in working with him if it meant he could access evidence generated from the Buchanan side. And John unquestionably wasn't going to lose his cool over a few well placed insults. Chandler was used to controlling situations using this very tactic, but he would soon learn John intended to gain the edge and keep it.

Adam's eyes narrowed and he removed the stopper from the cut glass decanter to slop whiskey into the tumbler in front of him on his desk. "What do you know about business McBain? And how are you going to understand any evidence which points to corporate espionage – I think you need me more than I need you." Adam took a long drink of his whiskey.

"Because this doesn't smell like a corporate raid gone bad. And I don't think you believe it either. First of all, the key subsidiary is Thai Vang Electronics. From what I can ascertain, TVE is one of those holdings which should fly under the radar. It was neither under performing or exceeding expectations. In other words, why conspire to take apart the functioning structure of a company that is operating exactly as it should? It shouldn't have even come under Jared's scrutiny. Just a nice company which contributed to BE's bread and butter in the profit sheet. So what was it about TVE, Adam? It seems to me you might be concentrating your efforts on finding out."

"Yes, well you would think so wouldn't you? And maybe I am. But with Banks, there was always more than met the eye. He appeared polished, dressed well and had an MBA, but in his chest beat the heart of a con man. Did you know I spent several evenings being entertained by his beautiful wife? She was quite the hostess and the two were very married McBain. Jared could hardly keep his hands off of her. And your son, cute kid by the way, called him 'Daddy'. The last time I was in that lovely home of theirs on River Court, oh about three months ago, I seem to recall Mrs. Banks was very knowledgeable regarding BE and industry in general. Must be in her DNA. So, why don't you solicit her help in all of this? From what I understand the two of you are fast becoming reacquainted."

John ignored his bait, "Adam, do you know where JR's passport is? It seems the FBI may have neglected to examine it in their preliminary investigation."

Adam raised his eyebrow in surprise, "What would his passport have to do with anything?"

"I'm betting that on many of the numerous scheduled trips Jared took to the Pacific Rim over the last six to eight months, JR joined him on more than one occasion for a stop in Thailand or near enough to the Thai border the two were escorted in to take care of business. If you have the ability to produce the document, I think you might be surprised at what you will find." John stared into Adam's eyes with icy assurance.

Long moments passed before Adam got up none too steadily from behind the desk and went over to the wall adjacent to the double doors. He swung the Renoir painting on its hinge to reveal a safe. Quickly he spun through the combination and popped open the door. Within moments he had the passport in his hands. He threw it to John and dropped back into his desk chair leaving the safe wide open and exposing the contents to John's view, including several bundles of stacked cash which looked to be approximately 5,000 each. John thumbed through the record and folded back a key page and slid it across the desk for Adam to look at.

"So Adam, it appears JR had a fondness for the rainforests of Darwin Australia? I'm asking you to let me take the passport with me. I'd like to compare the dates JR was in Indonesia and Australia to the trips Jared supposedly took to Japan and China. At this point I'm assuming all the excursions are somehow related and anything at this point is possible. Adam, it seems JR and Jared may have been working on this deal for far longer than anyone previously thought."

"Son of a bitch." Adam slammed his fist down on the desk. "Take it McBain. And when you come up with some definitive link between my son and the slimy bastard Banks, then we'll talk about whether we need to form any sort of an informational alliance. Now get out of here. Let me drink myself to sleep in peace."

John rose from his chair and pulled his business card out of his jacket pocket. "We'll be in touch. In the mean time, it might be to your advantage to keep my number handy. You're in the thick of it Chandler, whether you like it or not. And at this point, I think it's prudent to say no one's family or corporation is safe." And John left with exactly what he had come for.

Coming across the Llantano River on the last stretch of his drive back from Pine Valley toward Llanview, John decided it might not hurt to give Natalie a call just to be sure she was all right. He'd been a little surprised she hadn't left him a message while he'd been meeting with Adam Chandler. That could only mean one of two things; either she was too tired and not feeling well enough to deal with him, or she was flat out avoiding him. Frankly, it didn't matter which. If it was the former, he wanted to be sure she was really okay, and didn't need him to help her with Justin. If it was the latter, then John was going to none too subtly stress that in spite of what Natalie believed, this thing between them was real, enduring, and would not be dismissed.

He hit the address book in his cell and quickly selected Nattie's home number. It rang several times before her voice mail picked up, "Hi there, you've reached …" John hung up. Well this was intriguing. Natalie always answered her land line when she was at home. Again, John went into his address book and this time, punched up her cell. It rang three times before Nattie picked up.

"Hi John."

He could hear laughing and the noise of several people in the background, including the high-pitched childish voice of his own son. "Hey Natalie. I just wanted to touch bases with you to be sure you made it home okay with Justin."

"We're fine, but we actually never quite made it home. We sort of descended on my mom and Charlie, all of us kids with our own broods as well. Since it's getting kind of late, I think Justin and I are going to be spending the night at Llanfair. So it's probably good you called and I could tell you we won't be home for breakfast tomorrow morning."

"Okay, so what time do you think you might make it home? Or is it easier for us to meet somewhere else?"

There was a long pause, and then John no longer heard the racket of the family gathering. Christ, this wasn't going to be good if Nattie was thinking she needed privacy for this part of the conversation.

"John, you and I are not going to meet tomorrow. If you want to see Justin, we'll have to make arrangements for you to pick him up from Lois or Sabrina."

Unfuckingbelievable. He had been away from her for the better part of the afternoon and evening and this is what she'd come up with? "What are you doing Nat? This is senseless and we need to talk about it."

"There's nothing to discuss. I'm not limiting your access to Justin, as a matter of fact, he's bonded so well to you he'll be fine with you away from the house and you can still see him whenever you want. I'm thinking he may even be able to spend the night with you on occasion. You know it's for the best John, we're exes and it's not a good idea to lose our focus here. Justin comes first. Period. And you agreed, in the very beginning, you would let me live my life separate from you and not blur our responsibilities by our lives getting all mixed up."

Oh no, he most certainly had not been of the same mind on that one. More like he'd been pushed out as Nattie had tried to use Jared to shield herself from who they truly were together and what it definitely meant. It was no coincidence they had made Justin…and by God, John was not about to let what they were on the verge of finally having fall apart. This time, they were going to be happy, all of them.

His voice was deadly calm. "Bull shit Nattie, and I'm calling you on it."

"I'm done, John. So, I'll get in touch with you first thing in the morning to let you know where you can pick up Justin."

And then he heard the line go dead. John roared with laughter, she'd actually hung up on him and thought that would be the end of it. Oh, yeah, his favorite red head was scared stiff her vacuous well controlled life was going to bust wide open and everyone would know her favorite dirty little secret…he wanted her and she wanted him in the nastiest most permanent messiest kind of way, all tied up and twisted around each other both in and out of bed with one hell of a great kid sandwiched in between.

John parked at the bottom of the long tree lined drive leading up to Llanfair. The automatic gate wasn't closed yet, and John deliberately gestured with his right hand as he went through it on foot knowing he was being monitored by the security cameras. He could do with the walk, he'd come clean about that. He was royally pissed at Nattie, and he needed to have his emotions more under control when he reached the house. The last thing he wanted to do was give Natalie any more reason to prolong this half baked effort at the two of them steering clear of each other. John had known this wasn't going to be easy, and his best offensive was patience and consistency. He knew what passed between them every time his skin came into contact with hers, and a firestorm of passion branded the inevitability of what was going to happen sooner or later onto his very soul. He really didn't give a shit if Nat felt the need to contradict it, at some point she was so going to love seeing the error of her misguided convictions, and he was just the man who would make sure she did.

John knocked on the front door and stood back, placing his hands on his hips. When the door opened he wasn't surprised Natalie wasn't the one to greet him. "Hi Mrs. Davidson. I'm sorry to bother you, but I know Nattie is here. Would you mind letting her know I'd like to talk to her for a moment?"

Vicki stepped out onto the front terrace and closed the door behind her, "I'm sorry John, but Natalie doesn't wish to see you tonight. She's very tired and from what I can gather, the last several days have been difficult to say the least. I'll certainly tell her you stopped by though, and I'll relay your concern."

"Fine, then I'll just say good night to my son and I'll be on my way."

Vicki tried not to smile. John was nothing if not predictable and she never doubted for a moment he wouldn't be an indomitable force to reckon with when it came to either Natalie or Justin. "Justin is fine. He's actually having a last snack of milk and cookies with Lois in the kitchen. Seeing you will only get his energy up, and Charlie and I were so hoping to be able to get him down to sleep in another 20 minutes or so. That won't happen if I let you in to say good night to him, and you know it as well as I do John."

"Then let me take him with me and Natalie can come get him in the morning," John persisted.

"No, Justin is going to stay here tonight with his mother because that's the way she wants it. John, I have to tell you I truly am grateful for everything you've done for both my daughter and my grandson. You are a remarkable father and it's very clear to me how much you love that little boy and he adores you as well. But Natalie has suffered a very great shock in losing Jared, which she is clearly not over. As a result, she is in no position to be making any life altering choices at this point or even anytime in the very near future. I know you can understand that and I am also certain you really only have Natalie's best interest at heart. So please John, just respect her need for privacy. Good night, John." Vicki patted his arm and went back into the house.

As John stood there in simmering frustration, he heard the dead bolt being thrown on the front door. That was pure Nattie. Goddamn, but she actually had the nerve to try and treat him like an interloper and not like a member of the family – which he was by virtue of the fact he was Justin's father. Well, he would disabuse Natalie of that notion. Hell yes and he was going to enjoy every minute of it.

To be continued……


	10. Chapter 10 WARNING SERIOUS SMUT

_Thanks so much for all the support! John and Natalie's story has simply evolved into having a life of its own. Having said that, now comes the caution that even though I tried to tone it down…it is John and Nat…**so if you are not into smut, are too young to read smut, or are offended in any way by serious smut – follow the directions at the double bars...**_

**Chapter 10**

For two nights and two days Natalie tormented John. She would not answer his phone calls or even acknowledge he'd left about 50 voice mails as John went from initiating his most winning lopsided charm to the point of open anger and borderline bullying as he tried to get her to engage in some kind of dialog with him. Nothing worked. Natalie stood solid in her conviction to keep him well away from her but still firmly planted in Justin's life. As long as she was entrenched in Llanfair, John had no hope of getting anywhere near her, not without causing one hell of a scene. And that was one thing he would not do, which Natalie was damn good and well aware of, and she was blatantly using his code of ethics against him. It was to a point where he wasn't sleeping and certainly not able to work with any semblance of concentrated effort. And it was affecting Justin too.

None of this was lost on those closest to the two of them. As much as Sabrina loved Natalie, in this crazy scheme of isolation and conquer she could not support her. While she didn't really know what had gone on between Natalie and John to have caused such a drastic shift in the dynamic of their relationship, Sabrina wasn't the least bit surprised it was an out and out open altercation of two strong wills. Even the blind could not fail to see the inexorable swell of electricity sizzling between the struggling parents. And though Sabrina was confident the two would eventually find a way to resolve how they would work together and navigate this latest divergence, she was of the mind it really needed to occur sooner rather than later for Justin's sake. Her baby was clearly out of sorts and the cause could squarely be laid at the feet of his mother, and that Sabrina simply would not tolerate. After Jared's death, Justin had suffered the terrible loss and fracture in the routine of his short life which could've had destructive and long lasting effects. But Natalie had handled it with such strength and grace Sabrina was never more proud of her. That entailed her openly giving John his rightful place as Justin's father and weaving him unselfishly in to repair the damaged fabric of her son's life. From where the older woman sat, it required a tremendous amount of courage on Natalie's part. The danger had been there from the start, but Natalie had ignored it in order to do right by her son.

Now it appeared Natalie was cognizant of just what precisely it was she had done and what John really wanted for all of them. Nattie was running scared - with Justin caught in the middle. He was anxious, insecure, and when John had dropped him off earlier in the afternoon, he had cried inconsolably as his father had walked out the door. It simply had to stop and if it took a creative solution on her part, then so be it. Sabrina would gladly put up with the consequences if it meant she could re-establish the balance of Justin's life. As a further windfall, Sabrina was of the notion that John and Natalie's lives could be healed too, if only Natalie wouldn't be so pig headed about it – and if she was very lucky, Sabrina was optimistic she might solve two of their tribulations with one fell swoop. So after she fed and bathed Justin, she made several phone calls, one of which was to Natalie.

"I don't think Justin is feeling well. He's terribly cranky and I think he may be running a fever. So, since it looks like you're probably going to be late getting home from BE, I'm just going to put him down in his own bed after I give him some medicine rather than take him back to Llanfair."

Natalie was instantly alarmed, "Should I come home right now?"

"Oh no, I don't think it's that serious. But you know Miss Natalie, he is only two and his schedule has been completely disrupted yet again. I do believe it's best if I put him to bed a little early and hopefully he'll be right as rain in the morning."

"Well, I'll try and leave as soon as I can. I'm nearly finished and once Kevin throws holy water on the final product, I'll head directly home. Call me if anything changes?"

"Of course! Don't you fret, I really just wanted to give you a heads up…not unnecessarily worry you." Sabrina should have felt bad for her little white lies, but she didn't…

When Natalie finally pulled into her driveway it was late and she was drained. The presentation had proved a bear to tweak just so and to create a final draft which would pass Kevin's perfectionist muster. But it was done and it was the least she could do considering he'd been indulgent of her needing a little time away from the office while she'd tried to stave off the impending disaster of her and John. When she entered the front door Natalie was a bit surprised to find Sabrina was waiting for her in the entryway, with her coat on and apparently very anxious to leave.

"I'm sorry, Miss Natalie. But I have to run, the hubby is waiting for me and Friday is our big night down at the Llanview Bowl. The league needs me. I did want you to know Justin went down tonight with no problem. Poor little guy, I think he really missed his own bed. Anyway, he's been asleep for about a half hour and I just checked on him. No sign of a fever and he's sleeping peacefully, so I really do think he's fine. It appears he was just a little overly tired, that's all. Well, I'll see you on Monday."

"Thanks, Sabrina. I appreciate your staying late and taking such good care of Justin as always. Have a good weekend. And good luck with your tournament." After Sabrina left, Natalie locked and dead bolted the front door. She went upstairs to check on and tuck in her sleeping angel, kissing his soft cheek and sifting her fingers for the briefest moment through his dark thick hair. He didn't awaken and his skin was thankfully cool to her touch. Maybe Sabrina was right, a good night's sleep in his own bed probably would do him wonders. Then she went across the upstairs gallery to her own room and changed out of her BE appropriate buttoned up skirt and blouse and into a softly worn cotton dress. Padding on bare feet down the stairs and into the kitchen, Natalie decided tonight she was simply going to indulge herself. No extracurricular BE work with her nose buried in amortizations and acquisitions until the wee morning hours. She was just not quite up to the kind of mental acuity necessary to really analyze the product and projections discussed in any of the reports she'd brought home. Instead, Natalie was going to have one sinful little treat and then climb into bed and read a tacky murder mystery until she fell asleep. Justin wasn't the only one who had missed the familiar surroundings of home.

She went into the pantry and couldn't resist, and quickly she stuffed one and then another raspberry filled truffle into her mouth, closing her eyes as the sweet tart tastes burst onto her tongue. Natalie was rooting around in the tin for just the right confection for thirds when the doorbell rang and was succeeded directly by pounding on the front door. Nat stood stock still, but as the pounding became more aggressive and demanding she had no doubt who had arrived to storm the castle. Damn but John was going to wake Justin and then she was going to have to kill him. And even if somehow through a miracle he did not wake Justin, it wasn't such a bad idea to be permanently rid of him as far as Natalie was concerned. Because John was not used to taking no for an answer, and she had distinctly and unequivocally said no; so surprise, surprise, here he was decked out in all his overbearing male bluster come to try and influence her. He would see she was different…she wasn't the same wounded John McBain-crazy lovesick girl she had been over three years ago and she had steeled herself into not losing this one.

When Nattie threw open the door, her eyes were blazing. "What do you want McBain. It's late, I'm tired and Justin is already in bed. And so help me God, if you woke him with your caveman tactics, you'll discover new meaning to the word 'bitch' when it comes to me."

John ignored her impotent threats and breezed past her not waiting for permission. He sat down on the hall bench and with cool deliberation removed his boots. When he stood, he placed his hands on his hips with his feet wide apart in the usual stance he assumed when he was uncompromising in his purpose. "We're talking Nat. That's it. We do it here where our voices can carry up the stairs, or we go into the family room – it's your choice. Either way, it's happening."

"I don't think so McBain. I believe I already told you I'm tired." Natalie opened the front door wider, "Please leave."

John turned and strode down the hall into the family room.

Nat heaved a sigh. He was really going to do this. It took every ounce of self control for her not to slam the door in frustration. But she managed. And when she followed him into the family room, she found him leaning up against the kitchen counter, a freshly opened beer in his hand and an arrogant smile on his face. It was all Nattie could do not to scream.

"So, are you going to tell me why you're so pissed at me? Or is it you're terrified…is that it Natalie, is that why you've been avoiding me? One little kiss and you're running scared?" John took a drink of his beer.

Nat rolled her eyes, "You're an ass, and I'm not going to lower myself and 'tell' you anything. So you can just put the beer down and get out of my house. And tomorrow, you can call before you come over to pick up Justin to be sure my mom is here and I am not. Good night John."

He nearly laughed out loud. Natalie's eyes were smoldering with animosity and her cheeks were flushed with the heat of the battle. And she looked so damn enticingly girly in that skimpy curve hugging little lime green number with her cleavage peeking out from the top of her scooped neckline and her bare legs going on for days. Goddamn but he loved her like this, spirited, beautiful, and in all her full red-headed volatile splendor. John wasn't going anywhere. Carefully he set his beer down. "Here's the deal Nat, I've known you to be a lot of things but a coward was never one of them."

"How dare you! After more than two years, you decide to just to show up and disrupt everything during one of the worst periods in my life and I'm supposed to be grateful? For what, that you would finally deign to start acting like a father to Justin? You know nothing about me John, and you have some nerve if you think I'll stand by and let you judge me let alone decide I'm the coward!"

John crossed his arms over his chest and he was the picture of calm self-assurance. "That's right Nat, coward. No judgment on my part, just honesty. You know as well as I do, this is unfinished business and it's long overdue. And you and I should be well past skirting the truth, don't you think? The Natalie I know would have dealt with this full on and given me shit for refusing to talk about it. So, seems to me if you're avoiding the issue, you're flat out in a panic – but I already get it Natalie. Fight or flight babe, you tell me which one you prefer."

Nattie felt like she was in an alternate universe. How in the hell had this escalated where in less than three minutes they were now at the point where they were soon to thrash out who did what to whom in their relationship? Because there was no way they could talk rationally about the kiss without dredging up some of the most wretched episodes of their history. Natalie could not go there, not now, not ever. Somehow, she needed to quickly employ a strategy to definitely deflect and dodge. John was right, when confronted with this alarming situation there were only two choices, and she had settled on flight. Damn him! Why couldn't he keep his hands and his mouth to himself?

"Fine, you're so big on honesty. Here it is. We are exes. I am not looking to revisit any part of the past, let alone dredge up old feelings with an old flame. How many times do I have to say it? So I think it's best for the time being we put some space in between us. I'm sorry John, if I in any way gave you the idea I would be open to more. Because I'm not."

"Hmmmm, so now I can add fraud along with coward to the list of new personality traits you've acquired. Let me remind you, I may have initiated that kiss, but you were more than a willing participant." Natalie had the good grace to blush furiously. Oh yeah, she had been consenting all right with her lush breasts pillowed against his chest and her tongue halfway down his throat and her arms locked around his neck while he had plastered her up against the garage wall so he could fuse them down the length of their bodies. That was not the behavior of a woman who wanted "space." John took another drink of his beer while he allowed his eyes to remind her of how it felt.

Natalie knew any conflict with John could get dirty and she was not unprepared. Flat out it would be futile to try and dispute the potency of a single kiss; damn, but John was too well aware of what he did to her with a touch as innocent as the incidental contact of his skin with hers, let alone when he covered her body with his and set her senses on fire. "I never said we weren't great at sex, even as exes. But that's all, just sex John. Everything else we were lousy at. I don't want to go back to the lousy, not even if it means I'll have to forgo great sex. Is it clear enough for you?"

It was clear all right, and he liked it, a lot. After all this time, Nattie still remembered it was great; as in mind blowing, can't get enough, tender, unhurried and sometimes bittersweet, we'll do it anytime and anywhere, we're so scorching hot together sex. He was no fool, and though he had been slow to come to the realization, he had enough experience to appreciate what Nattie and he did to each other, made each other feel. And it was extraordinary…and rare…and bonded them together irrevocably. She'd get used to it, and he would do what he had to do to make sure of it. Though at this point, he'd accede he may have underestimated the magnitude of her resistance.

So, John didn't answer her right away, taking another drink of his beer while he let her think she had won the moment. "Seems to me, we're good at just about everything that requires teamwork - parenting, fighting, hanging out, flirting, talking, loving, and of course, lest we forget...sex...just some of these activities are easier for us than others. You're simply afraid of the hard work the not so easy ones may call for, isn't that more like it Nattie? And I think you're really pissed at me because I brought it all back up - when you had nearly convinced yourself what we had and what we were existed the way you decided to distort it, so you could present this sham of a life and pretend this is what was real."

Oh my God, the son of a bitch didn't really just say that…"Take it back McBain! I swear to God if you don't take it back things are going to get ugly and for the sake of our son, I'm asking you to stop this right now and just leave."

"You're in control of this Natalie. I already explained this and patiently too, I might add. If I hit a nerve maybe you should ask yourself why." John finished his beer in one long swallow and dispassionate as could be; opened the cabinet door under the sink, threw the empty bottle in the recycle bin, and proceeded to saunter over to the fridge and help himself to a second.

Natalie was left briefly speechless by his condescension. Then it hit her, John was actually angry with her. For the first time in all the years they had been doing this dance, John was not leading. He couldn't manipulate her, intimidate her, scare her, or control her. It freaking galled him, because he was the one, he had forced her hand and when she went on to build a life detached from him, she had done it successfully without looking back (well not much anyway). She couldn't help it, she laughed with the certain knowledge that she really was in control. "What a bastard you are. You don't get to rewrite history, and I'm not letting you off the hook. But before we take the gloves off, you'd better be very fucking sure this is what you want McBain…"

That got his attention; so it came down to this and how deep they would need to go to surgically excise the infection. Fine. But Nattie had better be prepared to deal with her own shit when it came to cleaning out the old festering wounds.

"What leads you to believe I would spin any part of what we went through? We were happy Nat and we didn't get enough time to take satisfaction from it. After the accident, we were not. That's what I remember. And we both made mistakes, some pretty big ones to be sure, but if you want to start laying blame there's enough to goddamn go around. For my part, I apologized and I seem to recall you accepted and ultimately we agreed we could remain friends. So what you're telling me now is, you never forgave me and you're not willing to remain friends. That's the message I'm getting and it's loud and clear."

Natalie scoffed with disbelief at how he was attempting to minimize what had really happened between them. "It was a bit bigger than we were simply unhappy after your accident. Let me put it in the simplest terms you can understand. You humiliated me by leading me to believe you thought we had a future while you were giving up on me and moving on with Marty Saybrook. You may not have slept with her while we were still technically together, but what you did was way worse, you were confiding in her and tolerated her insinuating herself between us. After everything we went through, after all the times I stood with you, and when I told myself it was okay if you shut me out because I knew how hard it is for you to say what it is you really feel…the whole time, you were lying to me and going to her to talk about you…me, and us." Nattie raised her chin just a notch and she didn't even care if he saw the diamond bright shine of tears in her eyes. But she would not cry – she was done shedding tears over John McBain.

Fuck, there it was what he had known all along. Natalie was not past any of it. "So that's what this is all about, Marty Saybrook? She's dead Nat, has been for years now. And you know I wasn't in love with her. Couldn't even call what we had dating let alone a relationship."

Nat threw up her hands in disgust, "I'm supposed to just say everything's all better because you weren't in love with her and wouldn't call what you had with her, well - anything?" She laughed bitterly, "You're clueless McBain. It isn't about whether you were or were not in love with Marty or even where things may or may not have been headed at the time she died. It's about how I couldn't trust you anymore - you John - who I always had faith in when there was no one else. That's why I broke up with you, and I got it you know; you wanted to make damn sure I would be the one to end it. That way you could be the bigger person, allow me a way to save a little face, and tell me it wasn't you who was easily able to give up on us. But it was you, the one who gave up on us. Not me."

"Christ Natalie, you frankly gave me plenty of reasons to distrust you during that time as well. And I never thought I would see the day when you no longer had respect for me, but I did." John ran his hand through his hair, "Except you know goddamn good and well I never gave up on us. As for Marty, how many times can I say it was a mistake? At some point you are just going to have to believe me and move on. It's not like I married her - not like you did with Jared."

Ahhh finally, Natalie thought, now they were getting somewhere. So, if he was a fickle emotional turncoat, then she was a heartless unfaithful little bitch – how was that for an odious bit of payback? Except he was sorely mistaken, because John couldn't tell her she was better off without him after the break up and then complain when she really was. She simply wouldn't indulge him in his self-pity. "Yes, I married Jared. The man loved me, built a life for our son. Whether you like it or not, no matter how much you seem to think it wasn't so, this is the real deal, no bogus imitation; Jared was committed to the three of us and together we made a family. He _wanted_ us and made sure every single day that went by we knew it. Why wouldn't I choose to be with a man like that? Of course I married Jared."

John's jaw locked with anger. He had wanted her, he just didn't know how much at the time. And that fateful night, days after he'd returned from Ireland, days after Marty's death – God yes, he had wanted Nat, been with her, made Justin, and found his soul could be at peace, but only with Natalie. And he never would have married someone else because he couldn't have what he really desired, that's for damn sure. "Jared, Jared, Jared," he mocked. "It's all about how good he was, how much he gave you. I have never once heard you say you loved him Natalie. At least I can admit it, I made a mistake – I never should have been with Marty. You on the other hand, wallow in the charade of what you want others to believe. Do you think if you say it enough, it really will make it so?? I'm not fucking buying it. Why don't you just come clean? You gave up on us – and you used Jared to do it. Like I said, you're a little coward."

"How the hell would you know anything about my marriage? Were you here? Oh that's right," Natalie smacked her forehead with exaggerated drama. "I almost forgot, you were across the country because you were so concerned about both Justin and me and the fictitious life we were supposedly leading. You left us McBain; and it's a tad hypocritical to whine about it now that you flipping figured out time didn't stand still for us in your absence."

No, Nattie. I was across the country because I couldn't stand to see another man with his hands all over you and my son – and I never should have left you…It's what John almost said but instead his pride got the best of him so he tamped down on his feelings in favor of provoking Natalie some more. "As a matter of fact, I have it from more than one reliable source you and Jared were on the verge of divorcing and it was you initiating the end of the marriage…sounds like the two of you manufactured a real solid family to me. I'll concede at one point you may have thought you cared about him, but in love with him? No goddamn way Nattie. I know what it looks like when you're in love. Babe, this wasn't it. And I'll hazard everything I know about you and state for the record it is exactly the reason why you were leaving Jared…" John's intense blue stare penetrated her defenses, challenging Natalie to deny he was the only one with first hand experience on who she indisputably was when she was deeply, wholly, perfectly in love.

Natalie gasped at his outrageous assertions. John was so conceited. Even if it was true, she had managed to go on without him, hadn't shriveled up and died, and had done a hell of a job raising their son with next to no help from him. "Has it ever occurred to you this is about me and not you?? I don't like who I am when I'm with you John. I'm jealous and insecure. And God knows you don't like me when I'm channeling the immature clingy and desperately pathetic either. But it's always what we get reduced to because I never know where you're coming from and you won't let me in. And I'm so tired John, tired of all the bull shit and the second guessing and I'm telling you, I am done. It's so over, there is no us beyond being Justin's parents."

For a split second, John almost believed her. And he wanted to shake her, until she understood the depth of his feelings for her and everything he ever did perpetually began and ended with her and the enduring connection they would always have – two kindred souls who were nothing but aimless, inconsequential without each other. John genuinely didn't understand why Natalie couldn't comprehend the significance of who they eternally were to each other if she would just open her eyes and see…and it hurt him, that she still didn't trust him with her heart and she had closed herself off from his.

It also pissed him off that Nattie could wield that kind of effect over him and he was more than willing to let her…Unless everything between them was in truth exactly as it seemed. "Goddamn straight Natalie. This is not about me. This is about you, and how you feel about me - and us. It's so not over Nat, I don't give a fuck what bull shit you're trying to impress me to accept. And you know what else? I think you realized very quickly you'd made a horrible mistake when you married Jared, that there was no fucking way you could learn to love him…or would even remotely have anything close to how good what we had was - even on our worst of days. So, while you might have initially persuaded yourself it was a viable decision to accept Jared's arranging the fair and equitable trade of your body in exchange for staying the course of an upper middle class marriage, your heart wouldn't be fooled into perpetrating the lie. As if it wasn't bad enough, and what's really killing you, is you think despite all your best efforts Jared knew it too, that you were not over us and you never will be. And if he did, then he knew the real reason why you needed the marriage to end. I get you Nat, and this is all predicated on guilt and appearances, not some great love for poor dearly departed Jared."

Before Natalie could stop herself, she slapped him soundly across the face. The instant it was over and the sting of what she had done registered from the palm of her hand to her brain, Natalie was mortified. She had never hit another human being in anger ever, let alone John.

John's eyes closed for several long moments while he took a deep breath. Shit, he probably deserved that, but he wasn't sorry. Nattie needed to hear the unvarnished truth and obviously he'd been fucking right all along, and she sure as hell didn't like having any of it dangled in front of her deceitful little nose. "Goddamn, Natalie. What are you doing?"

For a moment, Natalie thought she might faint from the shock, as everything went still and the edges of her consciousness faded to black. She couldn't look at him, and as she turned away her voice was small while the pain of what she had just done and the dire sense of imminent and devastating loss cut through her, stealing her very breath. "I think you should just go, John."

He waited for Nattie to turn around so he could assess the damage between them, try to decide if he could assuage the hurt and shame of what they had just done to each other. But her body was so stiff and he was so damn certain that if he touched her, it would be akin to pouring rocket fuel on a bonfire. So he just stood there mad as hell, flexing his hands open and closed until he purposefully walked out of the room and down the hall to throw open the front door.

John stopped short of leaving when he realized he was standing in his stocking feet, so angry with Natalie he was shaking. No one could cause the pitch of emotion in him that Natalie could. As the cool spring evening air hit him, this time John decided, no fucking way – it was not going to end like this. She was just going to have to suck it up and learn to forgive him and for his part, he was going to have to learn to communicate so she would always know exactly how he felt. And he didn't give a damn if it took them the better part of a lifetime to master these tasks either, and knowing them it probably would. He simply shut the door and turned on his heel, advancing up the entrance hall with long determined strides and back into the kitchen. Natalie was where he had left her; her back to him, hands clutching the counter top, staring with unseeing eyes. He would not let her squander away a chance at real happiness or their sexual currency, not tonight, not fucking ever again.

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_**DO NOT GO BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU ARE NOT OVER 17 YEARS OF AGE OR DO NOT WANT TO READ SERIOUS SMUT – Scroll down to the next double bars to resume reading the chapter**_

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John came up behind her, his body enveloping hers, his hands sliding down her arms until his fingers entwined with hers. She didn't move, didn't pull away. After long moments where they stood just so, and he allowed Nattie to get used to the fact he would pursue her, be with her, John leaned in, his mouth opening and he tasted her throat, moving up to graze her jaw with his teeth, his hair brushing her cheek. At the sharp intake of Nat's breath and her resultant tremor, John slowly turned her until he could easily capture her mouth fully with his own. It fed his raging desire. He intensified the kiss, sweeping her warmth repeatedly with his tongue, surprisingly tasting chocolate, so intoxicating, decadent, and he groaned deeply into her mouth as his sex hardened. He slowly ran his hands up the side of her torso, gently pressing her breasts with the palms of his hands. God, there was no hope for him, and he didn't care. This was his Natalie, sugary, hot, yielding in his hands. She wound her arms around his neck, running all of her fingers through the thick luxury of his hair, arching her back to give him added access to her breasts. He obeyed by running the pads of his thumbs across her nipples softly over the bodice of her sun dress while his palms molded her ample fullness. Natalie melted with pleasure beneath his touch.

"Jesus, Natalie….don't tell me no….not fucking now, not after all of this…" And John rocked his pelvis against hers so there could be no doubt in Natalie's mind what she did to him. He had to know, had to see for himself it was the same for her. He kissed her again, and then trailed his tongue down her neck, tracing a lovely path of open mouth kisses and gentle bites along her collar bone as he lowered the straps on her dress and teased the abundant rounded cleavage he happily revealed. With one arm slung low around her hips, his other hand began to systematically raise her dress above her derrière until he could easily cup her luscious sex and apply sweet pressure to her throbbing bud with the heel of his palm. Nat couldn't help it, God but it had been so long….she needed him, didn't want to fight this any longer, and it was too late for any resistance as she surged against him with complete abandon.

John laughed softly, and two of his fingers leisurely, deftly slid beneath her delicate silk panties to find her feminine folds swollen, wet, and Christ, so ready. He knew what Nat needed, and he would give it to her and would get so much more in return.

He ran his mouth back up to hers, and he bent her back in his need to consume her, insolently sucking her tongue into his mouth, wanting to imprint the taste of her, the smell of her, the feel of her forever on his body and in his heart. He swiftly swept her panties down her long shapely legs fully exposing her. Natalie completely surrendered as his fingers and his mouth sent a spiral of intense sexual desire curling from her belly to the core of her so that it made her legs weak. She gripped his shoulders and her hips moved with brazen self-indulgence as John growled with smug male confidence, "Oh yeah Natalie….give it to me…" And he continued to work his loving assault on her body.

She pulled his shirt free from his jeans and ran her hands up his flat abdomen and chest, and then down his back, finally cupping his butt with both hands. And then Nat was working the buttons on the front of his jeans, until he sprung free of the painful restraint. She ran her hand between John's stomach and his full erection teasing him unmercifully until she took the whole length of his shaft into both of her hands. John nearly came undone, and he bit his lower lip to give him something to concentrate on besides his fingers sliding in and out of her hot wet slit and her deliciously working hands caressing him to the verge of climax. He felt like a fucking teenager, with no ability for restraint. He needed her now, to be deep inside of her body where every stroke would get him closer and closer.

He rested his forehead against hers and he confessed, "Nat, you have to stop…..or we have to fuck, you decide. Cuz I'm gonna come…baby you're killing me."

Natalie responded by smiling and pushing his jeans down. "I say we fuck," she breathed against his ear before she took the lobe between her teeth and gently bit down. John shuddered. Jesus she was so sexy and she loved having her hair mussed, loved when they both came completely unraveled, and she was always right there with him, urging him unabashedly on. Her legs spread and Natalie leaned into him, rubbing her breasts against his chest and kissing him, making exquisite love to his mouth. John ran his hands over the round cheeks of her ass so he could lift her slightly to give him purchase and unerringly he found her moist opening with the head of his cock. "God Natalie…" And he was inside and she was so goddamn tight and it was torture to take it slow, as inch by inch he entered her until John was fully seated within her body.

"Wrap your legs around me Nat." And when she complied John carried her over to the table in the nook, setting her down so she was balanced on the edge. Then he began to move, with deep, slow rolling presses of his entire throbbing sex, his hands clutching the table as Nat clung to his strong biceps, her legs still wrapped around his waist meeting him thrust for thrust. With every stroke, he could feel his balls growing tighter, aching as he incrementally reached for it. And then he felt it, a rush of hot silky wetness and the first strong contractions of Nat's climax. She cried out and he captured the rest of the sound in his mouth as her body worked on his like a velvet fist and she was so swollen with her pleasure that he simply had no choice but to let his own slam into him with tremendous force; his release was so powerful Natalie could feel his ejaculation deep inside of her at the entrance to her womb. For both of them it just seemed to go on and on.

And then she heard it, heard him say it, softly against her mouth as he slowed his hips, "I love you…God I've missed you…"

For long seconds neither of them spoke, as they tried to catch their breath. When they came down, John was still inside of her, and he kissed her with such aching tenderness Natalie was afraid she might cry.

"Nat…"

She placed her hand over his mouth and saw the gravity of what he wanted to say in the passion of his gaze. But Natalie was reasonably certain the hot wild sex they had just engaged in may have, in this instance, short circuited John's common sense.

"Not a word McBain. Not now. Let's just go to bed and concentrate on doing this all over again."

He nodded, it didn't matter. He didn't have to tell her this second, or in the next minute, hour, or even day…because he wasn't about to let her go. She was his and if it meant he needed to marry her to make sure no other man ever touched her, filled her with his seed, made beautiful children with her, then that is exactly what he would do. And it was a goddamn bargain if it meant he got to keep her to himself.

He tangled his fingers with hers and led Nat out into the hall and up the stairs to her bedroom. She turned her back to him and lifted the long fall of deep burnished hair. John slid the zipper of her dress down and peeled the straps over her arms and the fabric past her waist, lightly tugging at the swell of her hips until it pooled at her feet.

John wound his arms around her pulling her back against his upper body. To Nat's delight and surprise, John was still hard; his tumescence snuggled against her. He cupped her breasts in his hands and they overflowed with a sumptuous weight John had always loved. Nat was all woman, soft curves against where he was angles and hard planes. They just fit in the most primal of ways.

Natalie turned and ran her hand through John's hair pushing it out of his eyes in the same tender gesture she used with their son. Slowly, she unbuttoned his shirt, sliding her hands up his chest and then pushing his shirt down his arms until he stood in all his naked masculine glory. He was so handsome, with his big beautiful body; so elementally male and he caused her heart to ache. Nattie kissed the corner of his mouth, his jaw, his neck, his bicep tracing the outline of the heart tattoo adorned there with the tip of her tongue, and working her way with maddening precision down his chest to his belly button, loving the taste of the salt on his skin. John slid both hands into Nat's hair and wrapped it in his fingers. She just looked up at him with compete trust in her deep blue eyes and went a little lower to exhale soft warm breath over his burning cock. Then he was once again in her hands, and she was stroking, her tongue swirling, mouth sucking, his sac cupped gently in her other hand as she squeezed, rolled and was driving him fucking crazy...John was lost in the sensation, his hips undulating with short slow thrusts.

He had to pull out or it was going to be over before they ever really got started. He felt like he had never even come, and the pressure was so intense he could only drag her up and just before his mouth descended on hers, he conceded with a hoarse whisper, "I have no control with you…Jesus Nat, what you do to me…"

He crushed her to him, their tongues dueling, sweeping and John walked her backwards to the bed. Nat felt the mattress and John simply pushed her down. He knelt on the floor between her thighs and ran his long fingers up both sides stopping short of his goal. He guided her legs over his shoulders and slowly parted her plump lips with his thumb and index finger applying the barest amount of pressure to both sides of her highly sensitive bud. Natalie moaned, and her legs stiffened with the rush of white hot longing that turned her liquid. Her hands were above her head and when John circled his tongue around her, Natalie's back arched and her hands twisted into the comforter as she held on for dear life.

"Oh my God John…" He kissed her, drawing her entirely into his mouth and tasting him on her and it was so erotic. He slid two fingers in and curled them up as he matched the rhythm of his tongue with the in and out motion at her sex. Nat couldn't stand it, she was so close and she rode his fingers shamelessly as John stroked her sweet spot expertly.

"Tell me when Nat, I want to hear you say it….'I'm coming John….I'm so _there_ John'…"

Natalie gasped, "You need to shut the fuck up first John." He laughed, "Jesus Nattie, you say the sexiest things." And then he brushed his tongue counterclockwise before he tugged her back into his mouth once again.

"Oh God, don't stop John…." He rubbed his teeth gently across the distended tip.

She cried out and pulled his mouth closer with her soft thighs, "I'm coming, John…I'm so _there_…" And he greedily drank her pleasure in and when she was done, Nat was limp in his arms as he covered her body with his own.

"Ahhh so sweet," John kissed her and Natalie loved the taste of her on him. He pinned her to the bed, holding her hands above her head as he pressed his rock hard erection into her. Natalie entwined her legs with his and John began to move, his hips and ass flexing with the strain as he set the perfect cadence over and over and over inside of her. Natalie's eyes were closed and she swayed her hips in answer so that their pelvises were in constant contact, the base of his erection connected to her. And she was so hot, wet, there…so John did not know where his body ended and hers began. They were one.

"Open your eyes Nat…yes, stay with me Nattie… baby, we're so close...Jesus it's so fucking good…" And they tumbled over the edge together their eyes and bodies locked.

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This time John waited to say it; waited until she was tucked securely against his side and nearly asleep with her face resting on his chest so she could feel the steady beating of his life beneath her cheek, content with the smell of John, the feel of John surrounding her. He was caressing her hair, and into the darkness he simply said, "You're my heart Natalie, there's no hope for it. I just love you."

"I won't hold it against you, I promise. Go to sleep John. Or I'm going to have to ravish you one more time."

John laughed and kissed her. "Night, babe. Go ahead and act all tough, but I know you love me too." Nat gently kissed his chest in answer, and within moments they were both fast asleep.

To be continued……


	11. Chapter 11 WARNING SOME SMUT

So many kind thoughts and I just can't adequately express how much I really appreciate everyone taking the time to post the reviews :) **_Just like the last time, if you are too young to read smut or just don't like smut follow the directions at the double lines!_** Enjoy!

**Chapter 11**

John woke with a start. When he opened his eyes he was disconcerted to find Justin standing in front of the bed, his thumb in his mouth and his favorite blanket clutched in his other hand. It took him a moment to process where he was and then he remembered how he got there. John nearly groaned out loud. Oh God, Natalie. Sometime in the night, they had changed positions and were now both lying on their sides, and John was curled completely around her, one arm securely holding her against him with his hand tucked intimately between her legs. The sheets barely covered a still sleeping Natalie, and it was obvious they were nude. When he and Justin made eye contact, Justin popped his thumb out of his mouth and grinned.

"Hi Daddy," he said in a loud stage whisper.

Christ, now what? John had his usual morning erection and couldn't very well get up and scare the hell out of the kid with his fully naked adult male body. And he didn't want to wake Natalie either. Then there was the added complication that when he did get out of bed, he had no boxers, no pants. Those items were still downstairs in the kitchen, on the floor, in front of the counter, where he had left them when he'd buried himself deep inside of Natalie and carried her over to the table…shit, maybe he was going to have to wake up Natalie after all.

And then John realized, he was the Daddy, the kind of Daddy who could ask his son to do something and he probably would. "Hey buddy. Good morning. Did you sleep okay?"

At Justin's nod, John smiled. Damn but that boy was cute...and he was his son...and Nattie's, and together, they had made him. On a night not unlike last night, full of hot, messy, totally life altering sex. This time it was even better. Copious amounts of alcohol were not involved so she couldn't claim it was fueled solely by the most powerful of sexual lubricants. Oh yeah, last night had been one for the record books, even for them. And holy shit, he was one very happy Daddy, and this morning, life was seriously good. With the feel of Natalie's gorgeously bare rounded ass fitting just so against his ready masculinity and everything they had said, done, coming flooding back to send his circumspection up in flames. Oh Jesus, better than seriously good…life was seriously fucking good.

John placed his index finger over his lips, "Shhh, Mommy's still sleeping. Let's try not to wake her, okay? I'll get up and we'll start breakfast in a minute. Can you wait for Daddy in your room?"

Justin nodded again and smiled big. "Good boy, go ahead and I'll come get you." And with his usual boundless energy, Justin ran out, trailing his blanket behind him.

Reluctantly, John untangled himself from Natalie. But he couldn't resist. So before he got out of bed, he smoothed her hair back from her face and dropped a soft kiss on her cheek.

"John."

"Go back to sleep Nat. I'll get up with Justin."

"What time is it?" Natalie rolled over, and the sheet pulled away treating him to an enticing view of her nakedness turned rosy in the dawn light. Her hair was mused and spread out in a copper fan across her pillow and her eyes were limpid, her lips swollen from his kisses. John pulled the sheet up because if he didn't, Justin wasn't going to get any breakfast.

"The usual Justin time, six-ten."

"I can get up if you need me to."

"I'm already awake, and if I don't get up, Justin is going to be the victim of parental neglect."

Nat smiled and turned back over, snuggling into her pillow. "Well then, I'll let you take on this one."

John went into the bathroom and came out a few minutes later with a towel wrapped securely around his hips. Nattie watched him with blatant devotion as he walked out of the bedroom, completely oblivious to her scrutiny. He was so beautiful, and she supposed she should probably regret what had happened last night. And Natalie was terribly guilt ridden for her role in the first part and wasn't sure if she could ever atone for her words or actions. But the second part...it was John and her, and for Natalie there had never been any instance when she could resist his raw male sexuality. John effortlessly tapped the wellspring of her sensuality so she did and said things with him she would never do or say with any other man. Nattie burrowed deeper into the covers. After almost a year, she was not sorry and was mystified by the providence which led her to abandon her self-imposed celibacy with John in such a wildly erotic way - and oh God, but she was so damn happy to be sore in all the right places.

"Daddy, you have no pants!"

"Yeah, I do Justin, they're downstairs and I'll get 'em as soon as we get you some cereal. How about toast too?"

Natalie laughed softly. Nothing like a two year old to call it like it was and humble you to the core. She was wide awake and decided she may as well get up too. Stepping over John's shirt, socks, and her discarded sun dress, Natalie went into her bathroom. She couldn't help but wonder, would it show? She examined herself with as much objectivity as she could muster. Despite all her best attempts to withstand John's constant buffeting, she was head over heels, unquestionably profoundly back in love with that man and consequently twisted up, so it literally could not be undone. And he'd said it, not once but twice and he really didn't need to do that because she would have been with him again and again without it; taken him inside of her, and shared the breadth and depth of her feelings. But now it was morning and how much had changed and was it problematic if it had? Natalie swept through her tousled hair with her brush. Heaven help her, but no. She could not cut herself adrift, not at this juncture. No matter if it was said accidentally, unintentionally in the exhilaration of all that passion. Just being with him, Natalie could admit it now, was indeed enough. She'd done the alternative, and she was decidedly finished with that option. There was no other hope for it, without John she was only marking the passage of time.

When she came through the archway into the kitchen, her gaze instantly lighted on John. He was at the table, in nothing but his threadbare jeans, his long hair finger combed and he was sitting almost at the exact spot where he'd set her down, just before he'd started to skillfully move, bringing them closer and closer. Natalie tried vainly to get the image of his straining body out of her mind, but she couldn't and a spiral of wonderfully naughty lust curled through her belly to pool with liquid heat into her center. Natalie quickly went over to the coffee pot and filled her mug. She splashed a liberal portion of real sweet cream into the strong dark brew, and breathed deeply to compose her sizzling nerves.

Oh yeah, he'd seen her right off, the second she'd stepped into the room. Natalie was poured into a turquoise square neck sweater which accentuated her many curvy attributes and deepened the already cobalt blue color of her eyes. She had paired that arresting pullover top with a pair of the softest, faded, rear hugging, hip enhancing, rattily stunning pair of jeans John had ever seen. And as she crossed the room to the coffee pot, John found himself thinking about the delicately sheer black silk panties he had stuffed into his right back pocket. The panties he had removed, tossing them carelessly aside to land in the nearly exact same spot where she was standing now and idly stirring cream into her coffee, as he'd proceeded to touch her intimately. His body reacted instantly and he reached for his coffee to stave off a searing need to grab her and slide that denim off her and do what they were so good at doing over and over.

"Mommy!" Justin held his spoon up and dribbled milk down his hand and arm as he called to his mother in greeting. Nattie laughed and came into the nook to set her coffee cup on the table.

"Morning my baby. Whatcha eating? Oh, nice. I see Daddy gave you fruity O's." Natalie held her hand to his forehead and then smoothed his unruly hair away from his face. He was obviously fine, and she kissed him repeatedly on his cheek and nibbled down his neck until Justin screamed with laughter.

"No more Mommy!" And Justin squirmed away.

"How about me? Do I get good morning kisses?" John circled her wrist with his long fingers and pulled Natalie down onto his lap. She had showered and she smelled wonderfully spicy with an undertone of sweet and he breathed deeply. It was her signature scent, a combination of her favorite very expensive perfume and the warmth of her milky skin. Altogether Natalie; and for the rest of his life, John was sure he would be an endless slave to the absolute visceral response her femininity aroused in him. John rested his forehead against hers, swamped with the pleasure of being so close to her and appreciative that at last, he could do so at any time.

Nattie couldn't look at him and she was surprised by how self-conscious she felt. The issue was the first part and her residual shame over her anger and fear, and the things she had said, things she didn't know if in the light of day John could actually forgive. Worse, she had struck him, knowing John's own harsh words had really been in reaction to his pain. Natalie understood that and should have handled it so much better. For John, the only emotion he was comfortable with presenting was anger and when he was hurt, he was furious. Natalie sighed, this is what she hated, the obligatory morning after ambiguity as the deferred payment for the few hours of the really, really great stuff.

John picked up on her reticence immediately. Damn, this was not what he wanted. He was pretty sure where it was coming from, and it wasn't about how they always made up after one of their legendary fights. But he could fix it and he would work his ass off to perfect the fragile feelings they were not quite willing to admit they'd always had. And from where he was sitting, it was useless for either of them to apologize about anything because they were both right.

John's voice was low, in control. "I'll say it again Natalie. It's the same this morning, nothing has changed. I love you. All the negative shit that led up to this, it's done – forgotten. I don't want to discuss it again and neither should you." And John coiled his hand at the base of her throat as he took her mouth with his, kissing her deeply, gently. Then there it was, the quickening of her pulse beneath his thumb that matched his own and told him she was so his.

When he broke the kiss, he ran his fingers through her hair. "I need you to talk to me Nattie. Tell me you're not going to take Justin and run from me again."

She shook her head. "Even if I wanted to, would it do me any good? Your network of spies conspiring against me is almost as extensive as mine against you. And I'm beginning to think your chief spy is Sabrina."

John didn't say anything, he really didn't need to. He'd made it more than clear she belonged to him, and he would pursue her to the ends of the earth before he would ever let her tear them apart again.

Natalie admitted her truth quietly, "I'm in pain John; I'm so in love with you that it hurts. And I'm scared...what if..."

John cut her off, "Jesus Natalie. You don't get to say that you love me in one breath then ruin it with doubts in the next. I've waited too long. Can't I at least bask in it for minute? Sort of try it on, revel in it? Let's attempt this again." John slowly brought her mouth into contact with his, just the barest caress of their lips.

"First I say, 'Baby I've never felt this way and until you came into my life, I didn't know what it really meant to feel undamaged. You and Justin are a part of me. And if you ever have misgivings about how much I love you, am in love with you, you only have to feel what being close to you does to my heart.'" And John took Natalie's hand and laid it on his bare chest, covering it with his own so the rapid tattoo was transmitted through the palm of her hand and straight to her soul. "Then you say…"

Natalie laid her other hand along his jaw where she had so forcefully slapped him the previous night, but this time her touch was warm, gentle, lingering. And she looked deeply into his sky-blue eyes. "I didn't know how lonely inside I could be without you. If not for your gift of Justin, I would have never found my strength to make it through. I'm so in love with you and it fills me completely so that there is no space for anything in my life that doesn't begin and end with the two of you. And you are the only man who ever has, or will ceaselessly have, the whole of me."

John swallowed hard, "And finally I say, 'We can do this together Natalie, I know we can. You just have to stay with me, be with me, trust me.'" And then he kissed her, tasted her, and within an instant, they were caught up in the constancy of who they were and always would be to each other and it rocked them with an almost agonizing longing. John slanted his mouth more fully over Natalie's and he breathed her breath into his lungs. Deliberately, slowly Nattie ran her palms up his chest. John couldn't stop himself, he pulled her closer and seductively ground his hips into her sweet, soft derriere so she was acutely, deliciously mindful of how rapidly she drove him beyond control.

"Daaadeee!"

They came apart, and John had to clear his throat before he inquired, "Yes, Jus?"

The look on the boy's face was pure bewilderment, "You kiss my Mommy?"

John was clearly thrown off guard and when he turned to Natalie, she shrugged and said, "...he asked you."

John swore under his breath before he answered, "Uh, yeah buddy...I was kissing Mommy. Is that okay with you?"

Justin's brow furrowed in the same way as his father when he was lost in serious thought. Then he nodded his head slowly, as if he wasn't certain he was making the right decision.

"You sure?" John had to ask.

"Yes! Can I get down now, pwease?" Justin raised his grubby hands.

John loosened his hold and Natalie stood up and went into the kitchen to get one of Justin's wash cloths from the drawer next to the sink, grateful for her son's stellar timing and the opportunity to put some space between her and John. After last night, everything was changed not the least of which was John's solemn determination to really make an effort at being together. But they were in unexplored territory and it was a potentially dangerous place for their son and Natalie felt compelled to remind John of that. If they simply couldn't make a go of it, despite all the love and passion between them, it was ultimately Justin who was going to truly suffer.

"Wow Nattie, I think we may have dodged a bullet." John reached over and grabbed his coffee cup.

Natalie wrung out the cloth and returned to the nook to clean up Justin. She gently held him with one arm and as soon as she started to wash his face, Justin began to wriggle from side to side trying to avoid his mother's thorough attentions.

"Hold still, you know you're not getting down until I get you washed up." She calmly captured one of his grimy hands and proceeded to get the sticky milk and cereal from between his fingers and down his forearm. As she worked, she shot a glance in John's direction.

"Maybe we should be a little more - I don't know - discreet..." Natalie let her voice trail off. She was almost afraid to say it out loud pretty sure John was not going to agree with her. And she knew it wasn't going to be easy given how fast they could send their senses into spontaneous combustion anytime they thought they were alone.

John watched as Natalie cared for Justin. As she finished tidying him up, she kissed both his cheeks soundly and lifted him down from his booster chair. The sunlight streaming in through the bay turned her into a brilliantly lit beauty, her hair the color of autumn with all the deepest hues of gold and crimson woven and blended through the silky strands. Her cheeks were naturally flushed, and she had opted for just the barest hint of makeup, a single coat of soft brown mascara to lengthen her lashes and a dusting of powder across her temple and nose to accent her flawless skin. Damn, but it never would get old just looking at her.

After Justin had gamboled off to the family room and his toy box, John got up from the table and came behind Natalie to encircle her in his arms. He rested his chin on her shoulder.

"Okay Nattie, lucky for you I feel so fucking good that I'll indulge you. And I'll even go one step further and say I really do understand, you're a girl – not just any girl but my Natalie and you can't help yourself. So, we'll analyze this one more time. Natalie, we've been doing this for weeks now. He already knows. And this morning, we, his parents, established that there is simply one more layer to our relationship. It's who we are babe, outside of our son. Granted, Justin became aware of the added circumstance in a pretty big way. First, he saw us in bed, naked and since I've a hunch he can't remember the last time he's seen you flagrantly bare assed with a man it was probably a bit daunting. And then I kissed you, really kissed you because it's what I need to do Nat. I'm a guy – it's how I communicate; because my words will never come out right to tell you what you do to me, to say I've chosen you to own my soul, and how that's the way it will always be. And God help us, but you incite that in me, with every saucy twitch of your hips, the way you smile at me, tease me, make love with me. Jesus Nattie, it'll be years if ever, before we get enough of each other so that we could even manage discreet. Give it time, and Justin will basically accept every thing we do as simply defining what is us."

Natalie sighed. God but she loved him. She turned in his arms and wrapped hers around his neck and kissed him, really kissed him. It was so unexpected, so sexy that John was helpless and he groaned into her mouth. And when it was over, she laid her cheek on his chest and felt with such infinite happiness the uncontrolled beating of his heart. "Okay, you're right John. It's all or nothing because I'm no better at discretion than you, not when it comes to how I feel about you…what you do to me."

John was genuinely surprised. "Jesus, you're killing me Nattie, seriously? Just like that 'You're right John'? Well hell, if that's all it takes, maybe there actually is something to this talking thing…"

She kissed his chest, then his throat, and his mouth. Natalie smiled as his whole body stiffened with pleasure beneath her touch. "Mmmm…I like the incite part…it's what I need to do with you too."

"Goddamn Nat, but you just love to play dirty. All right then, one of two things needs to happen today. We either get a babysitter for that cute kid over there so I can have you naked and all to myself or we get out of this house. I vote for getting out of the house, going on a family date where we tire him out so he'll sleep through the whole night, and I still get to have you naked and all to myself, only later."

"So, what do you have in mind?"

"Hockey, the playoffs Natalie. We spend the day in Philly. I've got tickets from one of my clients and it'll be fun. Cheese steak, beer, french fries, nachos. And lots of stairs for Justin to run up and down. After the game, we'll go out to dinner at Guido's. You love the gnocchi and I can ply you with wine, get you mellow and in the mood. By the time we arrive back home, Justin will be ready for bed and so will we. What do you think?"

Natalie tilted her head and looked at John for long seconds. "You really want to go don't you?"

"Not without the two of you."

"So, I say we go, but on one small condition. We take the SUV."

"What's wrong with the GTO?"

"Nothing. But that black beast doesn't have dual climate control, a six CD changer, DVD player, moon roof, leather seats, and a whisper quite interior. If we are going all that way with our two year old, I'm not sacrificing reasonable luxury for your need to be cool."

John looked offended, "What's wrong with cool? Damn Nattie, that car is a classic."

"I hate to tell you this, but when word gets out you're back with your ex-mess and spending every waking moment with a toddler and loving it, cool is kinda not going to be how Llanview will describe you. Besides, I"ve grown accustomed to and like my creature comforts. There are distinct advantages to being able to purchase some things which are the best Buchanan money can buy…" Natalie blushed furiously, but it was too late.

John's eyes narrowed and he held her at arms length. Christ but that was the truth of it; the house, the car, the lifestyle - pure Buchanan, and only one Buchanan could take credit as the architect. Goddamn, but he was all kinds of fool. None of this was Banks. It was pure unadulterated Natalie, and if he hadn't been so jealous and angry he would have seen that. Shit, they were going to have to revisit this, because it changed everything. If Nattie was the keeper of the household coffers, than where was all of Jared's money earned during his tenure as the Chief Financial Officer for BE? And if Jared had been voting Nattie's BE interests, did that translate into potentially capitalizing his money via insider trading in the Pacific Rim subsidiaries, and with TVE in particular? Had he been helping himself to a dangerous pre-divorce settlement? John couldn't go there, not today - today it was essential it was about them. He wasn't ready to walk that jagged edge with Natalie and explain how he needed her to tell him everything about Jared. Not yet, not when it was all so precarious and he could still lose her...John pulled her back into his arms again and held her close against his body.

"Okay, we'll travel into Philly in your lavishly equipped totally girly SUV - but I'm driving. Damn Nattie, you're going to turn me into the guy who's with the pretty young soccer mom aren't you? So much for my hard won hard bitten reputation. Well, now that we've got that settled, I'll take a shower and when I'm done, want to get going? We have to make a stop by the Angel's Square Hotel to pick up the tickets and I need some stuff if I'm staying here tonight."

Natalie nodded against his chest and breathed deep of his scent. As far as she was concerned, he smelled damn good just the way he was. But she would let him go, only because she needed to get Justin ready and his bag packed. Still, it would almost be worth it to call Nash and deal with the smug I-told-you-so just to have a babysitter for the day.

When they were at last on their way and walking up the driveway, Natalie handed him her keys.

"This is my baby, so you'd better be nice. Or the only one who will be driving today will be me."

John scoffed, "Like that's going to happen. Nat, you and I both know you're a terrible driver. How many tickets have you gotten in the past two years?"

"Parking tickets don't count right?" John arched an eyebrow in disbelief as he shot her a look over the top of his shades. "Okay, I've slowed down some; after all I am a mother and have become actually pretty responsible with my driving…"

"How many Nattie?"

"Three, but the last one I should have fought in court. Even Uncle Bo said that Officer Denton was having a bad time since it was the week his wife left him for another man and all."

John laughed, "That's being responsible? " He strapped Justin in his car seat and then slid behind the leather trimmed wood grain steering wheel.

"What the hell? Jesus this is like the cockpit of a 747…what did you do, get every electronic option known to man?" He started the vehicle and had to admit the engine was ultra quiet and just purred. When he slipped it into reverse, the backup camera shot a picture of his route to the navigation system screen. John whistled.

"Told you. Just wait till you get it out on the road, you won't want to mess with that rumbling beast."

"All right, I'll give you that a few of the features might be, and the operative word here is might be, sort of cool. But nothing can beat the top end of the GTO."

Natalie smiled with smug knowledge, "Yeah, well, you'll see."

Goddamn, but she was right. John couldn't believe it when he ran through all five gears in the automatic transmission seamlessly. Within seconds, he was doing 60 miles per hour and at 85 miles per hour, the 270 horsepower engine was hardly tacking at 2 grand and it was delivering a smooth, noiseless highly stabilized ride.

And Natalie was sitting in the seat next to him, with her arms crossed, drumming her fingers.

John sighed with exasperation, "Did you have to get it in such a pansy assed candy apple red color? Couldn't you have chosen something like a nice silver, or white, or hell I don't know, maybe even black?"

"It's called Matador Red Mica McBain, and it's beautiful. Didn't your mother ever teach you, if you can't say something nice, well – you know."

"Son of a bitch, it's a sports car packaged like an SUV with enough toys to keep even you happy. Are you satisfied?" But the corners of John's mouth were lifting.

The stop at the Angel's Square Hotel was brief and Justin and Natalie didn't even bother to get out of the car. Before long, they were finally out of Llanview and out on the open highway toward Philadelphia. Natalie popped a DVD into the player. John settled into the seat and listened to Nattie singing songs and interacting with Justin and his Sesame Street DVD happily for the duration of the trip into the city. He even managed to join them in one spirited rendition of Kermit's famous 'It's Not Easy Being Green' and both Natalie and Justin had clapped with approval and called for an encore.

When they got into the stadium they stopped off first thing for snacks, soda for Justin, and two ice cold beers for John and Natalie. John took Natalie's hand and when they followed the numbers on the tickets, they were shocked and thrilled to find their seats were two rows up from the boards just to the right of the Philadelphia Flyers penalty box.

Once they got settled in Nattie had to ask, "What did you do for this client? Must have been something if he comped you seats like this."

John minimized his abilities with his usual cool, "Just tracked down someone who owed him some money, that's all – no big deal really."

John sat with Justin standing between his legs holding his own cup full of slushy orange soda with both his hands, as John fed him with his fingers from his styrofoam plate of nachos and interspersed bites of his cheese steak. Father and son were completely focused on each other, and Justin's eyes reflected his abject adoration of the big man who so devotedly cared for him. Natalie thought her heart was going to come apart it was so brimful with love. She never could have predicted this, the bonding between them all which from this day forward, would solidify them decisively as a family. And John was content, had been for a while now. She watched them talking to each other, Justin bobbing his head as he opened his mouth like a baby bird for another sloppy bite of John's sandwich. Gone were the lines of strain from around John's eyes, and he smiled and laughed with a frequency she had never known him to have before. Natalie would be forever altered because she had done this, made their son with this man and brought him into the world – and in the course of it they released John with their light from his darkness.

When they were finished eating, John took several napkins and carefully wiped Justin's face and hands. Together, they took the trash to the nearest receptacle, and John held Justin up so he could deposit his fair share. Then John picked him up and put him on his shoulders and the two went down to the plexiglas to get a closer look at the action. The Flyers right winger literally slammed the opposing offense into the boards about 5 yards from where John and Justin were standing. He ground the opposition against the wall, hip and cross checking until the puck was squeezed out. The ref called the penalty, and the winger skated his way into the box to cool his heels during the four-minute count.

"Yo, cute kid you got there. What's his name?" He wiggled his fingers at Justin who smiled and waved back.

"Justin."

"Hey J-man, the next goal is for you," and when the timekeeper gave him the signal, he jumped the penalty box and was back on the ice.

"Thanks, man. Kick some ass while you're at it too."

Within minutes, the Flyers scored again, and along with the rest of the Philly fans, John was shouting excitedly and tossing Justin with enthusiasm high into the air, and every instant of Justin giggling, his hair flying wildly was projected larger than life on the stadium Trinitron.

"Jesus Nat, did you see that? Damn what a play! Tell Mommy, that one was for you!"

"You better be careful McBain," Natalie warned. "Shake him up like that much more and he's liable to barf on you."

John stopped and turned to stare at her with disbelief, leaving Justin briefly suspended above his head in mid air.

Natalie wagged her finger at him. "Serious. First you stuffed him with greasy and spicy junk food, and then you topped him off for good measure with enough carbonation to ensure an unhappy outcome. He's two, John. You're treading a fine line now that you've probably overloaded his system."

John dropped into the seat next to her, balancing Justin on his knee. "Tell Mommy she's crazy, you wouldn't barf on me…"

Justin burped loudly, then covered his mouth after the fact. "Scuse me!"

John threw back his head and laughed. He set Justin down before he took Natalie's hand in his, "I stand corrected. " And then he brought it to his lips, gently kissing her palm.

"PDAs? Who are you and what did you do with my John McBain?" Her eyes were sparkling happily and she was smiling at him with that straight from her soul and an arrow through his heart, God but she took his breath away, thousand megawatt smile. This was his Natalie, exquisitely and completely in love. And he was the guy who had made it so.

John leaned in and shamelessly ran his mouth up her jaw to breathe into the shell of her ear. "Awww baby, see what happens when you give a man smoking hot sex, and then tell him you love him."

Natalie laughed. But John wasn't finished. He kissed her mouth, lingering just enough to be slightly indecent. "Doesn't hurt either that you're beautiful, the mother of my son, and a delightful little hussy when you want to be."

"Is that all it's going to take McBain to keep you human? A little sex and the admission that I'm madly in love with you? Pretty easy duty I'd say."

"Oh no babe, this is without question going to require a life sentence and it's too bad if you're not up to it. Fair warning, you're just going to have to suck it up and suffer through my attention.

"Promises, promises."

"I've got time to persuade you…In the short term, I think I'd probably better take J-man to the bathroom. Want another beer?"

Natalie nodded. "Sure. And hurry back with that attention…"

As Natalie focused her concentration back on the game, she felt someone at her shoulder. When she turned an older woman smiled at her. "Honey, I just wanted to say you are one lucky girl. That man is crazy about you and he adores your little boy. You hang on tight, what you have with your husband the rest of us can only dream about. Mine never looked at me like that even when we were first married. And yours, well good heavens! You're about the only thing he obviously sees."

Natalie started to tell her John was not her husband, but she stopped herself short. What difference did it make? She was more married to John than she had ever been in actuality with Jared. And for today, it was sublime; he belonged to her as much as she had always belonged to him. And really, wasn't that the raison d'être, the validation of her being? Natalie had known for ever and from the very start, she'd been made for John McBain.

After the game, John took them out for dinner to her very favorite Italian restaurant. She ordered the gnocchi in a sumptuous sauce smoky with gorgonzola and John chose sweet sausage and peppers that he loaded into a crusty fresh baked roll. They ate from each other's plates and alternately fed Justin who sat happily between them. When the waitress cleared the table, they lingered, Natalie finishing her wine and John enjoying the last of his beer and the view.

And then it caught his eye, the glint of the band in the candle light which represented an irrelevant commitment he never should have let her make. John took her hand across the table and turned the circle of gold and diamonds on her finger. Without saying a word, he locked eyes with her and gently removed the ring, setting it on the table between them.

"Let's go home Natalie."

She nodded and John rose to pick up their son and settle him against his side. Supporting Justin with one strong forearm, he held out his other hand. She laced her fingers with his, and without looking back, they stepped out of the eatery and into their life.

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Later, when they were finally home and Natalie had undressed a sleeping Justin and tucked him in, she came across the upstairs gallery to find John was already waiting for her, stunningly nude, sitting up in her queen sized bed with his hands behind his head, a wrapped condom mischievously between his teeth. Nat tore off her sweater, and let it fall to the carpet. Slowly, she unbuttoned her jeans and lowered the zipper. She turned her back to him, tossed her long fall of burgundy hair and shimmied her hips as she peeled the soft denim and then her nearly transparent white silk panties off of her luscious curves. Natalie reached behind her back and unhooked the matching lace bra; slowly she pirouetted around to face him, letting the straps fall from her shoulders and down her arms.

John growled, "Jesus, Natalie…"

She came onto the bed, taking the condom from his mouth.

"For later, uh, well, because I thought it probably would be a good idea if we were a little more careful."

Natalie ripped open the package and proceeded to fish out the prophylatic. "Excellent idea. But I don't need any more foreplay, and evidently neither do you." She took him into her hands.

"Nattie, you're fucking killing me...what are you talking about?"

She straddled him, placing her hands on his shoulders. "It's been constant all day John…I can't take any more, the looks, the touching, kissing, all that sharing, and the unrelenting awareness of your big beautiful body always in my space …this is what I need. Now, no more conversation unless it's something sinfully sexy." Natalie began to writhe in a precise and sinuous rhythm.

John sucked in his breath, his hands on her hips, his fingers flexing as he tried to gain control. "Ahhh, stop, stop, Nattie…God I just need to feel you…stay like this…for just a little while."

She leaned in and kissed him, holding her body completely still with the exception of her mouth and her sweeping tongue making love to him only the way Natalie could.

"Okay, you've tormented me enough. You can go back to doing that other thing again; you know the one I like. Oh yeah Nattie, that's the one."

A little while later, John started the play all over again. But this time, it was slow, sweet as he worshiped her with his mouth, his hands, his sex and deliberately took them to the edge, only to pull them back and then bring them there yet again until Natalie was nearly crazy with the yearning and he was soaked with sweat. Afterward, they lay together, their limbs intertwined, their bodies shuddering with the aftermath of the firestorm. John buried his face in her neck, and he tenderly bit her pulling the soft flesh just above her clavicle into his mouth, unable to stop himself from leaving a small mark.

"Natalie, you are so fucking mine…I swear I didn't know it would be like this."

"I love you too McBain."

And they finally slept.

The third time, John woke her with his mouth taking hers.

"John."

"I need you Natalie." He gently eased her leg over his hip, opening her to him. They were shrouded in the shadows, awash in their senses and the love; the touch of his fingers brushing the hair from her cheek, the tang of the skin Natalie savored at the base of his throat, the exotic spice that filled John's nostrils. He held her in his arms, the length of his body down the length of hers, aching with the whispered confessions and the sighs of pleasure carried softly in the dark…

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"Oh no, no, no! Jesus Christ, not again! Doesn't that asshole ever sleep?" The man threw his head phones on the counter in front of him. "I need to get out of here, have a smoke. You deal with it this time."

His partner smirked. "Obviously, you didn't pay very close attention when we had the opportunity to see the widow Banks in person. I'd do it more than a few times in a night if she was in my bed and I was young enough. Besides, it's the pillow talk we're after."

"Fine, call me when they get there. But you know, the boss is not fucking going to like this turn of events. And we don't have near enough yet to move forward with the rest of the plan. But after this, you and I both know he's going to press picking up the pace. Goddammit, he's not paying enough to deal with this shit."

The second man laughed at his partner's tension. "Man, you need to get laid. Calm down, we'll deal with the boss when we get there. I say this added complication gives us exactly what we need to re-negotiate the terms of our continued association. And it may be awhile before we have a clear shot anyway…it's not likely McBain is going to let her out of his sight any time soon. But when he does, we'll be ready."

To be continued……


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks everyone for your patience in waiting for this next chapter…it's a very busy time of year for me and finding time to devote to this has been challenging! As always, you have no idea how much your kind support is absolutely respected and valued!! Enjoy as the second phase of John and Natalie's journey is finally under way.

**Chapter 12**

John lay in bed listening to the rain pelting the roof in a steady torrent. He was tired, but not ready to fall back asleep more so wanting to simply be in the deceptively passive stillness of this moment with his son sprawled out across his bare chest, his little arms dangling down on either side of John's torso, and for once his thumb not in his mouth. He shifted Justin just slightly and John marveled at how something so small could generate so much heat…and how that heat could manage to seep deeply into his bones, into every cell of his body infusing him with a sense of his own purpose, love, and immortality. And Natalie…the rightness of her sharing his pillow, curled up beside him her hand on his arm, her soft even breathing stirring John's hair against his neck. The scene was so ordinary, normal. It cut him to his soul and sent a frisson of fear and cold dread straight into his gut. John had waited his entire adult life for this, and the black Irish in him knew he wasn't charmed and probably wouldn't get to keep it; a family, a son and maybe another child, and existent love with a woman who would love him back till the end of his time. He understood it now, felt what had just unmistakably transpired with each beat of his heart, he'd been forewarned.

He and Nattie had been drifting off to sleep for the second time, wrapped in each other, happy, and finally sated if only for a little while. And in that second before sleep claimed him, John, with a staggering clarity had become conscious that it was all widely different this time. He'd loved Natalie before, thought himself in love with her; yet this, this was something else altogether. It consisted of a profundity and intensity of emotion John did not even know was conceivable, or that he could in actuality feel. It was physical, palpable and Natalie felt it too, in tandem and lockstep so their connection was now forged of tempered steel. He would never be the same and neither would she. It was a covenant only they could share, would ever share, together and with their children. And it had taken them so long to get here, making a love which defined life, his life and Nattie's life, instantly and everlastingly fused into one. It transformed him to his core, and for the first time, John was cognizant of how it truly felt to be his father. The symmetry of being gifted with a parallel existence was nothing short of a miracle. Then it was there, the first white hot blaze of lightening, followed by a crack of thunder so deafening it had rattled the windows in their panes. The sudden onset and the violence of the spring storm had seemed like an omen and only reinforced his dark and dismal perspective on life. Nothing good could come from being given so much happiness.

The clouds had swirled over the Llantano River valley as the winds could not decide which direction to originate from, and there was so much lightening, for over an hour the rumbling never stopped. Natalie had gotten up to bring Justin into their bed, worried that the magnitude of the storm would scare him. With the onslaught of the strikes the electricity was knocked out and Nattie had thrown the shutters wide open so the three of them could sit in bed viewing the spectacular light show performed with absolute power through the panorama of the bay windows. She'd turned it into a game with Justin, counting the flashes, critiquing the resonance of the booms. John had stayed silent. He knew it was an admonition, a prescient of what would come. Today had been too good; he had staked his claim to his family, let his guard down, and Nattie had celebrated his efforts with her body and a permanent place for him inside her heart. For his part, John was peaceful and it was so incongruent, the antithesis of who he was, so that once more – he knew he was tempting fate and would have to pay for every smile, every sigh of pleasure, every succeeding day of joy from this point forward. But, as John lay in the dark listening to the now diminishing fall of the rain drops on the roof, with his Natalie and his son touching his body so sweetly, crowding him in their sleep and reminding him he was never going to be alone; he would be damned if he would lose any part of this without a brutal struggle that would rival the violence from the now passing storm. The threat was there, the risk was real, of that he was certain even if he did not know from what source it would come. And as he finally drifted off to sleep, John vowed with his own life in his first solemn bargain with God, he would be ready.

Justin was singing softly to his own made up rhythm, "Mooomeee, Mommy, Mooomeeee, Mommy, Daaadeee!" John opened one eye and smiled. The bedroom was bathed in light, and John and Natalie were facing each other, with Justin lying on his back and sandwiched in between. Natalie had been watching him sleep as she'd been stroking Justin's hair, her face a study in quiet beauty. Everything that had passed between them over the course of two nights and a day was reflected in her deep blue eyes and it was so real, so persuasive that John's heart turned over in his chest. They were going to do this, and he would wake up with her not just yesterday and today, but tomorrow, next week, year after year. The promise was in Nattie's own soft smile. Together they would raise this son, and would fill their days with the conventional, bordering on uninteresting and would be all the happier for it because the enormity of just being one was exciting enough.

John brushed a stray lock of Nattie's hair from her cheek with the back of his hand. "I see he's awake."

"Yes, and being such a good boy too. What time is it?"

John looked at the clock on the bedside table over Nattie's shoulder, but the time was clearly inaccurate from the power outage during the night. He checked his watch.

"You're never going to believe it, but it's 9:30 Natalie."

"No! I thought it was a little late, but 9:30? I don't think I've slept past seven since Justin was born. Are you hungry little man? Should we get up and have breakfast? How about waffles?" Natalie held Justin's face in her hand and kissed him on his cheeks multiple times. Justin giggled and wrapped his arms around his mother's neck surrendering to Nattie's affection.

John took great pleasure in watching her lavishly adore their son, care for him. There was no doubt Natalie's unending attachment to the boy was an extension of her love for him, that only his son could have stirred the deep maternal instincts which radiated from Nattie to nurture their son in tenderness and love. And it was the same for him; Justin was so easy to fall in love with because he was thoroughly Natalie from his sunny disposition to his open delight at life and his stubborn refusal to be deterred when he really wanted something. John had to smile, if he was completely honest, that last trait was pure McBain.

Justin turned over and grinned at his father, kicking his feet in his usual just can't stay still I'm all boy boundless excess of adorably cute energy.

"Hmmmm, maybe I can't wait for waffles, maybe I'm actually hungry for a bite of little boy for breakfast…" John scooped Justin into his arms and rolled him over with him and then pinned him to the bed. Slowly, wiggling his fingers while the whole time Justin was screeching and giggling in anticipation, John lifted up his t-shirt and then munched on his belly. Justin screamed with laughter.

"No, Daddy! No! Mommy!"

"Whaaaaat?" John raised his head slightly. "Do you think your Mommy is going to help you?"

Justin was giggling deliriously so he could hardly answer. "Yeees!"

"Oh no. I don't think so…I'll eat her too!"

John flipped over and in one smooth move had Natalie trapped beneath him. Her eyes were shining, "Don't even think about it!"

John didn't say a word; he just snarled and lowered his head, his hair caressing her face. And then his mouth was so there, at the sensitive spot just below her ear, tickling her and driving her crazy while the whole time he was growling and carrying on for Justin's benefit. Natalie was laughing uncontrollably.

"No Daddy! Don't eat my Mommy…kiss my Mommy!" Justin had climbed up onto John's back and was clinging to his shoulders.

"What if I kiss you?"

John reached around and slipped Justin's wiggling little body between him and Natalie, kissing him on his cheeks, nibbling on his neck, arms, and tickling the soles of his slender feet. When he looked up, John was caught in the net of perfect love cast from Natalie's eyes, the serene smile on her lips. With no preamble, she wrapped her arms around his neck, slowly drawing his mouth to hers. And she kissed him, bringing him into her so that for a moment it was as if they were the only three people on the planet; a mother, a father, two lovers with the child they'd made squirming in between the crush of their bodies.

"Jesus Natalie…I'm not sure we should be doing this," and John buried his face in her neck breathing in the combined smells of his woman and his son. They broke apart so Justin could scramble out from between them, but he was content to continue crawling all over his father.

Natalie ran her fingers through John's hair, smoothing it out of his face. "Maybe you're right...but seriously John, I'm thinking eventually some of this intensity is bound to burn out and it's going to get a little easier. Don't you think?"

John laughed as he pulled her back into his arms, "I don't know Nattie, if I was a betting man, I'd say maybe in 50 years, but even then I wouldn't count on it." And in spite of what was sensible, he kissed her, dangerously tantalized her and him, sucking her tongue into his mouth knowing they really had no business treading such a heated path. But it was just so damn good, the interface and connectedness of their bodies to their hearts and essence and the promise of what they did to each other and would always do to each other.

"Oh God John, no fair," Natalie breathed against his lips, loving the scratchy feel of his stubble as John rubbed his cheek against hers.

"No, I expect it's not, but you started it." he teased in a low voice as he trailed hot wet kisses down her throat, laving the mark he'd left on her last night with the tip of his tongue. Natalie shivered as he brought his mouth back up to hers, and brashly took her with another searingly sexy kiss. And there was a light in John's eyes Natalie could almost never remember seeing there before, animate and alive with his soul smoldering and unmasked. He wanted her, needed her and he could show her, play with her and their son, be ill behaved and a complete scoundrel to be sure, but open every previously dark space and trust his vulnerability was safe and sheltered in her love.

Natalie could feel what she did to him, it was so pure that she couldn't help herself; she tumbled over the precipice and fell so deeply in love that for long seconds she forgot how to breathe. John witnessed it, the intrinsically flawless moment where Nattie relinquished the last of her uncertainties and eliminated the final barriers. He'd had no perception how much he'd needed to see this, know this. It was done. John would never leave her, and she would never leave him. And he was marrying her, because he wanted her with every fiber of his being to simply stand beside him as his wife. John cupped her face in his hand, felt himself drowning in the veracity of what they had done mirrored in the indigo blue of her eyes.

"No more kissing, Daddy! No more!" Justin was jumping up and down at the foot of the bed.

"One of us really should set a limit with him," Natalie observed without much conviction.

"So what are you saying Nattie," John was laughing. "I should behave like a grown up and stop him from jumping on the bed and telling us what to do?"

"Mmmm," Natalie nuzzled his chest reluctant for any part of this interlude to actually come to an end, but the as yet untamed native was clearly becoming restless. "I didn't hear Mommy in any part of that sentence; as a matter of fact I think I heard him say 'no more Daddy.' So it's only commonsense you should be the one to respond…besides we should get up, get dressed. "

John dropped a kiss on Nattie's mouth. "Both of you are a buzz kill, you know that? Can't believe I'm the one advocating irresponsibility and lecturing you on how to have fun. All right, yo, that's enough buddy." John sat up and reached for Justin at the foot of the bed.

"No!" He squirmed away from his father and dropped onto his rear, sliding off the bed and hitting the floor at a dead run.

John turned to Natalie clear disbelief and admiration for his son's physical prowess written all over his face. "Damn Nat, did ya see that? Shit, I'd better go get him." And John was sprinting after him in his boxer shorts, his own long dark hair flying.

Nattie got out of bed and pulled on her flannel lavendar plaid drawstring pj bottoms that matched her purple tank top and listened to her son's wild screams from downstairs as John chased him. She was bent over brushing her hair when John came back into the bedroom with Justin slung upside down over his shoulder swinging from side to side. Justin was grinning from ear to ear and absolutely having the time of his life, but then again, so was his father.

Natalie stood up and tossed her hair over her shoulder. That simple gesture nearly brought John to his knees. She was so exquisite and so altogether his. For a micro second, his pre-dawn foresight threatened to mar the moment. But he purposefully suppressed it, not willing to allow one pessimistic thought to tarnish the luster of an unblemished start to a brand new day...and life.

"Great McBain. That's indeed how you set a limit. Nothing like having two kids in the house. How do you expect him to take you seriously if you're basically four to his two?" But she was trying hard not to laugh at him, and positively was no more inclined to act the parent this morning any more than he was.

"Why Nattie, I'm just focusing my inner child…and I thought you'd be so pleased." John smiled at her with more male charm than any one man had a right to have as he unceremoniously dumped Justin onto the bed.

"Inner child my…"

"Now, now Nat watch what you say around the J-man." John was actually smirking.

Natalie rolled her eyes and didn't even try to hide her exasperation. "You have never had an inner child to channel McBain, more likely an inner instigator I'd say."

John outright laughed and grabbed Natalie, kissing her soundly. When he released her, he steered her towards the door. "Go make us some coffee, I'll corral Justin and get him dressed."

"Yes you will," Natalie threw out over her shoulder, "and wash his face and hands too."

"Damn bossy red-headed wench."

Natalie turned around and shot him a withering look. "You are so going to pay for that one."

Oh yeah, he sure as hell hoped so as he watched her twitching hips saunter out of the bedroom.

Nattie had just finished putting the coffee on when the doorbell rang. She surely wasn't expecting anyone, and no one even knew John was there. For a moment, she entertained the thought of just not answering it in the hopes whoever it was would just go away, but the bell rang a second time. As Nattie made her way up the hall, Justin was running down the stairs in nothing but his undies.

"Mommy! Someone here?!"

"Justin! Go back upstairs. How come you aren't dressed yet?" Nattie opened the door and was shocked to find her mother, immaculately groomed and coifed in her Sunday best powder blue wool suit standing in the outer entry.

"Mom!"

"Gamma!" and Justin was through the door and launching himself at his grandmother before Natalie had a chance to grab him.

"Well, my goodness! Somebody must have slept late this morning." Vicki cuddled Justin to her and scrutinized her daughter's own tousled appearance. "Hello darling. I see my fears were unfounded and the two of you are both fine. I tried to call you all day yesterday, but it appears you had your cell off and haven't picked up your messages yet."

Damn, why hadn't she checked her messages when they'd returned home last night? Oh, that's right…because she'd had six feet of totally naked sexy man waiting solely for her in her bed while their son had slept peacefully, obliviously to all the pleasurable distractions his parents were getting up to just across the gallery. Natalie's cheeks went up in flames at the memory.

"We sort of took a day for ourselves and went into the city," Natalie stammered. "I forgot I had my phone off. I'm sorry Mom, I didn't mean to worry you. You want to uh, come in?" Nattie was praying John would have enough sense to stay upstairs, but she forgot about the resident blabber mouth.

"My Daddy's here!" Justin offered as he pulled his beloved nana into the foyer.

Almost as if on cue, John came out onto the upstairs landing from the direction of the master bedroom, a towel around his neck and wearing only his jeans with the top button still undone, wiping shaving cream from under his jaw. "Hey Nattie was that the door...oh...Mrs. Davidson, good morning." His hair was wet, slicked back, and there was no question her mother had interrupted the most intimately cozy of morning routines.

Natalie shot a desperate look at John from behind her mother's back, but it was clearly too late. Vickie Davidson was smiling, and enjoying her daughter's discomfort. It served Natalie right, especially after everything she had put her family through over the past five days in her preposterous scheme to split herself apart from John McBain while she tried to keep him firmly entrenched as her son's hands on father. Vickie realized now that was out of the question, John would not abide anything less than an all inclusive package and from the start his objective had been to reclaim both Natalie and his son. She was as yet unconvinced this inevitable turn of events was the best life for her daughter and her precious grandson and was unfortunately an authority on the subject of the pain John McBain could inflict in the wake of his discomfort regarding his feelings. Vickie had picked up the pieces of her daughter's heart more than once, and judging from the state of affairs visibly laid out before her, she determined the situation unmistakably required closer examination. In order to do so, she needed to paint her daughter into a proverbial corner.

"I really didn't mean to intrude, and I was just on my way home from church, well - when you and Justin weren't there, it just seemed prudent to check on the two of you but I certainly don't want to stay if you are...busy."

Her mother's censorship was readily apparent and Natalie could feel herself blush an even deeper shade of pink. No, she hadn't been in church this morning. Had frankly not given her immortal soul even a passing thought because she had been up most of the night with the father of her nearly naked son; so that they had slept way past any decent time of the morning, and then lingered deliciously as the incandescence of who they were and the family they were becoming remained to warm them. And oh God, but she knew how transparently it showed they had engaged in bonding both physically and emotionally.

"Umm, you're not interrupting Mom," Natalie flat out lied. "Why don't you come into the kitchen and I'll fix you a cup of tea? I just put on some coffee and I was about to start breakfast."

"Are you sure darling?"

"Of course!" Natalie was dismayed to find she was a little bit too bright with her reply. So her penance was excessively overdue, and all Natalie could hope for was to simply brazen it out and anticipate her mother would understand; because after all, it was her and John, and if any two personified the expression " work in progress," it was them. So Natalie took a deep breath and took charge.

"Justin, upstairs now. You need to get dressed and I'm not going to tell you again."

He started to fuss, but John quickly squelched the beginnings of his tantrum. "You heard your mom, let's do it J-man, if I have to come get you, time out could be in your future."

Justin stood for just a moment in indecision, but as John started down the stairs, he thought better of it and ran up to meet him.

"J-man?" her mother asked as they made their way down the entrance hall.

"It's a long story Mom that begins and ends with the Flyers game yesterday. You would've had to have been there."

"Oh, and I'm to assume you and Justin were…along with John of course?" Vickie asked with genuine interest. As she situated herself at the kitchen table in Nattie's sun-drenched nook, and without missing a beat, she broached the subject outright. "Hmmmm, it seems you and John have mended your differences then."

Natalie set the kettle on the stove and turned up the fire. "It's complicated...it's John and me so nothing is easy. But for now, I'm just going to take it as it comes." She went to the freezer and took out Justin's favorite waffles and popped several into the toaster oven.

There was no point in skirting the issue so Vickie Davidson stated the obvious. "Well, I don't doubt the complexities, one of which surely must be Justin. And I have to tell you, it's what causes me a little bit of worry. I just don't want to see you wounded and this time, the hurt would be shared with your son."

Natalie pulled a jar of organic applesauce, brown sugar, and raisins from the pantry and set them on the counter. She refused to apologize for what she was doing with John. "I know, but it's fine really. It has to be...there is no me or John or Justin outside of us...we are just not whole if we're not together. So, like everyone else who finds themselves so tied up in love like this, we're just going to have to figure it out. I can't analyze this anymore Mom, it simply is, and it always has been."

John came into the kitchen with a now presentable Justin trailing behind. He'd heard nearly every word of the the last aprt of their exchange, and he knew how hard it was for Natalie to bring into the light of day what was really between them, admitting it was fragile, but theirs to explore, sustain. It meant she was taking ownership of her role in their past, forgiving him his, and moving forward with complete assurance and a leap of faith that he would always love her. He stood next to Natalie and gently took her hand, threading his fingers with hers and leaning in John squeezed reassuringly. "Why don't you go sit down and visit with your mom. I've got this."

"Are you sure?" She was so grateful for his support; and that he wasn't pulling back from the constraint of her Lord Buchanan family, represented with formidable deportment by its matriarch, now sitting at the breakfast table dissecting every move they made. And this grilling was really all her fault, because she was the one who had fled home to hide behind her mother when she should have been dealing with her feelings and her fears.

John nodded and kissed her cheek. "Yeah, go on."

The little tableau was not lost on Vicki, and she had to admit, it was a beginning; John openly sensitive to both Natalie and Justin. For a moment, Vickie had to wonder what two years of exile had done to John. Because that was surely what had happened, John banished by Natalie as she'd endeavored to build a life without him. And she had, with maturity and grace and poise. It showed in her inviting and lovely home, the way Natalie conducted herself at BE, how she had seemingly effortlessly given her son an ordered and safe place to grow and thrive, and in the marriage she had built with Jared which, despite its imperfections had been adult and without drama until his untimely death. Her priorities had transferred and it must have come as a tremendous shock to John that Natalie had outgrown her John-centric focus when for years he had taken all her loyalty, fierce love, and wildly arresting energy for granted. However, that had plainly shifted, and John seemed anything but impassive; and in direct contrast, Vickie could see distinctly and for the first time where he was wearing his heart, and it was firmly on his sleeve with Natalie and Justin's names written enduringly all over it. So, she sat back and enjoyed the display of her daughter deeply in love with a man who loved her wholly in return. It was all she'd ever wanted for her Natalie.

"Thank you darling. You know I so enjoy this green tea." Vickie smiled at Natalie as she set her mother's tea on the table along with the porcelain creamer. Natalie instantly relaxed. Her mother tacitly understood, and as they watched Justin sitting on the counter helping John outfit his cut up waffles with apple sauce, way too much brown sugar, and a handful of raisins, there was no doubt why Nattie loved that man. John had changed. His edges were softened, and Vickie realized he was at long last comfortable in his own skin. He'd given himself permission to see the elegance of living outside of his darkness. And John was resolute in doing what he needed to demonstrate he deserved Natalie's and Justin's unqualified love.

John carried Justin and his breakfast into the nook. Nat took the plate and Justin's sippy cup from John while he settled the boy into his booster chair. As he put his bib on him, Natalie went back into the kitchen to retrieve John's coffee. It was so unaffected, so domestic, and Vickie was unexpectedly assured they could and would do this, wanted to have a life together and everything had changed for the both of them while it had indeed remained the same. They had merely capitulated to the inescapable.

Just as John sat down next to Justin, his cell rang. He pulled it out of his shirt pocket and checked the caller ID. "Nat, it's business, I've got to take it."

"Sure." Nattie smiled. "It's back to real life with a vengance."

John stroked her cheek with the back of his hand before he rose and answered the call, "McBain. Yeah, just give me a minute." And he stepped through the french doors onto the back deck were he could discuss matters with his client in private.

Vickie set aside her tea. "Well darling, I really should be going. I promised your sister I would give her a hand this afternoon before the spring opening of the tasting room later this afternoon. You did remember didn't you? Both Jessica and Nash will be expecting you."

"Oh, it did completely slip my mind. I'll try to make it Mom."

"Please do, the whole family is planning on being there. It simply wouldn't be the same without you and John and Justin. Now why don't you walk me out."

When Natalie came back into the kitchen, John was seated in the family room and he had that look, his serious, somber there's something but I'm not sure how we talk about it look. He'd already washed up Justin and the boy was playing quietly on the floor with his legos.

"I'm not liking this McBain…who was on the phone?"

"Come and sit Natalie." He watched her with a guarded expression as she crossed the room and sat beside him on the sofa. John laid his arm next to her palm up, and Natalie placed her hand into his.

"I know I said we weren't going to ever discuss again what we fought about the other night, but we need to Nattie – at least one part of it. And I need you to listen before you say anything because I'm not sure how I'll get through this without somehow fucking it all up."

When Natalie slowly nodded her head, a look of true alarm was clearly evident on her lovely face.

John sighed. There was no easy way to do this. "That was your brother on the phone…the FBI has set up an appointment with Kevin and you tomorrow morning at the BE offices to discuss the initial findings of their investigation into the yacht explosion. While much of the exchange will be news to you, Kevin and I have had a copy of the preliminary report for some time now and, based on the forensics, I've known Jared's death was more than just a terrible and tragic accident. Jesus Nat," John ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to figure out how to soften the blow. So, it was here and sooner than he had thought it would come even though he'd been summarily forewarned. He was resigned to it. He just wished they'd been give a little more time…to be in the present without the past looming shadowy and destructive over them. It caused the knot of fear to churn sourly within his stomach. "It appears the investigation by the Bureau is now focusing on homicide."

Natalie blinked in disbelief, "What are you saying John…"

"I think you know...it also seems JR Chandler may have regrettably been an unintended victim and that Jared was the target. But there's more Natalie…" He waited for a beat before he continued, making a point of staring directly into her eyes. John needed Natalie to grasp from his intent look how raw his feelings were and John wasn't sure he could adequately express how paramount her commitment to him was going to be to their continued survival. "From the start Natalie, to say I never liked Jared, was suspicious of him is an understatement…and he had my son…and you. So, the part of it where you accused me of being jealous because you went on to build a new life, to some extent that's true."

Tears welled up and spilled onto Natalie's cheeks. John brushed them off with the palm of his hand. "I left you because I had to, not because I wanted to," he admitted. "You seemed determined to do this thing, and counter to my better judgment, I thought if you really did love him, it would go much easier if I was physically not in the picture. But you know Nat, it simply wasn't acceptable to me that you could choose him, a goddamn conman, over me. And because I can recognize criminal intent, I started the workup on the case long before I came back to Llanview, long before Jared was killed. So, when I heard about his death, I can't say I was surprised because I'd been following his exploits at BE for some time. He was ruthless in business; that kind of cavalier and aggressive behavior usually lends itself to making plenty of enemies."

Natalie bit her lower lip trying to restrain her emotions. "So is that why you came back John, to finish the investigation?"

John absently rubbed the slight difference in skin tone on her ring finger where he'd removed her wedding band. "Babe, I told you from the start, it was all about you and Justin. Nothing else, never anything else…and Jared's death simply accelerated the timeline. I was always going to come back for the two of you."

Natalie's heart warmed. She knew it was true. He'd never stopped loving her. Despite John's omission of the circumstances surrounding Jared's death, he was before her now, exposed and prepared to accept her reaction to his choices. It didn't matter. She loved him, and nothing would change that and she understood him better than he understood himself. John had wanted her and Justin, but he hadn't exactly determined how to go about regaining what he desired, though once he'd figured out he could have it all, he'd pursued her with the inflexible decisiveness John was known for. And oh, but she was so damn happy he would perpetually, relentlessly, outstay her stubborness.

She laid her hand over his heart. "Do you have any substantive leads yet?"

John shook his head, touched by her simple gesture. He exhaled the breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding knowing she so got him and wasn't going to second guess his motives. "Neither does the FBI...but I can see where you're going with this. It's not happening Natalie. You're staying out of it – it's exactly why I never raised the subject with you until now. The only reason why we're even talking about it is because I agreed with Kevin, I didn't want to see you blindsided in the briefing with the FBI tomorrow morning."

"And you already know it's a moot point. No one knew Jared like I did, knew how he did business and with whom, not even Kevin. You can't crack this without me."

John ground his teeth in frustration. As much as he didn't want to admit it, Natalie was right. He did need her intellect and insight on this one. There were simply too many missing pieces and he suspected Nattie could fill in a good portion of it. In direct variance to this was his nagging sixth sense that the more mixed up she became in the investigation, the greater the risk he could lose her. Regardless of what transpired between them, John was determined to see this through to the end and he would keep them safe at all costs.

"So, if – and that's a big fucking if Natalie – I agree to you assisting me with the data analysis portion of this, how can I have confidence you will stand down when I decide you need to? You have a terrible habit of thinking because I love you I'm not serious about calling the shots where my investigation and your safety are concerned. Or even worse if you just work on me long enough that you can manipulate me into bending to your will. In the past it was hard enough when it was just you, but now Nat, there's our son. And as much as I want to believe you've changed – we've changed – I don't know…I'm not sure you could say or do anything to convince me your being involved in this beyond as Jared's widow is in either of our best interests. So, I'm asking you Natalie, to trust me, that I really do know what I'm doing here and just let me handle it."

Natalie slowly shook her head. "You know I can't let you do this solo. And I do trust you, enough that you already have me so crazy for you and converted my mother into believing we so can do this together, are doing this together. From here on out we are a team and we should work in concert, even on this. But what I think you're overlooking is you have to trust me too. I love that adorable mini McBain beyond even my own existence and that having been said, I'm his mother and he needs me. I would never place Justin or myself for that matter, in any kind of jeopardy. So, you have no cause worry on that score. And I have every faith you know exactly how to handle the legwork of the investigation and that is your area of strength and expertise, not mine."

John was quiet while he struggled with the substance of her argument. Finally, he clamped down on his nagging worries and said, "Swear to me Nattie, that if I let you in on this, you'll follow my lead without reservation." He was dead serious and Natalie knew how much it had taken for him to even entertain her involvement in any part of this.

"I promise, no games John and I'll respect your lead. But I need you to give me your word you're going to be completely cooperative with any and all information every step of the way. No more withholding of evidence because you deem it's how best to protect me. For once you need to admit you don't always know what's right for everyone."

John cursed under his breath. "This is not a negotiation Natalie."

"The hell it isn't McBain. That's the agreement or I'm going to have Kevin be sure to discuss your unauthorized association in the case with the FBI. And don't think for a moment I wouldn't be able to persuade Kevin – I've nearly as much dirt on him as I do on you and I'm not above using most of it if I need to."

John's gaze narrowed. Jesus, he hated it and loved it when she wielded her independence and perogative. "All right, we'll try it." He pointed his index finger at her in a blatant attempt to intimidate her, though he knew it was probably futile. "But all bets are off if you even so much as think about trying to get out front, do you understand me? I mean it Natalie. And not even God can help you if you go behind my back."

Natalie sighed. He just couldn't help himself, John had to go all male and domineering when he was afraid she'd do something beyond his control. This time though, he really didn't have anything to be concerned about. She would leave the heavy lifting in the case to his superior abilities while she concentrated her efforts in her own area of proficiency...deductive reasoning.

"So, what do you need first?" She asked.

John leveled his cool blue gaze with hers. "I need to go through Jared's office, all of his personal belongings. The objective is to establish a definitive link with JR Chandler and the purported TVE exchange. I believe it's entirely correlated to the number of trips Jared took over the last year to the Pacific Rim and Thailand in particular."

"Done. The office isn't locked and I haven't been in there since the FBI went through the files, so I'm not sure what all is left. But his date planner is upstairs in the closet. He was such a stickler for details that he saved everything both electronically on his computer calendar and on paper, so you may find it of real use. I'll go get it." Natalie stood to head upstairs.

"Natalie, there was never any mention of a date planner in all the information in the draft report. Didn't the FBI know about it?"

"No…it was by error really, I had it in the SUV. Jared left it by mistake the day before he died and I just forgot about it until after they had already finished searching through the BE offices and the house. At that point, I in effect didn't think about turning it over. I never wanted to believe his death was anything more than an accident so nothing about his professional or business dealings seemed all that relevant."

John wrapped her in his arms. "Christ Nattie, you know I never wanted you to have to sort out anything like this."

She leaned against him, letting his warmth and energy suffuse her with security. "You know John, just a thought...have you ever considered both you and the FBI may be approaching this completely ass backwards? Has it ever occurred to you that JR Chandler was possibly nothing more than Jared's pawn? There is no way Jared didn't have the upper hand in any deal with JR – period and end of discussion. Far and away Jared was a brilliant business man, and JR Chandler – well, not so much. So, considering what we do know about BE and its subsidiaries in the Pacific Rim, there are two key facts that we simply cannot ignore." Natalie eased herself away from his body before she continued. "First, there were clear shipping nightmares that were impeding the flow of BE exports into the market. Second, Thai Vang Electronics is a nice little company, always stacking up in the profit side of the ledger…a cream puff, so to speak. It makes no sense Jared would ever allow a company with that kind of a performance record go to a Chandler no matter the favor owed. So really John, the pivotal question is what was it BE – and more specifically Jared - wanted from Chandler Enterprises? And taking into account the erratic track record JR was sporting as the sometimes on again mostly off the pay docket Chief Operations Officer for the family corp, what could he possibly have to offer that Jared would go to such lengths to obtain?"

Goddamn, but the girl was sharp and John was immediately intrigued. "Go on"

"It's pretty simple actually, and that would be a stable and influential shipping interest. Jared must have been pretty certain he could use JR to his advantage to eliminate the BE transport issues. Further, I bet if I had a couple of hours with the TVE books, I'd find there was nothing more disreputable going on than white washing an intermittent stream of funds through the structure of the company. It would certainly be the most expedient way to obliterate any monetary trail which could possibly smell of a hostile takeover by BE of a key Chandler commerce and distribution company. But even better, TVE plays the key role as a beard…it really isn't the end game but up front it appears that it is. TVE is the subterfuge that keeps the principle cloaked and off the radar. And it's the bait that lured JR Chandler unwittingly into Jared's corporate assault."

"Holy shit Natalie, if your theory is accurate… perhaps the intended target of the explosion wasn't Jared. It's conceivable the material victim was JR and Jared was in actuality the collateral damage. Somebody must have been aware of Jared's conspiracy to defraud JR out of the shipping gain without any intention of following through with the final transaction of handing over TVE. Whoever it was obviously considered the threat of losing the shipping interest severe enough that it became necessary to kill JR Chandler in order to put a stop to it."

"Did it put a stop to it? Or had Jared already acquired the interest and TVE is still unfinished business as far as the killer or killers are concerned?"

John drew her close against his chest and he kissed her hair. "I'm afraid we're about to find out."

To be continued……


	13. Chapter 13

Thanks so much for all of your feedback! And onward John and Natalie go...

**Chapter 13**

As Natalie started downstairs, seeing Jared's office open for the first time since his death elicited an uncharacteristic response. It seemed just odd, as though the French doors needed to stay shut as well should that particular chapter of her life. She had spent the better part of the past year attempting to attain closure, coming to a painful conclusion and ultimately resolving a relationship which never would measure up and meet either her or Jared's expectations, despite his assertions he had none. It had nearly broken her to concede the failing had not come from lack of trying or the desire to make it so, but there could never be anyone to stand beside her save John. Regardless of how much Jared had loved them, he couldn't play the role of either her husband or Justin's father because she essentially did not want him to. Natalie shivered with disquiet, as though someone had just walked across her grave. It caused her pause, and mentally she immediately shook herself, knowing how peculiar that would sound if she dared to say it out loud, but intuitively she knew somehow it was true. It was supposed to have been over, but it was so not done. For a split second, Natalie really didn't care who was responsible or why Jared had been murdered. Looking at Jared's date planner in her hands and the brass plate stamped with his initials in the right hand corner, Natalie realized with no small amount of trepidation, it seemed despite the permanence of his death, Jared's role in her life was continuing.

In the doorway to his office, what she saw was a study in contrast and didn't fit the room, but was conspicuously parallel to what she'd witnessed countless times in the past. John, not Jared, was sitting in the black leather executive desk chair pouring through a stack of files he'd pulled from the cabinet and which he'd assembled conveniently at hand, with Justin sitting on his lap scribbling in his coloring book. The anomaly was the space was all Jared, sleek, minimalist, contemporary. The massive half round desk constructed of cherry wood flowed in seamless curves and was placed in front of the bank of three tall windows overlooking the front lawns so that the natural light illuminated the work area and John and Justin from behind. To the right and placed between two additional tall mullioned windows was the large wall unit, the wood and glass doors thrown wide to reveal the opened file drawers and shelves of identical black binders containing research and other vital company information. Across the room from the desk, was the casual seating area with a charcoal leather settee, two corresponding club chairs set adjacent to form a U, and a kidney shaped cherry coffee table within easy reach. This section of the room was defined by a thick wool rug in a distinctively abstract pattern of intersecting sharp shapes in shades of lilac, gold, and russet to offset the ivory background. Large terra cotta pots with live palms and philodendrons were scatted haphazardly into corners and in front of windows with the wooden blinds pulled to allow maximum light to enter the room. It was bright, cleanly austere, highly organized, and designer…so not John McBain. Natalie stood watching John riffle through the papers in the file, and she was struck by how dissimilar the two men were. She understood that from the start, it was why she had decided on Jared as suitable to move on with. There was never any possibility Jared would have remotely struck a chord with her of what she'd had with John. So she had made a home with a man she modestly felt affection for and would never be wildly in love with, and for a time it had been easy, undemanding. Which had been just enough considering the bittersweet and mixed blessing of having been given Justin.

As Justin bent over his coloring book Natalie marveled anew at how father and son were virtually identical from the dark hair to the sky blue eyes, and the strong tall bodies. Justin so reminded her of John in his quiet concentration when he was determined to accomplish whatever difficult undertaking was occupying his time and attention. And just like his father, he did not tolerate failure, often becoming unduly angry when he could not complete a task to his exacting standards the first time he tried to do it. That dogged tenacity had translated into precociousness so that Justin was walking by 9 months, learning his shapes and colors at 18 months, and overall hitting most milestones notably early, except for one. As he'd grown and his little personality had begun to take structure and form, he was an astonishing genetic keepsake of his father from his mannerisms to his speech patterns and his reluctance to even talk in the first place preferring to observe the world rather than comment on it. At times it had nearly been more than she could bear, the incredible upwelling of unconditional love for her son that she could lavish on him freely when she could not love his father. Justin had always come first, so that his step-father had often been relegated to the status of intruder in the closed circle of their lives. To Jared's credit he had never taken it out on Justin, and had genuinely cared for the child on the basis that he was also clearly half of Natalie, as evidenced by his sunny disposition and pragmatic approach to life. These were the qualities in Justin that Jared was careful to foster and reinforce.

John looked up to see Nattie standing at the entrance, a pensive look on her face as she'd been openly observing them. Nat had showered and changed into a little black cap sleeved dress with a double V neckline that on any other woman could have been described as conservative and unadorned; but on Natalie, the smooth silky rayon fabric skimmed every one of her lush curves to end just above her knees and the effect was positively chic. She'd opted to wear her watch coupled with a very feminine and delicate platinum trio of bangle bracelets, two of which were bezel set around the circumference with round diamonds and the third with small marquis cut stones. The cut and set of the of the diamonds in the bangles was mirrored in the petite sparkling platinum hoops in her ears, and around her throat was a fragile white gold link chain with a single brilliant round suspended to rest just below the hollow so that the gem seemed to float on her creamy décolletage. Her hair was loose, with just a bit of curl on the ends and hung halfway down her back in a soft burgundy fall. As usual Natalie was barefoot, her toe nails painted a rich cherry that matched her lipstick perfectly. She left John speechless with her easy sophistication. He didn't know why it should still surprise him to be confronted with the evidence that in two years time, Natalie had become a woman who was noticeably entering into the pinnacle of her beauty and allure, but it did.

John brushed Justin's hair back from his face with his hand as he gazed at Natalie with obvious pleasure. "Hey."

"Hey yourself McBain. Here's Jared's date planner." She came into the room and set the leather bound book on the desk next to the files.

"You look really pretty, Natalie."

"Thank you," and she gifted him with one of her dazzling smiles. "Jessica and Nash are having their spring gathering later this afternoon to celebrate the expansion of the tasting room at the winery. Mom basically let me know that since all the family along with half of Llanview is going to be there, so it is required for me and Justin to attend as well. Not exactly a formal occasion, but it does call for me to dress…I see he went for his crayons first thing," Natalie eyed John with careful watchfulness. "Don't suppose you'd want to talk about it."

John set the open folder he'd been in the middle of reviewing down on the desk. "It appears that he spent a fair amount of time in this room with Jared. He uh, went straight for the drawer of 'quiet good boy' toys as soon as I came in here."

"Oh, John, we're going to have to do this aren't we?" Natalie sighed. It felt like a thousand days had passed since they'd gotten out of bed this morning. Everything had been so flawless, the play, the love. Somehow it seemed implicit the ugly chaos swirling around them would taint their finely constructed start and was about to cause it all to come undone while both she and John were going to be helpless to stop it. Natalie was hit with a sense of panic so strong she wanted to grab John and Justin and run before they were in too deep, unable to extricate themselves in time and from what she wasn't sure. But this investigation and John's insistence to move forward with it was going to hasten any probable trouble, of that Natalie was quite certain. And if she was brutally honest, it also meant Jared could exert the power to come between her and John and Justin as a very real menace to their well being. If the truth be told, she should be fighting tooth and nail to sway John into coming to terms with just moving on, both figuratively and physically, as the only strategy worth employing to defend the exquisiteness of this chance they'd been given.

Instead she crossed over to the side chair next to Jared's desk and sat down. She knew John wouldn't listen, so Natalie came to a decision; in the absence of convincing him she was right about this one, she would conserve her energies to stand shoulder to shoulder and be a strong partner when he needed her most to come through for him. In the mean time, they were going to have to confront certain aspects of her and Jared's relationship. "I know it's hard to hear, but Jared loved Justin…and when he was home he wanted him close. He loved us both."

"You're right; I don't like to hear it." John kissed the top of Justin's head. "Damn, Natalie I don't want to do this either, but we have to."

"So ask, John. I'll try to give you as many answers as I can, and as long as Justin is in the room, I imagine we'll stay civil."

John shot her a look.

"Oh, come on, a little levity right now is a good thing," Nattie gently chided.

"That's flippant, not funny." John stood up and set Justin down in the chair and went to stand in front of the credenza placed in front of the triplet of windows, his back to Natalie. He placed his hands on his hips and for a time scanned the peaceful scene of well ordered upper middle class prosperity played out in Nattie's well kept yard and those fronting her neighbors' own custom and handsomely comfortable homes. The whole well heeled suburban setting of Wentworth Heights and River Court in particular begged the first question, "Babe, who owns the house, has been responsible for the lifestyle?"

"Justin."

John turned and was stunned to see Natalie wasn't kidding. She was sitting with her legs crossed, her hands folded charmingly in her lap. And she was the picture of calm, cool confidence which was usually his job.

"Most of it is from the blind trust I set up years ago which literally placed all my original inheritance into a very lucratively managed and highly diversified account for my future children. Our son is quite a wealthy little boy. I don't know if you'll remember, but I tried to warn you before Justin was born, he's half Lord-Buchanan and with that comes a certain affluence and implied responsibility. And while on the surface that may seem what this is all about," Natalie hesitated unsure how he was going to take the whole unvarnished truth so she selectively qualified her answer, "it isn't. The house Justin owns, and a few other holdings so aside from the upkeep of the property, the principal in the trust account is rarely ever touched."

"So whose obligation was it to pay the household expenses, Sabrina's salary, everything else?" John knew who was subsidizing what, but he needed to hear it from her.

"Are you asking me about the means to our everyday life? Well…okay, in my defense," Natalie explained, "I did it for a single solitary adorable McBain whom I love beyond my own existence; so that no matter what happened, we would always have a safe and secure home and a life of our very own. A stable place where he can grow into a man who could be a cop, or a lawyer, or the next generation high powered Buchanan business tycoon. I wanted only for him to be happy and to do his father proud...and this seemed like the best place to follow through with that promise. Besides privilege has its rewards John, as long as it's tempered with reality therapy. And I'm his mom, so there's no danger Justin could ever grow up without a healthy dose of that."

How did she do it? So rationally, evenly, Natalie had made it absolutely clear she'd always had a contingency plan. That no matter how Jared had felt about her, she'd never been entirely sure she could return those feelings or could actually make the marriage work. But regardless of the outcome, Justin always came first, his son was Nattie's priority and she'd ensured she would owe Jared nothing. Christ, he didn't think he could fall in love with her even more, but here he was, seeing her in a completely different light and he felt like all kinds of a fool because he should have known years ago, this was the extraordinary woman she was destined to become. John really didn't know what she saw in him, but whatever it was, he was pretty fucking pleased she'd chosen him to steal her heart.

"The funds for the rest, your money, I'm assuming that's all BE?" At her nod John continued. "So what about Jared, if he wasn't contributing to the household, where was his money going Natalie? The salary he had to have been drawing from BE as the second executive next to Kevin must have been fairly substantial, and I'm again supposing there were bonuses, stock options."

"We just didn't discuss finances unless it directly related to a deal we were working on constructing together for BE. There were times when Jared had me review a prospectus, or cross check performance records for potential acquisitions. So while I wasn't an expert on BE holdings, I was for the most part dialed in. Excluding that, personal money – Justin's, his, mine which I inherited when my Grandpa Asa died…it was never talked about let alone co-mingled. So honestly, I don't know though I'm guessing he may have used a portion of it to purchase additional shares in the company."

This was problematic. It meant there was a considerable amount of cash Jared had to work with outside of the BE capital he could leverage in any deals, including the elusive shipping negotiations he might have put together. Clearly Natalie had yet to connect the dots on this one. And John wasn't quite ready to share his latest burgeoning hypothesis with her. It seemed obvious Natalie was having a tough time coming to grips with the indisputable fact Jared Banks was a man capable of reprehensible actions both within his personal as well as business dealings. While this irritated John from a purely selfish stance because it galled him Natalie could see any man besides him in such a blindly loyal positive light, let alone Jared; it also boded ill in terms of her objectivity about Jared as they got deeper and deeper into the pit of shit he'd nearly dragged her and Justin into.

"Did you have a pre-nup?"

Natalie nodded, "Of course, Kevin and the BE lawyers made sure of that. But you should know Jared never even took it to an independent attorney for review before he signed it and willingly too. As for the house, I purchased it with Justin's trust funds a couple of weeks after we were married. Jared was well aware that the deed was being held for Justin until he turns 21…there was never any question Jared wasn't going to profit from any relationship with me. He married me anyway."

John could have argued that Jared _did_ excessively benefit from his association with one of the Buchanan princesses. The predicament was, Natalie just didn't see herself in terms like that for all her stylish clothes, elegant jewelry, and fashionable existence …she would always be deep down the street tough little red-headed spitfire who came from the wrong side of the underbelly of AC. And though she'd accepted intellectually she had some pull at BE, Natalie didn't really feel it. In certainty, if it hadn't been for Nat, Jared would have been out on his ass with the reveal that he'd scammed them into believing he was Asa's long lost son no matter his clear business acumen and cunning skills. But John kept silent, because the next part was contentious enough.

John sat on the edge of the credenza and took one of Natalie's hands in both of his. Quietly he asked, "Babe, did Jared know?"

Long seconds passed before Nat answered, "Yes...no…probably but I'm not sure. Something else we never talked about. I can tell you he wasn't happy when I e-mailed you with pictures of Justin or when you would decide to make contact…" Natalie stood up and went over to where Justin had abandoned his coloring book in favor of the puzzles he was now playing with on the floor in front of the desk. Carefully she began packing up the crayons, straightening up.

John came up behind her and took the coloring book out of her hands. Gently he turned her around to face him. "Talk to me Natalie."

"I know it hurt him John." Natalie could not look at him as she wrestled yet again with her unhappily guilty conscience. She'd wounded not just Jared, but herself, her son, as well as John. The last two years had been a painful lesson in loneliness, regrets, and inexplicable loss. She'd been the reason John had missed his son's infancy and babyhood while she had tormented herself and Jared by clinging to the ill-advised delusion if she just stayed with it long enough, she could ever feel anything more for him than a straightforward nonsexual love.

"When did the marriage start to go south?"

Gradually, Natalie met his steady blue gaze. It was disconcerting how still and focused John was, and she knew it was because he was sizing her up, reading her body language to ascertain if it matched the words she was speaking. It unnerved her and Natalie was astonished by how defensive she suddenly felt. "Do you want to know for your own information or do you actually think my marriage may have some bearing on Jared's murder?"

Christ. This was precisely why he should be going this case alone. John had to clamp down on his instant impatience. Unfortunately, it appeared that for the duration of this question and counter-question session, John was going to be forced by Nattie's sudden reticence to rely on his ill-equipped communication skills. And that just pissed him off even more. This was difficult enough without the two of them letting intense emotions trigger them to perceive slights where none existed.

"All right Natalie, need I remind you that about an hour ago, you begged me to let you be a part of this? Yes, I do need to know to clearly establish Jared's state of mind for the two years prior to his death…like it or not, you are a very big factor and I dare say the catalyst behind much of what was Jared's motivation. You and money. So, if Jared really believed he was imminently going to lose one of the two things he cared about, don't you think he would probably turn all his energies toward the second? At this point, financial gain and absolute greed appears to be what got him into this mess and eventually murdered."

Natalie didn't answer, and focused her attention on the buttons of his shirt.

John sighed, she was going to make him say it and out loud for God's sake. "Yes, I want to know too. Feel better now?"

"No."

John gently cupped her chin with his hand so she had no alternative but to look at him. Goddamn, it was lucky for Banks he was already dead. Because otherwise John would've seriously had to entertain the prospect of killing him for what he'd done to Natalie, laying all the guilt and pain for the failed marriage squarely on her. No one had forced the bastard to pursue her when she was at her most vulnerable, pregnant and alone - John could admit that now, he'd been accessible physically but never emotionally. Jared would not have been able to make those kinds of inroads with Natalie if John had been able to give to Natalie what she'd always been honest about needing from the start.

"Me either," he allowed. "But not for the reasons you might think…I hate talking about this shit, because you're taking on all the garbage and I'm here to tell you Natalie, it needs to be spread three fucking ways."

Slowly she nodded. The ferocity of his conviction and that he was forgiving her for her stubborn need to demonstrate her autonomy, that he recognized she had grown up and was a great mother, and in spite of the nearly irreparable washed out track they'd had to travel before getting where they could finally be a family; it gave her the courage to tell him she had always loved him, never stopped in spite of her choices and his…and always would.

"When Justin had his first birthday and you called…I…I was affected more than I ought to be. And I started to see I'd made a terrible mistake. In the weeks following that one brief conversation, there was this nagging voice that kept bothering me…if I needed to live without you I could do that, with Justin, here…and alone. I tried to ignore it, thinking maybe it was all part of some ridiculous delayed grieving for what you and I had lost, but within a couple of months there really wasn't anything left to say, or work towards with Jared. It was just over. No arguing or any debate, more the kind of cliché drifting apart when a sense of apathy sets in."

That phone call had played a pivotal role in both their lives. It had required two shots of whiskey and a beer before John could actually dial her number and when he'd heard Natalie's voice, he'd ached for her and spiraled into the darkest place over what he was missing with his son. It signified his rock bottom and served to snap him out of his own indifference, sobering him up and compelling him to give up the useless denial. John had known what he wanted his future to look like, and it was documented in the photos of Natalie and Justin sent with seemingly innocent notes from Marcie detailing nearly every aspect of their lives - and all it required was for him to get up off his ass and make it so. Once the decision was made, that is exactly, methodically, what he'd done.

"So why didn't you just ask him for a divorce and be done with it?"

Natalie leaned against the desk and took a deep breath to steady her nerves. "Because at first we were just living separate lives, estranged and despite everything, it was never bitter. Later when it was obvious we were headed for separation, Jared didn't want to move out, and so I agreed to give it one last try while we lived under the same roof. By that time, he was often gone for weeks on business…what did it matter if when he was in Llanview we cohabitated? We were friends and he doted on Justin and we had a common goal, the continued business relationship for the benefit of BE. When he was home, he stayed here – in the office. And that did work for awhile. Except both Marcie and Nash were encouraging me to take the necessary steps to convince Jared I was serious about resuming my life by finally filing the divorce papers, though I never quite got around to it. Consequently, I did realize I was sending him the wrong message and I suggested to Jared in December he might need to find his own place. I think that's when Jared really knew something had permanently shifted…I was never going to be over you and didn't much want to."

John couldn't help it and the corners of his mouth turned up.

"You're smiling. Now, what is that supposed to mean?"

He very nearly came clean. He was so damn happy he'd been right; Jared hadn't had his hands on her for long at all, and she hadn't been with him as his wife in nearly a year…and goddamn but that must have just chapped that sorry bastard's hide because John knew without a fucking doubt Jared had been all too aware and from the very start the reason why. Natalie was his, and whenever he'd decided to come back to Llanview to secure his family, Jared would have been impotent to stop him. John's only regret was that the son of a bitch wasn't still alive to watch him. It solidified his original theory that Jared Banks had been helping himself to anything and everything Buchanan he could stuff into his very deep pockets knowing that any day Nattie was going to kick him to the curb. It made it somewhat easier, he just had to unravel the quasi-embezzled trail of dirty money and he was bound to uncover the killers.

John leaned into her, and as his mouth descended to hers he stated succinctly, "I liked what you said." He threaded the silk of her hair through his fingers and tasted her with such sweet abandon Natalie melted against him.

"So is that your way of telling me I passed and the interrogation is over?" She was breathless and her eyes were shining.

"Babe, I went easy on you – the least you could do is show some gratitude."

Natalie placed her head on his shoulder. "I wish I could. I need to get Justin dressed and head over to the winery or we are going to be terribly late. You'll just have to accept my rain check and I'll more than make it up to you tonight."

"Do you want me to go with you Natalie?"

"Yes, I do…it's just that well, I don't know John. This is so complicated."

"Either you want me to go with you or you don't. Doesn't seem all that difficult to decide if you ask me."

Natalie sighed. Sometimes John could be a bit imperceptive. Not everything was black and white and this was one of those times when she was going to have to chance his anger and just try to explain it to him. "John my estranged husband's death has become a full blown murder investigation and not by our local PD but by a Federal agency. I haven't been anywhere socially since the funeral, which by the way my ex, whom everyone knows is the father of my child, happened to show up for after basically being MIA for two years. Now, six weeks later I need to attend my first and very public function as the grieving widow. How smart would it be if I walked into that affair with my unexpectedly not so ex and our son with the truth of what's happening between us written all over our faces? Everyone will know, tongues will wag, and the Bureau may get side tracked trying to verify whether there really is something to the ugly Llanview gossip. The last thing we need is for the investigation to get mired down into why I wasn't forthcoming about the state of my marriage with Jared or for our relationship in any way to be linked with his death. Don't you agree?"

John's jaw was set and Natalie knew he was unhappy, but couldn't refute the level-headedness of her logic. "Goddamn Natalie, you and I both know I have no use for propriety. And in this case, it could cause the situation to become worse. Think about it. Your family already knows; my family pretty much has us pegged. What makes you suppose the rest of Llanview hasn't figured it out by now? Our previous relationship was even detailed in the FBI's draft report."

"All of what you brought up is true, with the exception of the Bureau knowing things between us have radically changed. So, until we can discuss it with them tomorrow, maybe we should be just a bit circumspect…"

"We will discuss it?" John raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, we. I need you to be there with me tomorrow. I can't do it without you. I shouldn't be concentrating on hearing their spin on the report while I'm trying to act like I'm getting the information for the first time. It's your job to feed me any discrepancies between the draft and final reports and to be another set of ears during the briefing so we can figure out what our next move needs to be."

John threw back his head and laughed, "Is that so?? Since when did you decide you'd fill the chief strategist's position?" This whole thing sucked because John could see he was totally getting wrapped around her little finger and even worse, he was really fucking liking it. "Okay, how about I finish going through a few more files and start on the date planner; then I'll meet you after this little soiree, and maybe if you deem it harmless we can go to Rodi's for dinner, shoot a little pool. What do you think, boss?"

Natalie punched his shoulder. "Sometimes you're such a jerk McBain."

"Yeah, baby…but I'm your jerk and you like it that way."

When Natalie was finally ready to leave, John walked her and Justin out to the car. She looked so damn beautiful and all kinds of sexy, especially since she'd added the finishing touch of those very high heeled black satin peek-a-boo pumps with the cutest cherry colored satin bow embellishing the toe box. She was killing him, and John couldn't wait to run his hand up her calf and slowly, gently remove those stilettos as a prelude to letting their adult games begin. Just thinking about it had him smiling like the village idiot as he carefully belted his son into the car seat checking to ensure the seat and buckles were secure. After John was satisfied Justin was restrained properly, he ruffled Justin's hair playfully because he knew it would drive Natalie to distraction until she could take a hair brush and restore his thick unruly mane back into some semblance of order.

"See you later buddy."

Spontaneously, Justin wrapped his arms around John's neck. "Bye Daddy. I love you."

John physically felt his heart swell with tender affection and pride. This was the first time Justin had said the words without being primarily prompted by his father's expression of the sentiment. John swallowed hard and held his boy's face between his hands. "I love you too. Have fun and be good for your mom."

He closed the car door and came face to face with Natalie. Her eyes were suspiciously bright with the sheen of tears. She didn't say anything and neither did John, fundamentally because he didn't think he could talk without making a complete ass of himself. Instead, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her deep and long before he put her in the car as well.

"Rodi's McBain, 6:30 and try not to be late. Oh, and by the way…I'm crazy wild in love with you."

John grinned . "Is that so Buchanan? For the record, I'm never late…and I love you too."

Hours later, as Natalie was heading down the winding bluffs road toward its intersection with the Llanview highway, she breathed a sigh of relief. Holy cow, but Natalie was glad that was over. She loved her family, but sometimes even she had to admit it was all just a little bit too much. And the spring fling at the winery qualified for this year's award for too many Lord-Buchanans meddling into her late to the party business.

And if one more person had asked her where John was, she might have gone postal. John was right, the whole flipping town of Llanview seemed to be aware that if she and John were something, exes wasn't it. The worst was Evangeline. Natalie bristled at the memory.

"Working?! On a Sunday?" It was clear Vange hadn't believed Nattie's proffered excuse.

"Well, yeah. I'm assuming so. It's what he _said_ he was going to be doing. Look, I just don't keep that close of tabs on him."

Evangeline had rolled her eyes and sent a look in Todd's direction. "That's funny, because anytime I see John these days he's got Justin tied to his hip and is either on his way to or just coming back from seeing you."

Frankly, Natalie couldn't see how it was anyone's damn concern…least of all Evangeline. She had absolutely no room to talk, especially because she was leading Todd around by that wedding ring in his nose and big as a house pregnant to boot.

Natalie sighed in exasperation and looked in her rearview mirror to check on Justin.

"What the hell?" A nondescript white sedan was tailing her down the bluffs road and was practically crawling up her ass it was riding her so close. Natalie tapped her brakes in warning for the vehicle to back off. It didn't work. The driver deliberately struck the SUV's rear bumper, nosing the car dangerously between Nattie's right rear quarter panel and the sheer face of the limestone adjacent to the road bed. Natalie sped up, whipping the agile suspension of her vehicle around the succeeding curve. She knew the road well, and could generally handle her car at a faster than she should be driving speed, but on this particular stretch she was trapped between the Llantano River and the bluffs with no turnouts for more than a mile of unrelenting serpentine curves. The sedan barreled down on her again, bumping her harder this time causing Natalie to lurch forward in her seat and her shoulder belt restraint to snap painfully across her chest.

"Shit!" Natalie realized she was engaged in a perilous game of cat and mouse. Frantically she reached for her cell phone sticking out of the side pocket of her purse in a desperate attempt to call 911. She felt her adversary hit her again, only this time he did not back off and proceeded to try and push her toward the center divide. With only one hand on the wheel and suddenly overcome by stark terror, Natalie lost control of the SUV. As she tried to correct her certain trajectory over the river bank, a third car came around the blind corner, clipping her and sending her into a spin. The little red SUV catapulted over the edge, slamming into a tree with enough force to shear it off at the base. The vehicle rolled over and over down the steep slope before it finally came to rest on its roof partially submerged in the fully engorged icy cold Llantano River.

John was just finishing up with the last of his notes, stacking the files he needed to re-review into one pile, the files he wanted Natalie to go through into another, and finally the discards into a third when his cell phone rang. He was a little surprised to see Michael's number come up on the caller ID. John thought for sure it would be Natalie calling to scold him to get his head out of the case and not be late for their date.

"Yo Mikey. Must be our day for family. Listen, I'm just getting ready to meet Natalie at Rodi's so it's not a good time to talk. Hey, you and Marcie wouldn't be interested in joining us would you? Might be kind of fun."

"John, where are you? Are you still at Natalie's?"

John went inert before his system dumped a massive overload of adrenaline into his veins that slammed his heart rate and set his nerves on fire. He was out of the office and grabbing his boots from the hall tree before he even realized his body was in motion.

"Fucking talk to me Michael…how did you know I was here?" Then there it was, the plaintive wail of a siren faint at first but becoming progressively louder as it headed up the connector street at a high rate of speed. John banged the front door after him and was running down River Court toward the sound of the emergency vehicle, his legs pumping and his cell phone glued to his ear.

"John, the Llanview PD is going to bring you in. It's Natalie and Justin. There's been an accident."

To be continued…


	14. Chapter 14

_Thank you to everyone for your kind words and incredible patience. I hope you enjoy..._

**Chapter 14**

It had been a calculated risk; if she could veer with precision through the next set of serpentine bends...Dear God...maintain her ominously high rate of speed...Please God...out run the stalkers behind her and fly down the mountain to the straightaway just below....Oh God...Justin...John...the white sedan slammed into her rear bumper intentionally pushing her over the center divide and on a nonstop bearing over the steep bank of the Llantano River. For what seemed like an eternity, Natalie lost control of the vehicle. Instinctively, she jerked the wheel hard to the right in a reflexive maneuver designed to swerve the red SUV back toward the sheer face of the limestone bluffs.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God..." It was a desperate plea, an anguished litany as Natalie came barreling into the minor arc of the blind curve and abruptly nose to nose with the pickup. She could see the flash of surprise and subsequent panic on the driver's face as he realized there was a vehicle careening without any warning into his path. Natalie held her breath as she accelerated and jerked the wheel back to the left executing the last evasive move in her arsenal to keep the SUV from smashing headlong into the pickup or the face of the adjacent bluff. With the first high pitched sickening screech of metal on metal, she knew. The little SUV shuddered violently absorbing the kinetic energy and the impact of both vehicles still in motion sent the SUV into a flat spin. Natalie tried to steer through the slide as if she was hydroplaning on ice, but it was ineffective. As if in slow motion, the vehicle was hurled over the embankment, the tires biting into the moraine, seeking traction where there was none. The noise was deafening; glass shattering, steel snapping as the passenger compartment was compressed under the force of the SUV rolling over and over and over down the steep wooded slope before coming unceremoniously to rest on its roof and partially submerged in the frigid swollen river.

Darrell Watkins was only half listening to his wife of over 40 years go on about the politics of maintaining harmony among the band of blue haired malcontents in her quilting group. He was puttering his full sized pick-up truck along the old Llantano River bluffs road and trying to day dream of catching the last of the basketball game on ESPN as he motored through the familiar s-curves. They were nearly home, coming up on the final bends that consisted of the last few miles before the intersection of the mountain track with their gravel driveway. But it was difficult to concentrate on his private musings considering his Mae was in the seat next to him, complaining vociferously about her now power hungry vice president attempting to sabotage the upcoming craft and quilt show scheduled to be held at the county fairgrounds.

"So if Nancy Templeton is foolish enough to believe I'm going to take her walking over my authority she's got another think coming! I haven't given nearly twenty years to this quilting group and the annual fair to have all my efforts be snatched away that's for certain. Did you hear me Darrell? Darrell?"

His wife's accusatory tone brought him out of his reverie of how he was going to put his feet up in his recliner with a cold beer and some of that great onion dip and chips he'd talked Mae into getting from the grocery.

"Yes dear. That Nancy better…Holy crap!" Darrell Watkins had no time to react as he came around the blind corner of the outside bend to find himself confronted with a little red SUV screaming directly toward him in his lane. He saw the panic on the face of the young woman driver as she desperately jerked the wheel hard to the left in a futile attempt to avoid impact and squeeze past him on the narrow road. Darrell stood on the brake pedal hard, coming off the bench seat to a near vertical position in the cab, his elbows locked, and a silent prayer that the truck would stay straight and true and not skid over the steep embankment on his right as the front bumper clipped the SUVs left rear fender.

"Holy shit!" The driver in the white sedan shadowing the SUV slammed on his brakes and came to a screeching halt amidst a black noxious cloud of burning rubber. Both he and his passenger watched in horrified disbelief as the little red SUV went into a flat spin from the force of the collision with the pickup, sending it careening over the edge to roll repeatedly down the incline and into the engorged river below.

"Jesus you weren't supposed to kill them!" His passenger looked at him with utter disgust. "I told you to back off and did you listen to me? Fuck no! This is beyond bad. I ought to just put you out of your fucking misery right now because if the boss doesn't shoot your sorry ass, when McBain finally gets a hold of you, he most definitely will." He waved his own gun around to lend punctuation to his angry words.

The driver stomped on the accelerator, and the sedan leapt forward fishtailing slightly in its haste to flee the scene. He roared past the pickup now disabled and facing the wrong way in the opposite lane. His blood ran cold as the old bag in the passenger seat of the truck made unbroken eye contact. "How was I supposed to know that crazy redhead would try and out run me? All she needed to do was pull over. Any other sane person would have at the first bump. Goddamn, but you better back me up on this."

"If I wasn't in this with you…I swear to God I'd kick you out and to the wolves. Sonofabitch," he pounded his fist on the dash repeatedly in frustration. "…I think we may have been made by the old man who just hit her. Get us the fuck off this mountain and in one piece and then I'll decide about how we should handle this with the boss. And with any luck we'll be on the highway headed back to Pine Valley before the whole fucking LPD starts on up the hill."

As Todd Manning came around the bend, he was startled to see the roadway ahead partially blocked by a battered pickup with its nose pressed into the limestone face of the bluff. He recognized Mae Watkins immediately as she stood on the shoulder waving her arms frantically to get his attention. Todd pumped his brakes, coming to a stop just a few feet from the truck.

"Looks like Mrs. Watkins may have gotten herself into a bit of trouble," Todd observed. "You feeling well enough to delay getting home if I stop and give her a hand?" Todd's concern was genuine. Evangeline was due to give birth any day and his wife's comfort and well being was his first priority. The party had gone on way too long at the Brennan winery, and Todd was worried Evangeline may have overdone it. And while the Watkins vehicle did seem to be banged up, Mrs. Watkins appeared to have weathered the accident with no visible injuries so Todd was inclined to simply give her a ride on up the hill to her home rather than wait around for a tow truck to arrive.

"Yes, I'm fine Todd, just a little tired. But that's nothing new. A little delay in getting home won't cause me any distress. Here comes Mrs. Watkins…she looks pretty upset."

Todd opened his car door to step out and meet her.

Mae Watkins was hysterical as she hurried across the road, grasping Todd's arm as soon as she was close enough to make contact. "Oh praise God! Mr. Manning, you've got to help my Darrell! We hit an SUV and it went plumb over the bank. Darrell's down there now trying to free the mother and her baby from the wreckage, but he's been hollering he can't get to them without some help. You have got to hurry before the river takes that car with them in it downstream!" Mae started to drag Todd across the road to the periphery of the embankment. He was caught off guard by her strength and determination.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…Mrs. Watkins, are you saying that car is in the river?" Todd dug in his heels and glanced back to see Evangeline shading her eyes and taking in the whole scene.

"Yes! Please Mr. Manning…I'm terrified for all of them!" The urgency of the situation seeped into Todd's consciousness and he allowed Mae to forcibly lead him over the edge. Todd slid down the bank, the loose soils and limestone pebbles cascading in front of him as he and Mae Watkins hurried down the steep slope. The fresh scarring of the terrain, the smashed bushes and broken trees, testified to the force and devastating nature of the crash. And then Todd spotted it; a little metallic red SUV, upside down on its roof, the tires still spinning, and the engine compartment and a segment of the cab submerged in the churning eddy of the river rushing along its banks. Bleak, abject dread roiled in his belly…he could hear his nephew crying uncontrollably with old Mr. Watkins doing what he could to try and calm the boy, but to no avail. He was on his belly, his shoulders squeezed into the now narrow and collapsed slot where the rear right passenger window used to be, and it was obvious he was struggling to stretch across the vehicle in a valiant attempt to release Justin from his car seat. And Todd could hear Natalie, calmly entreating Mr. Watkins to recover her son in between comforting Justin that everything was going to be fine...she would never let anything happen to him…and she loved him with all her heart.

Todd turned to Mrs. Watkins, his face white with the shock of the nightmare unfolding before him. "That's my niece…and her son…you tell your husband – I'm coming right back." And before Mae Watkins could stop him, Todd was scrambling back up the slope with precipitate speed.

"Evangeline! Call 911; it's Natalie and Justin. It's bad! I've got to get back down there and help Mr. Watkins but I need you to make sure dispatch understands to send the life flight helicopter and that Llanview Hospital has the trauma team ready to go. You got that sweetheart?"

"Yes, yes…Oh my God...be careful Todd!" Evangeline yelled back as she was already dialing her phone. Todd nodded and disappeared down the embankment for the second time.

Damn. His day had started out so good, quiet with no real trouble save for the usual petty crimes and misdemeanors. It certainly wasn't anything his officers weren't perfectly capable of handling and Police Commissioner Lee Ramsey had enjoyed the relative calm of the early Sunday evening to catch up on his reading. Then the calls came in, back to back from the 911 dispatcher. The first was to relay information from the frantic passenger involved in an accident on the old bluffs road which resulted in one of the vehicles careening down the steep canyon and into the Llantano River. The second call had been to identify the potential victims. It was the second call that had raised the hair on the back of Ramsey's neck. Christ, it was all he needed.

When he'd reached the scene, it was as bad as he'd feared. The small sporty SUV had rolled some 50 yards and the cage of the vehicle had partially buckled on its way down before finally coming to a treacherously unsteady rest on its roof in the spring swollen waters. With even the slightest movement, it was apparent there was a very real threat the SUV could be jarred loose from the bank during even the most carefully choreographed rescue operations only to be swept irretrievably downstream by the raging current. Old man Watkins, along with Todd Manning, with a Herculean effort, and despite the danger to both of them, had managed to free and remove the little McBain boy safely from his child protection seat.

But Natalie Banks had been trapped by the damage to the frame and body of the car to be left dangling from her shoulder restraint and partially submerged in the river until additional rescue personnel and resources could arrive. She was attempting to hold herself out of the blisteringly icy waters surging through the front of the cab by executing a vice grip on the driver's seat with one hand so that she was curled into a near fetal position, her other hand dangling in an unnatural position and rendered effectively useless by an obvious injury to her wrist. And she was covered in blood. Ramsey was disturbed by how calm and in control she had been; issuing orders to Todd Manning and arguing with him as he stood at the concave front passenger side door, up to his knees in the freezing river, and cradling her sobbing son safely in his arms.

"Goddamn Natalie, you are not my favorite niece and you can't ask me for any favors or force me to deal with McBain in the face of all this. You need to hang on, do you hear me? Christ, he's likely to kick my ass just for happening on the scene."

"I d-d-don't really give a shhhit what you want Todd," her intense uncontrollable shivering was making it increasingly difficult for Natalie to speak. "You and Vangie n-n-n-need t-t-t-to get Jus to the hospital now and y-y-y-ou need to tell him…"

"That's enough Natalie! If you promise to just shut the hell up for God's sakes, I'll do it. Christ you'd think you'd have enough sense to conserve your energy rather than worry about that miserable has been cop. Sheesh, what is it with you and McBain? And you have to go and drag me in it and you know goddamn good and well I hate that sonofabitch."

Todd had turned and with an unspoken appeal faced Ramsey, his naked anxiety written all over his face. "It's about time. The cavalry is finally here. Good, now maybe you'll realize you don't need me to tell McBain anything…you can do your own goddamn dirty work."

Ramsey recognized Todd was keeping Natalie's fight up in front of an impossible situation. He nodded once with tacit understanding and said quietly, "Take the boy top side. The ambulance is rolling in."

As Todd began to remove Justin from the scene, he started to scream, "Mommy! I want my Mommy! Nooooo!" Both men had to steel themselves, realizing it may be the last time the boy saw his mother alive.

"Get him out of here Todd," Natalie admonished. "It's okay baby, Mom-m-m-mommy loves you. I love you. I love you, m-m-my baby…" Her voice broke as another wave of violent shuddering over took her.

Todd patted his back attempting to reassure the toddler, "I promise Justin, Uncle Todd is going to make sure your Daddy comes to get you just as soon as you see your Uncle Mikey. Your Mommy is going to see you later too. Okay? So here we go." Instinctively, Justin knew his uncle was telling him a series of half baked truths and he began to squirm desperately attempting to get down, crying wildly.

"Go. Now." Ramsey pushed Todd toward the scarred path leading up to the roadbed. Todd tightened his hold on the traumatized child and with one last look back at Natalie, started his final ascent up the slope. On his way out of the ravine, he was passed by the rescue team, including the first of the medical triage personnel, and Todd prayed they weren't too late.

Todd's fears were warranted. Once on the scene, the complications of the logistics clearly hindered their concentrated efforts. It had taken way too long for the recovery crew to free her from the tangled mass of metal, precious time her body temperature was compromised by the frigid waters. Natalie had simply grown weary from being exposed to the unrelenting bitter cold for more than twenty minutes, ceasing at the end from even shivering, merely drifting away from consciousness until she was unresponsive and nearly completely submerged. The sense of urgency among the rescue workers had risen exponentially; Natalie was literally freezing to death before their very eyes. The vehicle rocked precariously on its roof as the team labored with a disciplined frenzy to stabilize what was left of her car before it could even be hooked to a wench and pulled up the bank and away from the roaring river. It was the only way they could reach her without imperiling both her safety and that of the dive team tethered to the trees and clinging to the vehicle as they attempted to free her from the driver's side to no avail.

When they finally hauled the vehicle up on dry land and had extricated Natalie from the twisted mass of metal and broken glass, Ramsey justifiably found himself close to losing it. He'd been on a number of accident scenes in his day, but this...watching Natalie Banks exert an admirably fearless effort to stay conscious and alive; he was visibly affected as were the rest of the personnel at ground zero when the paramedics laid her limp and seemingly bloodless body into the aircraft litter only to hear the nurse of the triage assessment team proclaim, "She's not breathing, and I can't detect a pulse!"

They went to work, cutting her soggy black party dress down the center to quickly attach the electrodes for the EKG and the other transmitters necessary to monitor her vital signs, and within moments of the first readouts, two EMTs began CPR in earnest. Ramsey turned away, unable to bear the sight of Natalie's bluish skin against her delicately sheer and feminine blush pink lace bra. One of her shoes was missing and her normally bright colored tresses were dark and dull with river water and the blood from the nasty gash above her right brow and at her hairline.

"Damnit – I can't tap a vein, they've gone too deep. I'm going to need to make an incision to start the IV." The nurse reached for a cut down kit, carefully undoing the seals and laying out the sterile field next to him on the ground as the EMTs continued concentrating on giving Natalie CPR.

"C'mon, c'mon…hang in there…" the nurse carefully scanned the electronic equipment for some sign Natalie was responding to their interventions. The preliminary results were not what he'd hoped, and he encouraged the rest of the team to keep going. "She's not dead till she's warm and without a pulse boys. Let's get her in the air and see if we can instigate that core temp to spike up."

Quickly Ramsey started up the embankment, his decision made. He could not expect any one of his men to face this; it would have to be him. And if he knew McBain, whether Natalie made it through this or not, the retribution would be meted out to those responsible accordingly.

At the top of the ravine he pulled his cell out of the inside pocket of his black suit coat. He issued the voice activated command, "Llanview Hospital" and continued moving toward the life flight chopper put down at a wider spot in the road, its blades dangerously close to the limestone bluffs. There was no margin for error so getting Natalie out of the canyon was going to be a trick in and of itself and Ramsey wouldn't breathe easy until they were safely in the air. He stopped momentarily when the switchboard at the hospital answered his call and requested how he could be assisted.

"Yeah, this is Commissioner Ramsey. I need you to patch me in to Dr. Michael McBain immediately." As he was placed on hold he continued toward the life flight pilot. "Fire it up," he ordered. "They've got her." At the pilot's thumbs up acknowledgment, Ramsey advanced towards his own cruiser, barking his final instructions to the officers holding the line. No one was moving onto the accident scene, not even Buchanan family members. It was too risky, and Ramsey would not tolerate his investigation potentially being compromised, not until he had a good feel for what he suspected had ultimately gone down on the winding narrow road. Ramsey was certain he was dealing with an incident, and he didn't really give a rat's smelly ass that the Buchanans were stuck behind the police barricade and unable to dominate any facet of what was happening. As far as he was concerned, the controlled chaos of the victim recovery and the parallel track of evidence collection were the overriding priorities, not their need to always throw their weight around.

He quickly shifted his attention when Michael McBain came on the line. "It's Ramsey. Natalie is on her way in. Where is he?"

Michael was clearly shaken, "If John's not with her, then he's at the house on River Court. No one's seen him at the Angel's square hotel in a couple of days…"

"Call him," Ramsey directed. "I'm heading over there now and I'll bring him in. He should hear the news from you and we need to keep him fully contained until we get him to the hospital. How's the boy?"

"The preliminary examination found no obvious signs of physical trauma. It's a miracle, but it seems Justin may just come through this whole ordeal relatively unscathed."

Ramsey was surprised at how relieved that piece of news made him feel. The McBain pup was a cutie despite his chancy paternity. Besides, regardless of how he personally felt about the boy's father, no man should ever have to live through the loss of his child in tandem with the loss of the mother.

"Well, that's something at least that I can give to your brother…the rest, it's not good Doc."

"I'm aware," Michael said quietly. "Just get them both here and STAT."

He ended the call and slid into the front seat of the cruiser. Within minutes, Ramsey had cleared the intersection of Llantano Bluffs Road and Llanview highway; his lights strobing and siren blaring so that the vehicles in front of him could not miss his aggressively swift progress and were pulling onto the shoulder expeditiously, leaving Ramsey a clear passageway toward the Wentworth Heights exit. Once he'd gunned it from the off ramp onto the arterial street, Ramsey caught sight of the life flight chopper at the top of his windshield beating a path toward the Llanview skyline. Good, they must have decided it was appropriate to transport. With any luck the team would have her heart beating by the time Ramsey got McBain delivered to the hospital. He slowed his vehicle as he reached the top of cul de sac, tapping the brakes gently until he was nearly in position. Deliberately, Ramsey reached in and unsnapped the strap on his shoulder holster, pulling his 9 mm free with his right hand while he stomped the brakes and cut the wheel hard with his left. He executed the 180 degree turn with little effort, and as the cruiser skidded to a halt facing the reverse direction on the connector street, Ramsey flipped the safety on his gun, and transferred it to his left hand. Carefully he steadied the firearm and waited for McBain to reach the vehicle.

Within seconds, the passenger door was wrenched open and John catapulted himself into the seat. The cruiser surged into motion and Ramsey calmly prompted, "Put your seat belt on McBain."

John ignored him and reached for the cruiser's radio at which point Ramsey felt it would be remiss of him not to inform McBain of the rules of the road before he had to shoot him. "Touch it and I'll blow your fucking fingers off. You are not Llanview PD and you are unquestionably not entitled to any special treatment. I'm bringing you in as a courtesy to the good citizens of Llanview and to ensure none of them are caught in the cross hairs of your stupidity were I to leave you to your own devices in getting to the hospital. Now, if you want an update on the condition of your loved ones, I will endeavor to provide it. But, you need to ask McBain."

"Kiss my ass Ramsey." John reached down and as he slipped his boots on, pulled the little snub nosed .38 he carried in his ankle holster. He leveled it at Ramsey as he pulled the safety belt across his torso and buckled himself in.

"Nice McBain. You know your mama was a bit inattentive in her lessons on manners. Either that or it's more likely you were too thick to learn much." Ramsey took his eyes off the road just to ascertain his own weapon remained trained on McBain. Excellent; they had reached a reasonable impasse and Ramsey was confident he could distract him for the few remaining miles to the hospital. He wasn't about to tell McBain everything about the accident. The key here was selectivity with the most salient information coming solely from Natalie's doctors. "Lucky for you, I am not a man without compassion. That boy of yours seems to have weathered the crash in one piece, which is nothing short of a wonder. He was transported to Llanview hospital over 30 minutes ago in the company of the Mannings and Mrs. Davidson. Natalie on the other hand, is in a bit rougher shape. The car went off the road and into the river gorge McBain, and I'm afraid your little redhead suffered the worst of it. She was airlifted out of the canyon just a bit ago. But I have every confidence in the triage team who were deployed to the scene. They seemed to have everything under control when I left to retrieve you."

Ramsey eased the car off the freeway and into the downtown Llanview traffic. Both he and McBain could see the hospital up ahead.

"What the fuck does that mean? I was a cop long enough to know when it's most expedient to say nothing; the procedure in any dire situation is to throw out bull shit terms like 'confidence' and 'under control.' Give me what I want Ramsey, or I might just put a bullet in you simply for the satisfaction of relieving some of my anger and frustration. How the hell did this happen?"

Ramsey shot him a look, and he had no doubt McBain was perfectly capable of making good on his threats. "I've got nothing more than what I've already stated; other than your brother and the trauma team were at the ready and in constant contact with the team in the field. There were two witnesses on the scene, when I arrived - Mr. and Mrs. Watkins but frankly McBain; there hasn't been time to take statements. My immediate concern was getting Natalie out of the canyon, the accident site secured for the boys at forensics, and you to the ER without further incident." Ramsey pulled into the drive leading to the back ambulance bays.

John jumped out of the police cruiser before it had come to a complete stop and was at a flat out run when he entered the ER through the automatic doors. Instantly, he heard the plaintive cries of his son – but was briefly paralyzed with indecision. Where did he go first? To Natalie…or to Justin?

Evangeline spotted him as he took the stairs two at a time up to the loading dock. Instinctively she clutched Todd's arm, her heart breaking just a little at the look of frenetic purpose on his face. It was true; John had come back to Llanview for Natalie. She stood with Todd's help and they both intercepted him as he blew into the staging area adjacent to the nurses station.

"John, thank God you're here."

"Evangeline! Where's Natalie, Justin? Jesus, Todd - what the hell happened?"

Todd took his wife's hand in his. There was no easy way to say this, and he was not about to leave her to do the heavy lifting in her delicate condition. "Justin is fine, McBain and there's no reason why you can't see him as soon as possible. He's in with the pediatrician right now and Vickie. They're prepping him for a CT scan, but we were assured it's just a precaution. You might want to hold off going in to see Justin until you talk to Michael. It's Natalie. I swear we tried to get her out of that car McBain; but we couldn't. Just the disturbance of pulling Justin free caused the SUV to shift and drop further into the river. Jesus John, she was in that water for a really long time..." Todd's voice trailed off.

With Todd's unspoken inference sharply telegraphed, John absorbed what Todd was telling him. "Natalie!" He bolted for the trauma room doors opposite the small waiting area. Todd stepped in front and restrained him.

"Not so fast McBain. I've got orders; you're not to go in there, not without your brother. You'll just get in the way, and you have to trust they are doing everything they can for her right now. Shit, the last thing she snarled at me before I brought Justin to the ER were explicit instructions and that she was going to hold me personally responsible to make sure you didn't lose it...and to tell you that your first priority has to be Justin. She's expecting you to be sure 'her' son is all right. Christ, I don't know what she sees in you but Natalie loves you and has faith you're not going to do anything asinine."

"Fuck you Todd - you can't tell me if it was Evangeline in there you wouldn't do what you needed to do to see for yourself she was all right." He was relentless and running on stress hormone overload and he nearly knocked Todd off his feet in his attempt to reach the doors...oh God...Natalie...

"Easy, easy John." Michael quickly stepped in to give Todd some back up. The escalating commotion from the waiting area had filtered in to the working trauma team and Michael was oddly comforted John was behaving true to his usual angry and controlling style.

"Michael! I want to see her - _**now**_."

His brother reached out and placed his hands on John's shoulders giving him a straighforward unwavering view of his disquiet. What John saw gave him pause. "You can't Johnny. Not just yet. We've instituted the standard treatment protocol for severely acute hypothermia and it entails a series of warm water lavages until the body cavity reaches a stable core temp. It's not something you should witness. John...Natalie's heart is beating; weak, erratic, but beating John. It's more than I could say even ten minutes ago. She's still with us Bro and for now you need to hang on to that. So I'll have nurse Emerson take you to Justin. You can accompany him to the CT scan. In fact I think it would be best and we may not have to sedate the little guy if you're with him to help keep his anxiety level manageable. That's preferable, considering how over taxed his nervous system is and how unpredictably the bodies of small children can react to serious meds. So you need to pull it together John, and let us do our jobs with Natalie and guide you through the rest of this. And as soon as I possibly can, I'll bring you in to see her."

John nodded and swallowed hard. Natalie...oh God...she was alive. And as much as he hated to admit it, when she woke up if Natalie thought for a moment he had splintered his focus from Justin she'd kick his ass six ways to Sunday. "Where is he?"

"Across the hall from Natalie."

John followed the nurse with his usual impatient determination.

The instant the boy caught sight of his father his eyes rounded. "Daddy!" It was a mournful keening cry and Justin stood in the crib his arms outstretched.

With a single long stride, John was lifting his son, clutching him to his chest as he trembled with raw pain. John's own eyes filled with tears as he crooned softly, "I've got you J-man. Daddy's always got you. And I promise everything is going to be all right."

To be continued...


End file.
